No, I didn't die. I went to Canada instead.

So I've been a bad girl.

It's been about a month since I blogged last, mostly because I've been insanely busy at work, ninja-fighting allergies, sickness and general lethargy, and then I had to go to Canada for a week for work.

My boss gets Australia...co-worker gets Uruguay...Keri gets Canada.

And not even somewhere unfamiliar...I got Toronto, which I've already been to a million times. It was f-ing cold. And now, I am sick again.

It's also been a month in which everyone I know seems to be going through a crappy patch, and it stresses me out. When I get stressed, I lose my sense of humor and tend to space out.

Emotional Turmoil ADD, I like to call it.
I also don't like to be touched when I am super-stressed. It feels like knives and is very unwelcome.

However, I have had good news in my life. I got a nice bonus (or will get), I can successfully fit into SOME of the dresses that I bought for my trip to LA (which is a huge achievement since they were made for 12 year old, androgenous bodies, and I would say "my body is banging". Yes, I have a little extra meat, but I'm looking pretty good. And therefore, feeling good.

It's also a year that I've been in California.

Shocking. It's been the fastest year of my life. But I absolutely love living here. The only thing I would change would be my commute...but maybe I will be able to find a place closer to work at some point, especially after my kids are done from high school.

I am so excited about my trip. I lost it for a few days after returning from Canada and feeling like I was going to die. I also unpacked my suitcase the day I got home, which for me, is a sure sign of illness, as my suitcase usually remains full for at least a month after I return from any trip...items randomly picked out as needed. But I know I am going to have to start packing for LA, NJ and PA-my 3 places, 3 purposes in 1 week extravaganza!!!

LA is just a fun girls trip. I cannot freaken wait, and totally hope I see some celebs. Because things like that matter to me. However, with my luck, I would only see someone like Taylor Swift or Kristen Stewart...two celebs I want to bitch-smack.

NJ is a retreat between chaos to one of my BFF's (who I call Waif) abode...a venture into "Lil Italy", where the hoagies are delish and her cooking is amazing. Visiting Waif is as comforting as going to grandma's, as she is very nuturing and helps me figure out my life's issues. I think of it as "a soft place to fall".
I will probably gain 20 lbs while I am there, which I lost mostly for LA.

Then off to PA I go...on a train, offically using all modes of transportation. To my family. And two pregnant sisters in various stages of pregnancy. My first plan is to get a "sister picture" with me in the middle, because it's probably the only time I will ever be thinner than either one of them, let alone at the same time. It's like stacking the deck. lol.

So, that's my month in review and the fun that lies ahead.

I'm ready to break it down.

-K

Total Transformation of your child is BS

I keep hearing these dumb commercials about ordering "The Total Transformation" for your unruly teen.

I call BULLSHIT.

When I was in 6th grade, and decided I was done doing homework, my parents bought a program with videos called, "Where there's a Will, there's a Way".

The problem was, there was no will. What 6th grader really gives a crap??? So I looked at it, thought, "This is gay" and told my parents good luck, I hope they would learn something.

I have a nagging feeling that were I to present this "Total Transformation" to my children, they would pretty much give me the same reaction. And I would almost be disappointed if they didn't.

Teenagers are a pain in the ass. They are built that way...a steaming ball of hormones and hostility. It's just the way it is. If you have kids and think that you will have any more control over them than your parents had over you, sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it ain't gonna happen.

Maybe it's because I am not far away from my kids in age, and I have fresh memories of being a teenager, because somewhere in my head, I think I still am.

But you put your head down, and you get through it.

Andy and I actually find it very funny when they act like total jerks, especially when they start crying because they are mad we said no. If you're going to cry about it, then you are absolutely not mature enough to do what it is you want. And we told our youngest that next time he throws a two-year old tantrum, we are going to video it and slap it on YouTube, and then tag him on Facebook, so that all of his friends can see what a baby he is.

Alternative parenting 101, Step 1: Peer Embarrassment Works

I don't play games. You do wrong, you do chores. I believe in using their bad behavior to create less housework for myself or Andy. If I have to listen to whining, then at least I will have freshly mopped floors.

It's how the universe rights itself.

The Sweet Life...

I've had a very tiring past few months. I keep wondering when things will slow down.

Have you ever noticed that nothing in life seems to match up perfectly?

You meet someone and like them, but they are in a relationship. Or vice versa.

You have money to travel, but no time.

You get all your work done, and then there is a major crisis that someone else has.

Sometimes, it feels like all work and no play. Or sometimes, you are too tired for play, and just want to lay around on a soft bed and watch mindless tv.


I watched Skyfall last weekend. I am not a huge fan of Daniel Craig playing 007. I prefer Pierce Brosnan. I know that I am in the minority, as Roger Moore and Sean Connery are usually top choices for the role. Don't get me wrong, I love Sean Connery, but I like older Sean Connery. When he was younger, his ears looked really big.


I am planning a trip to LA for a weekend in April. I just want to get away somewhere. And since I am down 25 lbs, and starting to fit back in to my clothes, I found some very hot dresses for the occasion. I asked my cousins to go. I've had it on my bucket list since they were like 10 and I was 20, that when they were old enough to drink, we'd go somewhere fun. I am very close to them. Now they're old enough, and I realized, I am soon going to be 34. I don't want to go out with them when I'm 40 and cougar-ish. Better take advantage of my semi-youth before it floats away like my 20s did.

What do I do?

For the most part, I feel as though I am living life. Because I am not emotionally entangled with my husband. I love him. As a brother.

Ah...that poses a problem when you're married.

See, my heart is coated in more tombs than Napoleon. Sure, I've had my heart broken before. But it was different. This time, it knocked me unconcious for a year. That's a year I can't get and don't want back. I find myself terrified by the thought of ever becoming in love with anyone ever again.

I've lived by myself. Or, rather, by myself with kids. And I was fine. Except the normal desires, but not able to do anything about it, because I was married. SO I coped.

I was happy being alone.

I am not afraid of it.

I am much more terrified of being married. I don't want to share everything. I don't want to give away those inner emotions.

I can be a great BFF. I can make someone laugh. But I can't have sex with my husband.

I could probably have sex with someone that doesn't matter to me. Which, again, poses a problem when you're married.

I want to stay married to my husband for everything except the sex part, and that means I am not open to being in love.

WHat's worse, is I don't want to fix anything. I want to just do my own thing and ignore it.

But its not working.

Because at the end of the day, it's not fair to either one of us. But he refuses to see that. He just wants me. It's the first time in my life I just don't want to be loved by a man. I just want to be friends. Because its far too painful, and I feel like I've given up so much of myself for him, to save him, that there is just no energy or motivation left for us.

I don't really want to talk about it in marital counseling. But I said I would. To a point. The point where I need to stop because I am feeling that lack of control over my emotions.

There is no answering the question I just asked.

There is no "what do I do?"

No one can answer it except for the two of us.

We are "strange allies with warring hearts" as Dave Matthews so poetically wrote in "The Space Between". I just wish I could leave him waiting for me for when I am ready again. But emotional purgatory is worse than hell, yet we've both suffered through it for almost two years.

I guess I will ignore it for another day.

Epic failure...

I suck as a blogger lately.

I know. I own it. I've been too busy. I realized yesterday that I've only blogged like 4 times since New Years.

Sorry.

Its not that I am completely uninspired, rather that I am drained of all energy. Largely, it has gone in to work, due to my commute and scope of responsibility.

Also, I've started writing my book and have been trying this week to set aside time to go back and retell my story. It's very frustrating to write for 5 hours nonstop, and realize it amounted to 10 pages. It's going to be a battle for me to stick with it and commit to completing it. I lack discipline when it comes to writing an entire book. I'm at about 17k words, and by what I've researched, I need around 80k.

Okay, well that puts me at page 55, and where the hell is the other 200 pages going to come from???

This is why I never thought I would write a book. I like immediate gratification, and feel like I have enough in me to fill 8 books, but it's difficult to get it out in an outline, and then try to go back 15 years and fill in the story with greater detail.

But, I think I am on to something, so I need to let that motivation carry me.

I did enjoy watching "Vanderpump Rules" this week. I DVR'd the episodes and watched them, and it's so ridiculous to watch these idiots and over-inflated egos, as they work in a restaurant. You would think they are celebrities! It's like, "uh, you're a waitress, so get over yourself."

Most of my television watching is DVR'd so that I can catch up with things, because by the time I get home from work, I take my sleepy time pills and am out within an hour.

This week I also had an epic fail with the diet. I had three days of eating crap. So that's not exactly good either, and even though as of yesterday, I am back on the NutraSystem, I have yet to weigh myself since my collapse in to carb heaven.

I hate failing. Not that anyone likes it. But I think I expect too much from myself, and then am very hard on myself as a result. No one makes me feel worse about me than me. I've always said I am my own worst enemy.

Some things, I can let go and accept that it is what it is. But many other things, I completely over-analyze.

My mom asked me why I swear so much in my blog. As a person with a better than average vocabulary, I should find more profound words? I don't know. Sometimes there is no other word better than a good fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I could make it sound pretty, but if it requires a fuck, than its not best explained in a delicate manner. Words are words.

I went to a social media conference a week ago. You would not believe how many companies include a Social Media background check on you for jobs! How awful and intrusive. I think that should be illegal. If you are a performer on the job, are a solid employee and professional at work, than why on Earth do they have a right to dig in to your personal life?

I knew when I started blogging that this was a potential pitfall, but I also have come to the point in my life that if they are the type of company that really nitpicks this much, they are probably assholes to work for. I want them to want to hire me based on my career experience and abilities, not if I post a picture of myself at a party, holding up a glass of wine. For God's sake, even if I was hanging off a stripper pole, that has nothing to do with who I am at work! Doesn't mean I am an alcoholic. It means I have a life outside work, and the two don't interconnect. I doubt my clients are going to be googling me to find out who I am. That's what LinkedIn is for.

Violation of identity. It sends out the message, "we don't want you to have a personality, or influence." So if you want to work for that kind of company, it should send a message to you, the candidate, that they really don't give a crap about you.

For a person like me, I like to have a personality. I am in the business of "people". Which means you have a honed ability to intuitively and adaptably conform to situations and people. Or you should, anyway.

You want me, or you don't. At least when people show their weaknesses, you know what you are dealing with and can determine how to attack it. You have no idea about them when you know nothing about their personal life. I think that's a much riskier issue.

Either way, I think it's bullshit. And that's about that.

Random thoughts....

For as many decisions as I make in my life, I really hate it.

At work, I'm the boss, or "hoss" as I was recently called. I had to explain that "hoss" implies that I am a lumberjack-esque woman. Not exactly a smart move from an employee. lol.

And everyone who knows me, knows I run all the decision making at home. I am the brains of the operation and sick of it.

I actually told my husband that I am sick of answering to someone for everything. I've always had to answer to someone else. Never in my life has it just been me, left to my own devices.

Do you know how horrible that is???

I can't run away. I am too old for it to be cute, and adventurous and I have kids. (Thank goodness they are leaving soon.)

And I just got my hair done, and I looked really good last week. So good, a 27 year old hit on me. He looked 23, and made me wish I was still in college.

If I was left out, I think I would pounce.

Today is kind of sucking, because I need coffee, but I must have Ambien-eaten something last night, because I can not stop farting. Seriously. My boss keeps asking why I am hunching over in pain. I looked at him and finally just said, "I can't stop farting. And they're LOUD." It's awful.

He died laughing.

I am going to die farting. Or at least in intense gut pain. But with NutraSystem, you have to eat for like 7 days to build up a decent poop.

And right now, I am filling up with gas and in a small cubicle, surrounded by others whom I do not want to let one rip in front of.

"And then I woke up, and it was mid-January..."

What's up?

So I've been neglectful lately, I know. It's just that I have a ridiculously busy life, yet feel like I don't have one at all. I literally don't talk to my kids for 3 days a week, when I have to go in to the office for work, and spend my days at home in recovery...drowning out any pushes to make decisions, plans or otherwise taxing use of my brain. So usually, we do nothing. Which also sucks.

I mean, I still want to do things. I just don't always want to be the one who has to think about what it is we are going to do.

Conversation between me and Andy in the garage this weekend:

Me: "Stop being depressed and Debbie-Downer that you're 34 and retired. Most people would KILL to be 34 and retired and not have to worry about money. If you don't want to do laundry every day and feel like a useless pile of flesh, then get yourself on a schedule and see where you have free time and go take a scuba-diving class or become a competitive cup-stacker."

Andy: (Actually me paraphrasing, with a bit of over-exaggeration for effect)
"Well, I feel all depressed because blah, blah blah...and you never want to do anything when you're home except be lazy. I'm like, bored and everything..."

Me: "Are you on fucking crack? Do you know how to use a computer? Clearly, ahem...you do, so use it for something useful, like looking up "things to do in SF" or movie times or something, and fucking plan something. I seriously don't know when I became your mother. And BTW...this is why I never want to have sex. I have to decide everything. Maybe if you took the initiative and grabbed me and slammed me up against a wall, I would feel like doing you, because you though of it on your own, and not with the direction of a self-help book."

Andy: "Well, I never know how much money we have, so I can't plan something without you knowing it. Blah, blah, excuse, excuse..."

Me, thinking to myself: "This is why I lay around and watch my DVR all weekend. It's effortless and not like talking to a wall. Why was it I got married again?"

I don't have the time and energy right now to really focus on my marriage.

It sounds horrible. But I don't. Now that I am the one who has to make the dough, and deal with a ridiculous commute, my bandwidth is severely stretched. So for the next year, I have to focus on my job. If he can't wait a year, than too bad. And the sad thing is...our marriage could be the exact same way a year from now. We are used to "freeze-drying" our relationship and putting it on hold, mostly for needs of the army.

I find it sadly interesting that while I can completely ignore my relationship, everyone I know is in the midst of some major life-change. Meanwhile, we sit around and watch more tv than anyone else I know. I dread weekends when we have something planned, but then when it comes, it's like I don't want to go back home because i've woken up for a little bit.

This would concern some people, but not me. I am actually more concerned about the state of my hair and the bad choice of dying it brown, and how I am going to fix this mess???

Why? Because right now is just one of those cycles of life when things change and life blows by you. It's very similar to when my boys were both toddlers and everything changed constantly and rapidly. It's simply too hard to try to keep up with the changes, and easier to just hold on and adjust when things settle. I am really emotionally spent after two years of chaos. I have no more expectations of my relationship. It simply will be what it will be. Andy has enough to deal with, trying to find himself again in the midst of deep depression and now, no career.

It's prime, early mid-life crisis territory, and it's his shit that he needs to focus on, and in the meantime, I am working like a mad-woman.

As for my diet...I did well until yesterday when I went to my "Nephew by BFF"'s birthday and inhaled 6 pieces of pizza like no tomorrow. But I can't digest real food, so I ended up getting sick last night, again making me wish I could just barf after every meal, but knowing that even as a bulimic, I am a failure.

But I'm down 15 lbs, which is past my goal of 10 for the month, and I still have almost two weeks. So, on to the next month of Nutrasystem. I know what sucks now, so I should have better eating, albeit repetitive meals.