"And then I woke up, and it was mid-January..."

What's up?

So I've been neglectful lately, I know. It's just that I have a ridiculously busy life, yet feel like I don't have one at all. I literally don't talk to my kids for 3 days a week, when I have to go in to the office for work, and spend my days at home in recovery...drowning out any pushes to make decisions, plans or otherwise taxing use of my brain. So usually, we do nothing. Which also sucks.

I mean, I still want to do things. I just don't always want to be the one who has to think about what it is we are going to do.

Conversation between me and Andy in the garage this weekend:

Me: "Stop being depressed and Debbie-Downer that you're 34 and retired. Most people would KILL to be 34 and retired and not have to worry about money. If you don't want to do laundry every day and feel like a useless pile of flesh, then get yourself on a schedule and see where you have free time and go take a scuba-diving class or become a competitive cup-stacker."

Andy: (Actually me paraphrasing, with a bit of over-exaggeration for effect)
"Well, I feel all depressed because blah, blah blah...and you never want to do anything when you're home except be lazy. I'm like, bored and everything..."

Me: "Are you on fucking crack? Do you know how to use a computer? Clearly, ahem...you do, so use it for something useful, like looking up "things to do in SF" or movie times or something, and fucking plan something. I seriously don't know when I became your mother. And BTW...this is why I never want to have sex. I have to decide everything. Maybe if you took the initiative and grabbed me and slammed me up against a wall, I would feel like doing you, because you though of it on your own, and not with the direction of a self-help book."

Andy: "Well, I never know how much money we have, so I can't plan something without you knowing it. Blah, blah, excuse, excuse..."

Me, thinking to myself: "This is why I lay around and watch my DVR all weekend. It's effortless and not like talking to a wall. Why was it I got married again?"

I don't have the time and energy right now to really focus on my marriage.

It sounds horrible. But I don't. Now that I am the one who has to make the dough, and deal with a ridiculous commute, my bandwidth is severely stretched. So for the next year, I have to focus on my job. If he can't wait a year, than too bad. And the sad thing is...our marriage could be the exact same way a year from now. We are used to "freeze-drying" our relationship and putting it on hold, mostly for needs of the army.

I find it sadly interesting that while I can completely ignore my relationship, everyone I know is in the midst of some major life-change. Meanwhile, we sit around and watch more tv than anyone else I know. I dread weekends when we have something planned, but then when it comes, it's like I don't want to go back home because i've woken up for a little bit.

This would concern some people, but not me. I am actually more concerned about the state of my hair and the bad choice of dying it brown, and how I am going to fix this mess???

Why? Because right now is just one of those cycles of life when things change and life blows by you. It's very similar to when my boys were both toddlers and everything changed constantly and rapidly. It's simply too hard to try to keep up with the changes, and easier to just hold on and adjust when things settle. I am really emotionally spent after two years of chaos. I have no more expectations of my relationship. It simply will be what it will be. Andy has enough to deal with, trying to find himself again in the midst of deep depression and now, no career.

It's prime, early mid-life crisis territory, and it's his shit that he needs to focus on, and in the meantime, I am working like a mad-woman.

As for my diet...I did well until yesterday when I went to my "Nephew by BFF"'s birthday and inhaled 6 pieces of pizza like no tomorrow. But I can't digest real food, so I ended up getting sick last night, again making me wish I could just barf after every meal, but knowing that even as a bulimic, I am a failure.

But I'm down 15 lbs, which is past my goal of 10 for the month, and I still have almost two weeks. So, on to the next month of Nutrasystem. I know what sucks now, so I should have better eating, albeit repetitive meals.

A Beginner's Guide to Coping with Relationship Issues

In every marriage, you come to points that just suck.

Either you have kids and then have no time for each other, you are buried in work, or something else comes along and makes you take stock in what has happened to your relationship.

And then you reevaluate.

Let's face it...whether its 4 years together or 20, you've both changed pretty dramatically. And sometimes, it's just not a good fit anymore.

When I dealt with my husbands "fuck up", which could really be any mistake, I tried endlessly to find books or websites to help me out and tell me what to do. I mean, either you know immediately that you are going to get out of the relationship, or you don't know. And if you don't know, then therapy is the only way to really have a shot at working it out, because you need a guide through this treacherous point in your life. One wrong move, and the relationship is over, similar to taking a wrong step on Mount Everest. And what does Mount Everest have?

A sherpa. You need a relationship sherpa.

A friend who has gone through a similar situation is great in a crisis. They can tell you the good, the bad and the Ugly. Things you need to be aware of.

But a therapist can help you identify and communicate with your partner. They can give you the tools to remain strong and supported, and how to make things better.

At some point in your journey, you'll know what you want to do. Stay or go. Or your partner will make up their mind for you. Either way, you'll come out of it ready to deal with life the way it has become. And you'll feel stronger in the end.

Holiday Glee is over...now it's time to pay the price for Gluttonism

I know it's been awhile since I last blogged. The month of December brought big changes and a lot of work, since we moved my dad out here from PA to live with us permanently.

It was an arduous drive for him, as he was pulling a trailer behind his minivan with THE WRONG TIRES on it. Golf cart tires, to be exact, not meant to carry a tanning booth and Honda Goldwing. So he blew 4 tires in 5 days. Pretty awful, and a non-calculated expense.

Not what you want the month you have to pay for Christmas presents.

Then came the Dryer, which almost caught on fire while Andy was doing laundry.
Sayonara, $400.

The kids made out like bandits, actually getting everything on their Christmas lists to the point where they were stumped at what to use the $400 in gift cards they accumulated. I should've made them donate them to charity. I mean, seriously, if you can't think of anything you don't have, then I guess you have too much.

I think my goal for them this summer, is to volunteer somewhere. They are far too entitled. Some may argue that we overcompensated the fact that Andy was gone so much as they were growing up, but even that being said, my kids are well-rounded and thriving. But they need to see what life is like when you're not blessed with the luxuries they have.

I remember growing up, not with perfect parents, but parents I knew loved me and that I could count on to take me to Girl Scouts, club events, and build stage sets for the musicals I was in. They over-extended themselves in order to take us on pretty lavish vacations, a thing I didn't realize the cost of until I became independent, financially. We weren't rich. Solid middle-class, back then, but still dependent on each paycheck to keep up with what we wanted and what my parents wanted.

What a shock it was, being 19 with a baby, and newly married on a Private First Class's income, since I was at home with our son. Daycare would've greatly outweighed what I would've made as a retail clerk or restaurant server, my only jobs as a teenager. I will never forget looking at Andy's first W-2 statement the first time I filed our taxes. $14k in 1998.

I don't know how we got through those years, or the ones after. The pay increases were small, and insignificant until I started working full time. But with all the moves, and travel that I deemed necessary to visit my family, we still struggled, always living paycheck to paycheck. Even now we are in that situation, until I can get some time at this job under my belt and save.

My big splurge on myself? Nutrasystem.

I tried it about 7 years ago and was disgusted by the food, so I didn't stick with it. I decided to give it another go, since I have now gained enough weight that I was considering Gastric Bypass.

I've never been this fat, and barely any of my clothes fit. I can't and won't justify buying more, when I need to just buckle-down and lose the weight, so that I can fit in to my vast closet, already ranging in sizes from 12-20.

So I started a week ago tommorrow, and I am pleased to say that I am already down 5 lbs! I know that much of it is water weight lost, but it's 5 lbs, nonetheless.

The food is actually decent, and the hardest part is adjusting to the portion size while my stomach shrinks down. Usually a two week process. I've been counteracting by cutting out all drinks other than coffee with fat free half and half, and lots and lots of water.

I also had some Phentermine left over from a diet before, which is an appetite suppresant to get me over the hump, and have added Alli to maximize my weight loss.

I've done Alli before, and while it says keep your meals under 15 grams of fat, it's really more like 10-12 to stay in the "not shit yourself" safety zone. Thankfully, most meals on Nutrasystem are in this fat gram zone or below. If you eat what you are supposed to, Alli works like a charm. If you cheat, you will fart out what looks like oil.

And it smells awful.

They recommend one after each meal, up to three per day. But if three is still giving you issues after the two week adjustment time, cut it back to two a day and you should be fine.

I am lazy. I am too fat, and too busy to exercise right now, so the low caloric intake and Alli are going to have to work for me. When I hit a plateau, I think I will order the diabetic or vegetarian versions of Nutrasystem to give myself a kick.

But so far, it's working, and as long as I lose over 10 lbs per month, I will stick with it. My goal is to lose 100 lbs by September. But I take it 10 lbs at a time for short term goals.

I keep telling myself that I will succeed. And by jove, I think I will.

Goodbye, cruel world...maybe?

Well...here it is.

The eve of possible destruction. A day many people have feared and wondered about for a decade.

I realized I am on a potential front-row seat to watch the impending doom, seeing as how I am within death zones for not one, but TWO supervolcanoes. Yellowstone and Long Valley, which is like two hours from me. Yikes. I didn't know THAT when I signed the lease!

I also live in a moderate flood zone, and in amidst multiple active fault lines.

If it's gonna happen, I'm probably screwed. And then my last thought would be irritation that I spend money prepping instead of going to Vegas.

Based on my day, it would be par for the course.

I'm fine meeting my maker. I've done more good than bad in my life.

But I don't think the end will come tonight, rather than a date to signify when the end began.

Every civilization has fallen. And I am a believer that history repeats itself.

Climate change is going to change the shape of our country in the next 50 years. There is already wars that seem unending, droughts, famine, illness.

I am sure there will be people on the planet who believe their world did end tonight. People who lose a loved one in a random act of violence or accident. People in the area of a natural catastrophe.

I've witnessed things happening that I have said never would. Things I would've staked my life on.

Things are not good in this world. Otherwise strong marriages being slowly shredded apart. Loved ones being abused by spouses. Everyone struggling with some kind of issue.

As Motown would ask..."What's goin' on?"

Why are people so sick?

I was feeling pretty good yesterday.

I was thinking about where I am in my life now, when a year ago, I couldn't get out of bed. It's pretty unbelievable what you can recover from, when a life-changing "bomb" is dropped in your lap out of nowhere that changes everything from the way you think, to the path your life takes afterwards.

For as long as I can remember, I felt unfulfilled. I didn't have a chance to focus on my own goals, since so many things came first. Kids, husband, and of course the army. I have held on to so much resentment...at my husband for always not being there, even though it was his job, at the military for its lack of support for soldiers and their families, and at myself, for largely letting life pass me by in order to wait for "something", not knowing what it was. But I thought that life should be better than it was. That there was more, and I was missing it.

When something shakes the core of your marriage, it shakes the core of who you are. It makes you question everything that came before. It makes you question your sanity. And then you have to decide what to do next. Do you leave, do you stay? Can you afford to make that choice based solely on what you want, or are there barriers, like children and how it affects them, money...can you do it on your own. Then you question moral or religious issues, and finally, test the strength of the vows you spoke. What is the value of a promise?

I've always thought I was a strong person. And then something tore me in to pieces. I was held hostage by emotions that I couldn't reconcile mentally and fear. Lots of fear. I never understood how people could just be so depressed that they literally can't move. Can't make a choice. Can't deal with their reality. But when that happens, you are frozen in grief and confusion. And now, I barely remember that year.

And then, one day...I got up. And I decided I was going to make choices and take back the control I wasn't ready to reassume.

I accomplished many goals this year. I did them. I got us to where we are now. And yesterday, it meant so much self-pride.

Then something in the world happens, and you realize how your daily thoughts and worries mean NOTHING. How your struggles and despair in life MEAN NOTHING. Because it's always insignificant when compared to someone else's life.

There is little worse that I can think of, than losing a child.

I know I joke about my kids, and tell stories of frustration and irritation at them...

But it's very tongue-in-cheek.

If one of them was hurt or died, I think I would die inside. I would sink in to myself and let go.

No matter how mad I've ever been, I've never felt the urge to hurt my children. I really don't even much believe in spanking, mostly because it's often done in anger, and that should never be the case. I spanked if it was a matter of their safety, to enforce that it was dangerous. If I get really angry, I lock myself away, so that I can deal with it when I am level-headed again.

I don't understand why people kill children. No rational person can, because it's unthinkable to a rational person. But these "terrorists" are not rational. They are mentally ill. They aren't wired right. You can't justify it, nor can you explain it.

I feel that way when there is any devastation in the world. And I look around at what I have, and wonder how God will judge me when its my time to go. Did I squander precious time, feeling sorry for myself, when I have never had to go to bed hungry? Never had to truly worry about being homeless?

It seems like the more I get, the more it becomes apparent to me that I have to share it. I think about the wealthy people who control our country, and wonder how they can go buy a car that costs $200k, when people can't eat, can't feed their children, live in shelters, can't find a job?

They say money changes people. Why doesn't it change them for the better? To use that power to help someone else?

I feel ill. I hear about school shootings, public shootings, mass murders, genocide. I hear about a government that opens fire on their own civilians waiting in a breadline. I hear about people using children as soldiers. It makes me sick.

Not everyone should be allowed to have a gun. The 2nd Amendment was created in case we had to protect ourselves from an oppressive government. But if that happened, we wouldn't win. Not in a age of nuclear weaponry, drones and other resources they have. And hiding under the veil of that stupid law, covers everyone who has murdered someone. "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." What an idiotic statement. Anti-gun legislation is not about taking away your rights (to kill), but protecting others who have lost their right to live.

Most people say they have them for protection, but if attacked, wouldn't have time to use a gun to protect themselves.

Canadians can have guns for hunting. And their annual murder rate is about 60 people, compared to our 10,000.

How do you reconcile that?

My heart goes out to those parents and children today in the CT shooting. I bet they don't have very supportive thoughts on our lax gun policies right now. And if it were your child, I bet you wouldn't either.

Washington needs to jump off the Fiscal Cliff

I am so sick of hearing about the Fiscal Cliff talks.

We all know about it, and what's at stake.

Blah, blah, blah.

My favorite is how the politicians keep saying how they are prepared to stay up until Christmas Eve. Do they want a cookie for their jobs??? I don't know about y'all, but I have work deadlines all the time that need to be met. I wonder if they forget this is a job they were hired for?

I like listening to NPR, but it gets repetitive in a slow news week.

I am done with all my Christmas shopping. I knock it out online and that way the kids can't peek in any shopping bags they might find. Last year, I told them they had X amount of money each, and they waited until after Christmas to go shopping, so that they had collected their loot from other family members and could buy what they wanted. It saved me twice as much as what I paid this year, but I wanted to hold on a little longer to their youth by buying them gifts and seeing their surprise. It's the last remnant of holiday spirit I get anymore.

Things are so expensive when they reach a certain age. It was much easier when they were still playing with toys. But now, the "toys" cost high dollar prices, since it's mostly electronic. This year, I tried to buy stuff that makes them get outside.

I went to my work Christmas party over the weekend. I really didn't want to, mostly because it was in SF and we had to get a hotel room, because I refuse to drive in to the city, so we take the subway. It was fun, though it left me pretty much exhausted the rest of the weekend. The downside of working so far from my house (about 80 miles), which, an hour and a half is not bad, but with traffic, if I don't get up at 4:30am to leave at 5am, then it takes me up to 3 hours to get there. So on the days I work at home, I get extra sleep, but it throws my whole sleep schedule off. Trying to go to bed at 7pm isn't easy, since I am a night person.

But, when I get to the office, I am there alone for an hour, so it gives me time to get things done.

Other than that, things have been pretty uneventful. Andy had to refile his VA compensation claim, because after 6 months, they still haven't reopened it. And his unemployment ends this month, so it looks like we won't be seeing any money from them for up to another year. The only benefits is a huge lump sum backpay, but we are going to need it to buy our house that we are leasing. In six months, it's already gone up $20k on Zillow, because they are building a lot of new homes in my town.

I guess that's a good thing. I just don't want to pay half a million dollars for my house.

Misery loves children

I had the perfect excuse to not attend my company Christmas party this year. It's not that I hate parties. It's that I would rather not get bedazzled, wear painful heels and tights and stay at home to watch tv.

It's my Saturday, after all.

My dad gets in to town this weekend. He's moving in with us to help out since I am dealing with the commute from hell. So I figured, not having childcare would be an excellent excuse.

However, the company is including free childcare for the duration of the event in an adjacent hotel. Which probably means a hotel room full of miserable little kids, wanting their mom or dad...and to go to bed, since the party is 7-midnight.

All in all, an event my kids would loathe, since they're too old for a babysitter, but too young to stay alone overnight. Most likely, it would consist of hate texts from my kids buzzing my phone every ten minutes, making threats like, "I am going to just walk out the door if you don't come get me NOW!!!"

My boss tried to get me on board by saying his kids aren't too far off in age, but I explained that my kids only agree to pretend to be good kids when they're bribed, and even that can be unreliable, especially at night.

(I don't pretend that my children are truly as good as the image they portray in public. And when they are, it can definitely be traced to some sort of incentive plan.)

Finally, I gave up and booked the $200 hotel room since its in the city.

A friend of mine is considering starting her family this year, but finds myself and her sister detractors from having children. I have mixed feelings on the subject myself, but I've made my bed and now have to lie in it. I feel like there is about 5 years when kids are enjoyable. Once they're old enough to get themselves a bowl of cereal and quietly watch tv on weekends, until they are bubbling voids of evil teenage hormones.

They're really only nice about 15% of the time after that, and mostly when they have an ulterior motive.

But the question of whether or not to have them comes down to the question of whether or not you want to be alone when you get old. My husband will surely die before me, so I would like to have visitors in the nursing home.

I don't think that having kids is bad. It's just another relationship to maintain, while the other person hates you for about 4-6 years until they grow. If you can deal with that, go forth and procreate!