Jeez...I leave you guys alone for a few weeks, and you all leave me!

Sorry I haven't been posting, but my life has not been a box of chocolates.

Not that there is too much bad, just BUSY.

All that being said, I heart my job. NetSuite is an amazing company. Everyone is hilarious and we have a great team there. With all that's bad in the country, the San Francisco Bay area is largely flourishing. The housing market is great and there are jobs aplenty. Moving here was one of the best decisions I ever have made, and even though it wasn't easy and took an ounce of luck to come through, I'm living (partly) the dream. Or atleast as close as one can get to it.

But with all good fortune comes a little bit of negative. It's hard to feel good about yourself when people you love are struggling.

Enough about me...there's been a lot to comment on...

Firstly...YAY Obama won!!! Secondly, pot is legal in a state! Finally, someone was smart enough to start taxing the crap out of it so we can get out of this fiscal nightmare. Sadly, my horrid commute kept me from voting, but it was a great political night. I heart election cycles. And superstorms.
(I know, I have problems.)
I had a week of catastrophe on the East Coast to watch, and then election night. It's better than cable. I often wonder, living in Earthquake Hell, if I will get caught at work in a bad earthquake, or how I would get all the way home if a solar flare knocked out power. I would have to walk. A LOOOOOOOONNNNNGGGGG way. Andy asked if I wanted my emergency preparedness backpack in my car, and I said HELL NO. I just threw my UGGS in my trunk and a sling across the front purse. If I have to walk 60 miles, I am just doing it with as little drag as possible.

That being said, we upped our emergency preparedness kit to include a slingshot that shoots metal slugs, and a machete. (Both my ideas). I don't need a gun. I want to maim with a good ole fashioned slingshot. I was actually delighted to find it. Yes, DELIGHTED. Like a kid on Christmas, before the cruel reality about Santa was poured upon my soul.

My bet on 2012 phenomenon is solar flares knocking out the grid as a massive EMP. I was sad that I fell asleep Friday night in the middle of a Doomsday show. Did you know there has been a bunch of random earthquakes lately? I check out the USGS Earthquake Map from time to time. I like to keep an eye on Yellowstone, especially now that I live in the kill radius. It would be just my luck.

Today I was pissed when all NPR had to talk about on my commute, was David Petraeus's affair. And then I looked on Yahoo, and they had his wife's agonizing picture plastered there.

HOW DO YOU THINK SHE'S GONNA LOOK????? Her husband's affair was just announced as top news, and she probably had little to no idea it was going on. LEAVE HER ALONE!!!

Why do men fuck up and then the media want to see how the woman handles it? What are you hoping for? That she'll lose it and beat him down with a baseball bat in front of your camera's? Aside from Betty Broderick, most of us handle indignities that are thrust upon us in private. If I am gonna beat down my husband for being a giant ass, I am gonna do it in private, leaving no visable marks, and then laugh as I retell the fear in his eyes as he was being mauled.

Hmmm...why does it sound like I may have done that before???

Anyhow, I am sick of men being idiots. Just because you have a penis, doesn't give you license to keep acting like a teenager. You can't fuck up everyone's life because you were weak. Women don't have time to be weak, much like they don't have time to be sick or get a decent night's sleep. We grow a pair of balls (suspectedly, the ones our mates are lacking) and do what is expected of us. We let go of the dream of being the supermodel next to the rich guy and expensive car long ago. Probably when we met you...our husbands. So it's time men realize they will never BE the rich guy in the picture. You're stuck with us. And if you don't stop being asses, we will continue to not have sex with you, because who wants to fuck a whiner?

Now, I am an asshole, and there are days I have much compassion for my husbands ailments. Yeah, it sucks your brain is distorted, you have to take a pharmacy's worth of pills, and have hearing aids at 34. I understand depression very well, since I've been depressed for probably half my adult life. But grow the fuck up and pitch in! You have it pretty damn good from where I am standing. It's not the hearing aids keeping me from putting out. It's the fact you constantly look like you've been beat. And thats just sad, not sexy.

Marriage is a form of punishment. I highly do NOT recommend it for anyone that wants to be carefree and happy. Any chance of that goes away the minute you fall in love. And if you're married and not happy, DON'T HAVE KIDS. All they do is trap your ass in. People who don't have kids and hear me say this look at me like there is something wrong with me. And then they have kids and are like, "oh". I was young, and carefree and happy once. And I was thin and sexy. And then it all went to shit when I got married because I had to be the grownup.

However...

Life is what you make it. If your life sucks, maybe try something different. Like caring. Like getting up out of bed and doing something. Like take the spray nozzle in the kitchen sink and drench your wife with it while she does dishes. It's completely unexpected, and will probably make her chase you down laughing, and when she does...that's when you try to get her naked. Be inventive. My life has sucked ass. I have a friend whose husband died, and is she giving up? No. She's living her life to the fullest because she understands that its too short.

Whatever your ailment...don't give up hope. Happiness comes in short dribbles, just long enough to make you realize what you do have. And how miserable you would be without it.

And we now return to our regularly scheduled programming.

So I know I have vanished for a while. My trip to CA was full of hilarious moments....and some uncomfortably emotional ones too. You can't be with two of your best friends since childhood and not lose your shit when your life is in crisis.

I've been trying everything possible to feel more like myself again. I slept all day, which was quite lovely and, in my opinion, far more addictive than any illegal substances would be when you are this worn out. I tried drinking, and gave it a good go, but I have learned I can't trust myself with a bottle of wine, because even if I promise it's only a glass, I finish the bottle every time. Being buzzed isn't the problem....that's the hangover and self-loathing afterwards. I've tried books on therapy and they suck. I've tried therapists, and they suck more because you have to wait weeks for an appointment and then leave feeling judged and disappointed. I'd rather read a good Chelsea Handler book with a nice gin and tonic by my side. That is a true and tested relaxation technique. Also helpful in a state of severe depression, is episodes of The Golden Girls. Watching 4 old bitches call each other sluts and berate each other is insurmountable fun. I even got Andy to watch it, and he snickered the whole time.

We have had ridiculous appointments, due to Andys the past two weeks and I have two more tomorrow. This was not completely what I had in mind when leaving my job to get myself to a more zen place. I was hoping more for a spa-like atmosphere, where I could sip monitor and read a whole book in one sitting. Of course, this fantasy also included my kids back in school and some sleep.

I don't really trust therapists, mostly because I've never met one who hasn't made questionable choices in their personal life. I also am much smarter than most of them, and they don't find it amusing to debate cognitive therapy versus group therapy with me. WebMD is evil to medical professionals and a direct threat because they get pissed they went to school all those years when you really only have to read, possess common sense and give good advice. Personally, I think shrinks would be more highly trusted if they were more honest to their patients. Let's face it...some people should be pushed toward an open window and encouraged to jump because they can't be helped. Sad, but true. Or I would advise consuming large amounts of alcohol to help mask the misery that will never leave them.

And this is why I am not a shrink.

However, I am starting personal therapy tomorrow and I am trying to be open-minded because I like a good surprise and maybe this shrink can pull some real advice or insight to my self-diagnosed state of acute depression and how to make it go the fuck away already, because I want to leave MYSELF after spending all week with me.

Of course, this depression could be otherwise explained by the lack of anything quality to watch on tv. I have 1500 channels and not one damn show that holds my interest for more than ten minutes.

Other fun things when you are depressed and have anxiety is grinding your teeth in your sleep. I wake up with my jaw so sore, you can relate to how a toothless hooker feels after a night of blow-jobs. It sucks. So I can further humiliate myself my wearing "Grind No More, which is a bite plate I get to sleep with every night.

All in all I am taking baby steps toward redemption and I will get there eventually. My lack of employment will give me time to continue writing my book, which will be an entertaining read.