Otis Tit-Sling and other Christmas gift ideas that need rethinking

Last week, my sister mentioned how she really wanted a Pandora bracelet as a gift from her husband for Christmas.

Personally, I can't think of something more horrid.

It kills me when I look on Facebook, and all you see are people who post the most perfect pictures. Joyous family vacations to Disney World, and smiling faces around the Christmas tree in matching sweaters. Their status is always cheery, and they post passive-aggressive put-downs on any of your negative statements, trying to lead you to believe their lives are all roses.

Well, flowers need shit to bloom, so I call bullshit on their perfect lives.

What you don't have pictures of, are the things you REALLY remember, like how the cat chewed through one string of lights on your pre-lit tree, or how you told your husband that if he didn't get in atleast one picture with Mickey Mouse, he wouldn't get oral sex for a year.

These are the moments that need commemorating.

That's why I think Pandora bracelets, as well as any charm bracelets are stupid. Besides the day your kids are born, you get married and there is a graduation, what the hell would be a reason to buy a new charm? They don't sell charms for the real memories...

"This one is for the day we forgot to pick up Taylor from school, and he sat in the rain for 3 hours until we remembered."

"And this one is the time we had to take Gavin to the hospital because he had a rock stuck up his nose and we couldn't get it out."

"Oh!! See this charm that looks like a clump of dogshit? Thats the day after we got the carpets professionally cleaned and then the dog had rampant diarrhea all over the house."

I was also perusing the Victoria's Secret catalog and found that they sell a product called, "The racy, lacy sling."

It's basically a sling that you wear WITH a bra (because they aren't uncomfortable enough on their own, and you need something else digging in to your back fat) and it's supposed to hold your boobs up even higher.

This was obviously designed by a delusional man, who was thinking, "Ya know, if a bra doesn't do it on it's own, maybe we can create something to temporarily rig them up there."

Ladies, if a bra doesn't do it, a sling probably won't help either. Because what IS a bra, but a tit sling?

I am grateful sometimes that VS doesn't sell many of their products in larger sizes, because, to be fair, I forget that I am a "curvier" woman, and I don't really look like a VS model in person, so the lingerie would not look the same on me as it does on Rosie Huntington-Whitely. I have inconvenient bumps, also known as love handles. Men don't always consider this either, when buying lingerie for their wives, which usually results in bouts of tears, self-loathing and an entire pan of brownies to calm them down when what they bought in a size 2 doesn't fit you.

So, if you are going to buy your wife a nice present for the holidays, make sure and ask her several options of what she would like to have, and be sure she includes sizes!