Whore Rules…rule. (Don’t read unless you appreciate low moral value)

Maybe you were a little wild in your youth. Sowed some oats, and all that jazz.

I can come up with a bunch of ways to make it sound pretty, but let’s be honest…maybe you slept with a bunch of people you now wish you hadn’t. Or, maybe you WISH you slept with some people who you forgot to. I think everyone I know has a list of whom they slept with, or has TRIED to make one, but couldn’t remember all the names, OR…is in complete denial about how many people they did sleep with and now believe their own lies.

In either case, one of my best friends and I made a list of “Whore Rules” back when she was a single gal, and I was married with two kids and had to live vicariously through hearing her stories while I remembered the “old days” of my youth. Of course, we did this to justify our bad behavior. The point of the “Rules” was to find ways to eliminate guys from the list due to extenuating circumstances. (So we didn’t have a long list).You probably won’t appreciate this unless you were a little slutty yourself, or you have a non-judgemental sense of humor (which, if you read my blog, you probably do…)

I’ve decided to print some of the “Rules” to share them with the world.

THE RULES:

If the “event” happens on a holiday, it doesn’t count. (And yes, Arbor Day and Flag Day ARE holidays, as are birthdays and 4 day weekends!)

If you have more than one guy with the same first name, it only counts once. IE: Two Steves=One Steve

If you have some same-sex action and you are straight, it doesn’t count because you were “just going through a phase” or “broadening your horizons.”

If the guy has a handicap or impediment, it doesn’t count because it’s community service. Things that fall under “handicap” include lazy eye, halitosis, bad teeth/hair.

For every 3 years that you remain in a stable relationship, you can eliminate one name off the list.

If the event occurred in water, it doesn’t count because you KNOW you didn’t even feel it.

If YOU don’t remember it, it didn’t happen.

If it occurred in the State of West Virginia, Arkansas or Mississippi, it didn’t happen because what you did was probably illegal.

A threesome only counts as one person, because you get points for multi-tasking.

If you were in college at the time, it doesn't count because you were furthering your education.

If you slept with Shaquille O’Neal or other man of great stature who has a “manly bit” as long as your wrist to your elbow…it didn’t count as a number, but you should really consider getting a tattoo that states it. That’s like a damn trophy…you should frame it and put it above the fireplace!

Spa Sundays: My reward for good behavior

If you have a relationship with a man in the military or a single woman AND you have children, you realize that there are many times that you don’t get the weekend off to recoup. I find getting through a deployment like running a marathon (or so I’m told, because let’s be honest…I don’t run.) You just keep going and going, seeing that finish line in the distance, and even though you can’t even feel your rubbery legs, you somehow make it to the end. Then you collapse.

It normally takes me a few months to get in the groove again. Andy is borderline OCD, so he doesn’t believe in sitting still on weekends and relaxing. The first few years we were married, it made me feel incredibly guilty that I was sitting happily on the couch while he went by, lifting my legs out of the way as he vacuumed. But now, I am used to it. I look at Sundays as my “Don’t ask me to do anything” Day. I stay in bed late… sometimes just laying there. Then I might get up and cook some delectable breakfast for my family, but not out of obligation. That is what makes the difference. I only do what I want to do, not what I have to do. Today I did put in a pork roast to slow cook through the day. I will be making an apple cider reduction sauce to top it off with later.

Most of the day, I watch the Food Network or DIY. You can get a lot of good ideas from watching these channels. Or I sit and watch all the shows on my DVR that I taped for me, like Project Runway. I am about 5 episodes behind because Andy will NOT watch this show, although my sons love it. This week, spa Sunday will include me running on the treadmill for 10 minutes. Not because I like exercise, but because I like the thought of having a slender body. But we can’t always win.

I realize I am lucky that I have a husband that cleans. In fact, Andy does ALL the laundry when he is home. My father is NOT a cleaner. It used to make my mom manic because she would have to do all the chores/laundry/cooking/shopping herself. I am too much of a bitch. I wouldn’t have allowed it, because I have a sense of self-worth. I work a full-time job outside of the home, and there is no way I will do it all, wear myself in to the ground, and slowly grow to resent my husband and his Neanderthal laziness. Hell no. Give your husband a choice. He can do the grocery shopping, or he can do the cooking. He can do the laundry or he can clean the bathrooms. Divide things up. What is he going to tell you? No? HAHA. If he does, then see how fast he changes his mind once there is no dinner made for him, or no clean clothes when he goes to work.

I guess my point to this post is that you don’t have to wait for Mother’s Day to have some time to yourself. Obviously if your husband is gone, you are going to have to modify this. When your kids are old enough, you can develop Quiet Afternoon Sundays. The kids have to sit and work on an art project or read a book so that you have time to relax. It’s good that they grow up already having a time set aside to put all the stress out of their minds and just do something enjoyable. Laundry will wait…housecleaning will wait. Good mental health is worth so much more than 3-4 hours of work. You are the rock of your household, and no one is going to give you a break from that. I waited for years, but being the mom/wife is the keystone that holds the family together. So you have to just create what works for your family.