Graduation Day....in more ways than one

Today Andy graduates Recruiting School. Thank fucken heavens.
(Can I breathe now?)

It's been a loooooong 7 weeks of torture, sleepless nights and questioning internal strength.

And that was just what I was going through at home.

So today, he gets to stand through a graduation ceremony, hop in to his truck and drive for the next two days to get home, where he will be greeted with a half destroyed house and about 20 appointments next week to prepare for "the move". He hasn't realized this part yet.

Bravo, my love. You took one for the team and agreed to spend the next 3+ years away from your beloved sniper rifle to go sit in an office so that you could actually spend some time at home with your family before your sons graduate and leave. You even agreed to move to California to a city as our first choice because your wifes best friends live there, rather than put Florida as your first choice like I knew you wanted to. And for all this, I love you.

And I know I have to put out now, which I should be happy about after 7 weeks, but all I wish for is a Pennsylvania Dutch Smorgasboard, some stretchy pants and sleep -in that order.

It's also graduation day for me, as I finally broke the weightloss barrier and moved down in the next ten lbs category. I verified this by weighing myself before and after work the past two days. In the evening, I was like 5 lbs heavier than in the morning, but I had on a sock. I am fine with justifying the weight difference with a sock, so shut up.

I still feel like I deserve a full ten lb weightloss for the past week, but I guess I will take it. And probably go right back up over the borderline tonight, because my mom is coming for the weekend. The nice thing is that we can go eat dinner and then settle in to our comfy clothes for a Criminal Minds marathon tonight. I am really looking forward to that.

I also feel like a good showing of "The Ten Commandments" is in order this weekend, to make me feel a little less heathen.

Because in my mind, I justify that God would be okay with me just watching a Charlton Heston movie rather than go to church.

And no...I don't buy my kids Easter baskets. I will buy them a piece of candy as a treat, but if I buy my sons a basket of candy, it will all be eaten in a day that no one will want to remember. Call it cruel...whatever. Unless you are going to come watch my kids while they're on their sugar high, I don't give two shits if it makes me a mean mom.

And on that note...Have a happy Easter!

I've decided...some more.....

...it's okay to weigh yourself 6 times in a row, to make sure the scale is accurate. Especially when you know in your mind, that it should be less than what it is, for the amount of suffering you've done.

...that yearlong school would be more beneficial to parents AND teachers AND children. Sometimes we all need a break from each other, but maybe not a whole summer!

...the creative genius who came up with the Koehler faucet commercial with the men wearing painted on uniforms and washing them off, should be greatly rewarded! Makes me dance a little when I hear, "Working at the Car Wash."

...sadly, a "Skinny Girl" margarita is not a good diet plan. So, I think I am going back to the old version where I can make it as strong as I want and not be reminded of being skinny OR fat while I drink.

...that it's okay to drop a dish in the sink when you hear, "You've got the right stuff, baby..." blaring from the kids tv and go running in the room like there's a fire because you thought it was NKOTB. And then when your children look at you like you're insane, to pull out an actual picture of yourself at age 10 with the NKOTB after a concert and tell them that Donnie Walhberg would've been their father if you were allowed to make those kinds of choices at that age.

...that right around the time you get to fully know each other as a couple, one of you goes through a change.

...it's okay to lick the spoon, wash it off, redip it and lick it again.

...it's not that your prayers aren't heard. It's just that someone else needed help more. And that should bring you SOME kind of peace inside.

...that sadly I never know what to say to a friend in pain, but I can come up with a witty remark anytime. And I would gladly trade the two.

...it's okay to go wine tasting and drink all the samples. The spitting is "optional".

...it's wrong that society says it's wrong to laugh at someone when they fall. After you make sure they are okay, it's freaken hilarious!

Feed Me, Seymour!

Are you even old enough to get that movie reference??

In any case....

I've been having food issues lately. I didn't "intend" to diet. I am not quite sure how it happened. The best I can think of, is that since I have little to no control over the other things happening in my life right now, I somehow mind-fu@ked myself in to dieting.

It's kind of messed up.

My stomach has been a roiling mess for the past three weeks, as a result...forbidding me to keep anything worthwhile or tasty down. So I've dropped a pretty decent amount of weight, but I am bitchy as hell!

I am HUNGRY!

I had no time this morning before getting to work to stop and grab something, like I had planned. So imagine my surprise and delight when I walked in to the kitchen at work, and saw a giant coffee cake!!!! This bad boy is homemade, and it is 2/3'd crumb topping. It's like the clouds opened and singing came from the heavens!

I took two pieces, and stuck one in my drawer until I could chow down the first piece so no one would see that I had two. lol.

Don't judge me. haha.

Sadly, this is all I will eat today. I can only imagine the calories I am inhaling, but I was so hungry, I really don't care.

We had thunderstorms last night. Probably the first time I have heard thunder up here in NY. I miss the storms we used to get in GA. Andy was talking about them the other night because of how bad they have been down south and out west. I LOVE thunderstorms. One of my 10 most favorite things. In fact...let's bust out my 10 most favorite things for the month of April, in no particular order:

1. THUNDERSTORMS
2. Fondue
3. Taking my kids on trips
4. Not taking my kids, but going on trips
5. Thanksgiving Dinner
6. Christmas Eve
7. Sleeping in
8. Shopping
9. Pork, Sauerkraut and Mashed Potatoes, Mexican Food and Red Robin Banzai Burgers
10. Laying in bed watching Criminal Minds marathons, HGTV, Food Network and Bravo

Yes, you noticed too, that food played a big part of things I love. That's why I am so sad and miserable right now...because I have none of those things. Other than the traveling, I sound very lethargic, huh? lol. What did you expect, me to say I like running or exercise? No way...I HATE running. HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT. I dont mind some forms of exercise, but I need to be properly entertained while I do it.

-Sigh-

So now I am full, and it's raining, and I wish I could nap.
Tell me some of your favorite things!

I wanna go outside and play!!!

Two things happened this weekend...

I got my closets and cabinets all cleaned out, all purged for the moving event!

and

Gavin got grounded three times.

Why three times? Well, that is my fault. I caved and let him go out after not serving his entire punishment for a few reasons.

First, I wanted him to shut up. When he is grounded, he hovers around me and nags constantly. I start to envision one of those shock collars for dogs, but instead of barking, it would zap Gavin for talking.

Secondly, I wanted my house to stay somewhat clean, and the less the children and my father are around, the longer it stays clean...giving me time to clean SOMETHING ELSE.

Anyway, this child managed to get himself grounded three times, and now I have to stick to it because his mouth is really pissing me off. This was the text I got yesterday when I told him he will be grounded all week:

"I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you"

Haha.

The good part about him being grounded is that I can use him for manual labor. My dad is taking the first load of his stuff down to PA this weekend, my mom comes to visit and Andy gets home. Things are going to start to move pretty quickly from here.

The rest of my weekend consisted of trying on all my "skinny" clothes, to further motivate me to diet (starve) for California. I am really hungry. For Peanut Butter Eggs and Thanksgiving Dinner. (and always fondue, but that goes without saying.) I can't get past this certain number. It really is starting to make me mad. I have been hovering on the brink of breaking it for a week. I figure if I can be halfway decent this week and next, then I can have whatever I want next weekend when we go out to SF for the weekend. No children and no diets. Just fun, friends, food and wine. And mojitos. And martinis. And mimosas.

(You get the picture.)

So Check This Out...

The Milbloggies Award recognizes military bloggers for their contribution to blogging, news and information, and to the military over the past year.

So, this is a pretty big dizzle (deal, for those of you not down with the lingo.)

Go on this website MilSpouse Bloggers to nominate me from today until Sunday.

Then the voting will begin, so more on that if I make the cut!!!

This is presented by Military.com, so it's kind of a big deal.

And we all know that I require constant validation for my low self-esteem! (HA)

Real Housewives of the Military???

I made the mistake of watching "The Real Housewives of NY" last night, since Grey's Anatomy was running reruns AGAIN. Why do I pay for cable? Seriously...there is not a damn thing on other than HGTV.

I am so sick of watching reruns. I used to think Real Housewives was appropriately amusing. But they've screwed it up so bad that I am finding myself so bored that I actually go to bed early and just turn it off in the middle of episodes. I did that Sunday night, during RH of Orange County too.

I wonder what Real Housewives would be like if they did a "Military" version? This would be the likely cast of characters:

You could have the straitlaced FRG leader, in all her cookie-baking glory who is always ready to talk about how great her husband "The Capt" is. This woman lives and breathes military and even puts bumper stickers on her car and wears lapel pins to prove it.

You could have the nice girl next door, who has a great sense of humor and you almost think you would be friends, but then her husband won't let her leave the house and their 4 kids. This is the girl who, during a deployment, has to keep the webcam signed online at all times so he can monitor her every move from overseas. (I wish I was kidding that I knew of someone like this.)

You have the cheating wife/cheating husband scenario, where one of them is always accusing the other of cheating on each other. They are getting divorced every other week. Then during deployments, he says he is going to leave her for another woman, so she gets herself pregnant on R&R to suck him back in.

There is the college student wife, who doesn't have kids yet and is SUPER in love with her husband but fiercely determined to not have kids before she gets college done so she can prove her parents wrong when they complained she was never going to get her education if she married a soldier. This poor young thing is still jaded about the military because she only has herself to worry about. Deployment is a different beast when you have kids that you can't get a break from.

There is also the awesome couple, who you and your husband both get along with, and you think, "okay, what's wrong with these people, because they are too good to be true." And then they proposition you because they are swingers, and divulge this information out in the open at get togethers.

And then there is the military wives like me...I work full time, (although you could be a full time mom) I keep a clean house. I love my kids but occasionally make them shovel dog shit. I love my husband, and will occasionally wear some patriotic display of affection because I am proud of his service. I enjoy my time with my friends, and I have goals that I want to accomplish for my life, so that when my husband is gone, I have something to get me out of bed and out of misery. I also like to be in charge, so I would most likely argue with the prissy, FRG leader. Not to be in charge of the FRG, I am just a little bit of a control freak and I know more than they do. haha.

I also think they should do a spin-off series, "The RH of Detroit". Now THAT would be interesting to see.

My advice, stop trying to find women to be on these shows that are vapid and have such social insecurities that they can't even have a group of friends because they are always trying to "one up" each other. Stop choosing them for looks, although, many of them are in their 40s. Why don't you choose some younger women too. How about a few that haven't eaten 4 husbands for dinner already and been pumped full of botox and collagen? Choose women who actually do more than arrange benefit dinners for the sole purpose of showing how charitable they are. And pick people who are not psuedo-celebrity-wannabes. Larsa Pippen? Kyle Richards? Camille Grammer? There is nothing "Real" about them.

Andy Cohen, get these Yentas out and get some real chicks. Let's freshen things up or the series will die a final death.

Your Mama Wears Combat Boots...and your son wears pink toenail polish!

You know...I get it.

I am a liberal girl in a conservative world. But let me be clear in saying I don't consider myself a "Democrat". I am much to complex to be thrown in a box with a bunch of jackasses who think way too much of themselves and get paid for it.

I don't get paid for it.

Around most military bases, people are conservative. I understand how they might believe that saying they are Republican has to do with a strong defense of the country.

But how can so many military wives that clearly have had experience with unplanned/teenage pregnancies be anti-choice when it comes to abortion? Obviously they went with their pro-life stance, since military bases are overrun with unmonitored 3 and 4 year olds. I almost hit one with my car on a daily basis. Not to mention the women in the post office who let their kids run screaming through a busy lunchtime crowd, and then smile and shrug at you, as if to say, "Ha, kids..."

"Uh, no bitch. When my kids were that age, they stood next to me quietly in the store and didn't go shoving in to people carrying 20 packages, because we taught them how to behave in public."

And I love it how when people who know you have kids automatically assume you like kids in general. I am not one of these people. I don't like random children. Sorry. To deal with a snot-infested, slimy child who doesn't shut up...I pretty much have to love them. My kids and my best friends/familys kids. That's it. And I love my friends kids because I am close enough with the parents that if the kids are out of control, I don't feel like I am overstepping my bounds by saying "NO" to them.

Anywho...off topic.

I read this article yesterday on Yahoo Pink Toenail Polish about a J.Crew photoshoot that the editor featured a picture of her painting her sons toenails pink. In this picture, the looks of joy on their faces make you want to smile. There is such clear love between them, and, I say this while having two sons...that kind of moment is priceless because of the level of giggles that you know are passing between them. It's really an adorable picture. And I don't even use the word "adorable".

So all these dumbass Right-Wingers (which I am not saying ALL right-wingers are dumbasses...I am very good friends with some. Just MOST of them.) were having a field day flipping out that this woman was going to cause her son to be a cross-dresser or, (GASP) maybe even push him to be gay.

What sane, logical mind draws the conclusion that the child must be reasoning, "I am really loving this pink nail polish....I think I want to try sex with another man."

How do you draw that conclusion? If it were a little girl playing football with her dad, would it be the same thing?

I get it...you might be afraid of gay people. Mostly because you are soooo concerned they might hit on you. Gay people can smell your tight-ass straightness from a mile away. They no better want to be rejected by someone they show an interest in than straight people do. But in any case, they are here, and they are queer. And you better just get used to the fact that people are born the way they are. No amount of pink toenail polish is going to turn a child gay. We could paint their legs and arms with it and put them in a chiquita banana woman wig, and parade them around with a hip twitch, and IF THEY ARE NOT GAY ALREADY, this would not be any more than some silly photographs.

My son wanted to be a cheerleader for Halloween one year. So, I let him. Bought him a wig and everything. He was thrilled. He also used to have a harem of naked Barbie dolls that he would take in the bath with him when he was 2 and 3. Is it gay, because he had his own Barbie dolls? Or is he training to be a gigalo, since they were all naked and in the tub with him? Who the hell knows?

But I know that I love my son and all the different parts that make him who he is. If he is gay, or he is straight is of no concern to me. I want him to be healthy. I don't care if he marries a man, woman, different race...as long as who he marries loves him and treats him right.




Please help a sister out!!! I was nominated on Babble's Top 50 Mom Blogs List. So can you please take two minutes and click here: http://www.babble.com/babble-50/mommy-bloggers/nominate-a-blogger/index.aspx then scroll down to "Glamorous Life" (on the second page) and click on the "like" button.

Things that are bullshit…

Tweens are bullshit.

They should either be cute babies that can’t talk, or teenagers that just want your car and are never home. Tweens are stuck in the house and can’t leave without you taking them. They also require constant reminding about the need to bathe, and why it’s not a good idea to spray paint their skateboard on my living room carpet. The word “tween” just gives me a migraine.

Constantly emerging technology is bullshit.

Every time I buy a new phone, computer or video game console, it’s outdated nanoseconds later. (Nanoseconds are bullshit too, mostly because I don’t know what they are.) By the time I figure out how to answer my phone, the calls are missed…and screw 3-D technology. Who said I want company? If people are coming out of my tv, they better come with a mop and a broom and get to work.

Diets are bullshit. My dream food pyramid consists of the following:

1. Cream, cheese and butter

2. Bread and potatoes

3. Meat

4. Vegetables dipped in cream, butter and/or salt

And people who have an issue with that are bullshit too, as well as stupid people who say they are just big boned. You are not big-boned. You are fat because you have poor genetics and your parents didn't bother to steer you in the right direction, or because you eat like a pig. Either way, own your dysfunction. I choose to eat bigger helpings than I should, and I know that. But... believe me, if I HAVE to run or fight off a burglar, I have a MUCH better chance than some bone-thin ho. Weight is on my side. Plus, I have boobs.

Upstate NY is bullshit.

Only bad things have happened to me in upstate NY in my life. First I get knocked up at 16 to a dumbass in upstate NY (I begrudgingly take responsibility for this issue because I was smart enough to KNOW I should use birth control. He was just a moron.) Then I move here as an adult, and it’s boring as hell. The idiots who actually like it here should be gathered up and dumped on an island of snow and given shotguns with an unlimited supply of ammo.

Traveling is bullshit.

I don’t mean the actual trip. I mean getting to and from. We were clearly lied to, because StarTrek told me circa 1985, that there would be teleportation by now. Who wants some smelly stranger sitting on your lap when you fly and have to pay $5 for a mini bag of nuts, and who wants to be trapped in a metal box with your kids beating each other in the car for 2,000 hours? Flying cars, Stargates…I don’t give a crap. Stop making cell phones that morph in to hotdog tongs and invent something worthy and helpful.

Cleaning is bullshit.

I don’t have the energy left after fighting with my kids to get up for school, going to work and making dinner to worry about laundry and cleaning too. My philosophy is either move, or throw everything out and buy new stuff. You think I’m kidding? I buy new stuff every 3 years when I move!!! I really do clean, but it’s bullshit because I have to do it. The alternative is an episode of “Hoarders” which is enough to give my clean-freak husband a heart attack. I don’t know what I would do if my husband was a lazy sack of turds like a lot of men I know.

Brooke Burke and Kim Kardashian selling fat people, exercise shoes are bullshit.

Your marketing people SUCK. They were skinny and fit to begin with! If you want to convince me to go buy a pair of $130, orthopedic-looking sneakers because it will tone my butt and thighs, then show me a before and after picture of someone who looks like a real woman (and by real, I mean ANY FREAKEN WOMAN OFF A NORMAL AMERICAN STREET) and how she got skinny wearing your ugly shoes. Because this sister isn’t buying it.

Men who have no ambition and say they are going to be a stay at home parent when the kids are in school all day are bullshit.

Especially after they rack up $60k+ in student loans to get a degree and then do nothing to contribute to paying them off. I have no issues with a stay at home dad, but then you better do what a woman would be doing. If you are my husband, and a stay at home parent, then my house better be clean, dishes and grocery shopping done, and bills paid. The shit better GLISTEN. I better not ever have to schedule a dentist appt or take the dogs to the vet again. Chicks who fall for this kind of loser are bullshit too. Get some self-esteem and kick him to the curb. (Yes, I know someone in this situation.)




Please help a sister out!!! I was nominated on Babble's Top 50 Mom Blogs List. So can you please take two minutes and click here: http://www.babble.com/babble-50/mommy-bloggers/nominate-a-blogger/index.aspx then scroll down to "Glamorous Life" (on the second page) and click on the "like" button.

Where was all that crap hiding???

Sometimes I have my posts planned out, some even written ahead of time. I've been able to swing through this whole blogging thing prepared...

...until now. So who knows what you're going to get?

I know...a discussion about dog poop, because what a better way to start a Monday?

All the snow has now melted and a battle of wills is taking place in my house.

Me VS the children and who is going out there to pick up the carnage?

We both know that I will win, because I hold all the master keys...letting them go outside, letting them play video games...LETTING THEM EAT more than peanut butter everyday...

It's a matter of fortitude and the ability to persevere.

Yesterday, was Day 1 of D.P. Duty. Gavin made it exactly 20 minutes before throwing himself on my floor and crying. It was rather ridiculous. "Child," I said, unsympathetically, "you are going to pick yourself up and just go out there and get it done. I had to do it, and your father's father before you. It's a rite of passage." (okay, so maybe THAT was overdramatizing it a bit too. He gets it from SOMEWHERE.)

It lasted about 90 minutes, and then Gavin fell asleep on the floor. Today it is raining. He will still go out there for 20 minutes when he gets home. Andy and I have no delusions that it's all going to be picked up. But in the next two weeks, they can make a hefty dent in it before Andy gets home. (You really didn't think I was going to do it, did you???) What is your biggest fight with your kids?? I really can't believe I posted about this, but everyone has these arguments with their kids. I don't know about you, but ever since I was a kid and my parents said the reason they had kids was so they didn't ever have to do chores...the thought appealed to me greatly. So I waited and waited until they are finally old enough to do a few chores...AND ITS WONDERFUL...when they do it RIGHT. Which is rarely. Most of the time I have to go back and check 8 times for what they missed while they were half-assing it.

Other than dog feces, I would have to say that I had a great, relaxing weekend. I managed to lose 12 lbs this week. I did not manage to quit smoking, but I am trying to make myself smoke less every day and I switched to shorter cigarettes, which, in my mind HAS to count a little bit.

We also got the house we wanted in Cali!! I was very relieved to hear this news. It makes a big difference when you know you are going to have a house to go to and not spend weeks in a hotel. It also makes it much easier to budget. We want to get there and enjoy our summer, not be so cash-strapped after moving that we have nothing.

Fact One: The Army is giving us approx. $5000 to move & having movers come pack us up and move us.

Fact Two: The cost of driving two vehicles cross country, staying in hotels for two weeks, and eating out will equal that $5000.

So the $2000 security deposit and $3100 first month's rent is coming out of whose pocket you ask? Mine. The army doesn't cover everything, folks.

Little ole, soon to be unemployed me. Thats another fun hit to take when moving....losing my job. Thankfully, I have some interest already which is great considering I won't be available for work until mid to late June.

I have a question for you....what is a great vacuum cleaner for pet hair, and a good steam cleaner for my rugs??? I need to buy new ones....SOON. It's like we breed Llamas in my house, so much damn fur. lol.

Well, my morning started off with "MmmmBop", how bout yours???

With a title like that, I know you are all expecting me to have some snarky remark about Hanson, and waking up to bubblegum, pop music at 6am.

But I LIKE that song. What's not to like about a trio of long, flaxen-haired brothers? It makes you feel good. Actually, it makes me feel like an 17 year old because that's how old I was when it came out. And that's probably the real reason I have a fond attachment to it. Most mornings, I'm not really looking at myself in the mirror when I get ready. I'm mindlessly getting ready and not noticing the deep lines that have started to cut beneath my eyes, and how giant my pores have become. So other days, when I really LOOK, its quite alarming that I've started to show my age.

Don't get me wrong...I know I am "only 31". (I really thought I was 32 already, because I start rounding up halfway through the year.) I don't look 31...I could probably pass for 27 on a good day. Lord help me if I ever lose a bunch of weight, because then my wrinkles will be more pronounced and I will age drastically overnight. My fat is a good camoflage for my skin. There are pros and cons to everything in life.

We are still waiting to hear on whether we got this house in CA. I am too tired to be that stressed about it this week. I don't remember what I was watching or reading, but it said that half the stuff we stress about doesn't even happen and the other half works out....or something like that. That's a really good point. I could sit and stress about whether we will not get paid for the next month, but will we even HAVE a government shutdown?? Will it last longer than a few days? At this point, it seems illogical to get more than irritated at the politics of it. I don't imagine photos of long lines of military families at soup kitchens is what politicians really want floating around during a campaigning year, so if it does happen, I don't see it lasting long.

I do get rather perturbed at people who think government employees make all kind of money...Uh, I don't. I make half as much as I would in the private sector in CA, but more than I would in upstate NY. Its all relative for most government workers that are entry/midlevel. It's good benefits...and *usually* job stability. But both of my familys incomes are government, so my husband's pay will stop too. Sometimes we have money in savings, and sometimes we don't. Right now, we do because we are about to move. But it's not always the case. Many young military families are living on under $20k a year. Sure, you can make the argument that it's your own fault if you choose to have kids and still live paycheck to paycheck, but I don't think you realize that if you think this way, you are unrealistic and an ASSHOLE. Most people live paycheck to paycheck in this country.

Sometimes I want to slap people. (Okay, LOTS of times, I want to slap people. But rarely do I. {cough})

I've gotten rather long-winded this week. And you are all holding back your comments. It makes me sad.

Guess what? You people have been reading my crap for 100 posts!

Yep...sad, but true.

You just keep coming back for more ridiculousness. And just think...this has been one of the most boring years of my life! Imagine what you have to look forward to when I actually change my sweatpants and leave the house.

On a day like today, my many irrational thoughts are scattered. It could definitely be that I've been hitting the bottle again lately. Yes, I fell off the "no anxiety medication" wagon this week. (And you thought I was drinking!...okay, I do that too, but "SOCIALLY", because that is the ACCEPTABLE term. HAHA.)

One thing I would like to address is the fact my mom warned me last night that my blog could be a hindrance to my job search, since obviously everyone in the SF Bay Area is akin to Google searching people before they hire them.

Gee, I never thought of that! (Eye roll)

All I can say to my prospective employers, is that I am super efficient, very hardworking, and I have no family drama that will affect my work. I am also very good for office morale. I'm not kidding. I can't tell you how many supervisors have told me that. It's because I am even MORE hilarious in person. I'm not one of those people who only seem funny in their blogs and then have the personality of a wet sock. This is the real deal, people. (And I promise I keep any swearing to a bare minimum in the privacy of my own head.)

I wouldn't want to work for anyone who didn't have enough of a sense of humor that they wouldn't be able to take my blog very "tongue in cheek."

To clarify, I really don't have a substance abuse problem, as it would indicate. It's just funny. (I'm not saying I don't use Xanax occasionally, or have drinks with friends. The truth is that I am saving the "abuse" part for my retirement. Something to look forward to.)

I am also a pretty good mom, for as much as I self-deprecate.

Now, enough about me, and on to Brittney Spears...

I'm a little irritated that her album is #1.

I've been saving a bottle of champagne for her official demise. I almost drank it when she shaved her head. Who knew that the American public would be so forgiving? I just don't find her singing voice particularly talented. Its very whiney and auto-tuned. She's a dancer. Okay, she USED to be a dancer. Now she gyrates. I could do that much. I DO, do that much! I am much more entertaining. She desecrated "Mouseketeer" status, much like that ho Keri Russell. And who the hell marries a backup dancer???

I know the gays love her...but it's because her shows are all humpy and campy. It's not because of real talent. I would rather...MUCH MUCH rather, go see a drag show. But she's got to go. I've been waiting for like 14 years for it to end. Okay, I will stop talking about her already.

-Sigh-
And finally...

An Open Letter to the US Congressmen and Women:

I am on the verge of descending in to Washington to give you a piece of my mind. You are all overpaid, narcissistic blow-hards that care more about furthering your parties agendas than coming to an agreement so that people can keep their jobs. Your job is to create a budget. How about you cut all the funding towards ridiculous projects that line your pockets, and keep in things that make sense, like providing birth control so that morons like your parents don't reproduce and create future idiot Senators and Representatives?

How about you come door to door to every household that has a soldier deployed, and tell their wives they aren't getting a paycheck? Why don't you go tell all the soldiers in Afghanistan that too? I'm sure their minds will really be on fighting for no reason, while their wives can't pay the rent or buy food at home because they only have one income. What are the priorities in this country? You will continue to deliver mail, but you will stop paying soldiers who could die???

And how about the tens of thousands of other government employees who may or may not get paid for a few weeks? I know I will get paid eventually because my job is mission essential, so they will backpay me. But most are not, and it is to be determined whether they will get paid if they are furloughed. That's a great way to rebound the economy.

Get it together, and fast. Because you are about to be in some serious trouble from the American people if you don't. I will campaign in 2012 to eliminate ALL of you sad idiots from office, and elect people who know how to get shit done!

(Scene)

Recruiting School, Weeks 3 and 4 and 5

I am going to do another post tonight, when I have full, functional use of pictures (Doesn't work right on this computer!)

But for now, I am updating you on Andy's recruiting school status:

Week Three was learning how to put together a new recruit packet. Evidentally, for those of you who don't have good keyboarding skills, it will be kind of rough. It takes quite awhile to fill out the paperwork, and get it put together. I struggled to find sympathy for him, that he had to sit and put together paperwork all day. (What the hell does he think I do at work????) At the end of the week, you are timed, as you put together a packet from start to finish. Not exactly rocket-science.

Week Four (last week) they learned the finer points of cold calling. This is probably the worst part of your job as a recruiter. Calling random people and asking if they want to join the army. They have you make a script, and you have to follow it pretty much to a "T". Each day, there is a practice "call" with your small group instructor. You won't fail this part...they will sit you in a room with a giant swirly on a projection screen and tape your eyelids open if you are too dense to get it....or something. Or maybe they just beat you with pugal sticks. Regardless, this isnt as hard as you think it is...you just need to get over your fear of public speaking, since the whole class is watching you.

Week Five (current week) is live calls to random folks. This is when you actually WILL get hung up on. lol. There was a good amount of homework over the weekend, which proved frustrating for Andy because he has a small mini netbook, with no Microsoft Office on it, and he needed Powerpoint for the project that is due this week: Creating his "I love the Army" book. Lord knows what his looks like...he's not a moron or anything, but I've envisioned him sitting and scrapbooking. He actually knows powerpoint better than most of the other MS Office programs. This week will entail later nights, since the live calling is done between 6-8pm so that you might actually reach people at home.

I bought these shoes, then it all just kind of went from there...

I got home to PA on Thursday night, and my intentions were to keep the whole trip under $300.

My intentions were good, but very, very off-track.

Friday:
Mom and I went shopping.

I know, I know...this is the last freaken place I should've gone. I promised myself like 8 times I was just going to look. Then I saw the 50% off EVERYTHING sale at NY&Co. and out the door went that idea. Everything really WAS 50% off!!! I could've spent all day in there, but we left the boys on a bench out in the mall while we tried on our arm-loads of clothes. They got good and pissed, and kept texting us to hurry up. We told them if they just sat there and took it like men, we would make it worth their while.

So I got a few things, spent $88 and swore to not spend more.

Til I saw these H by Halston shoes and I knew it was already too late the moment I set eyes on them. I will update this with a picture later when I get home. They have about a 7 inch heel and 2 inch platform.

Dems' hooker shoes.

By the time Friday shopping trip was over, I had spend $200. Then I went to dinner with my sister, mom and brother in law. Another $100 down.

Then a last minute text to my cousins, and my plans for the night were completed. Let me just say, it's Monday and I still hurt. My cousins are in their early 20s, and while I kept up in terms of drinks, my body couldnt keep up with me. At one point, my ankles couldnt bear the weight of my body with those shoes at such a high angle, and I just fell. I had to take the shoes off bc I couldn't stand up anymore. My ankles were just weakened. I can tell this is going to be a gradual training process.

I also spend about $200 for Gavins bday party Saturday. Then I ended up staying all day yesterday and finally got back to my house in NY around midnight.

I had a good weekend. It was sad to leave, since it's the last time I will be home for probably 6-8 months. I am a basket of hormones and have cried almost nonstop. I didn't think it would make me so sad to leave them all, since I live 5 hours away anyway. But other than when I lived in Alaska, Ive always been within a 14 hour car ride home. I also miss Andy. And we are still waiting to find out if we have this house out in Cali. I had fun this weekend though,despite my dread over the long drive. It's always nice to put things behind you and look onward to the next adventure....

which takes place in San Francisco, in about 4 weeks when Andy and I fly out on our scouting trip, sans kids.

A birthday party kind of mood...

I'm goin' home, yo.

I leave tomorrow to head to good ole Lancaster, PA for the weekend. It's the last time I see my family before we head cross country to San Francisco.

It's also my brat's birthday (Gavin), aka: My Payback. He's already had two birthday events..one being a birthday dinner in St Lucia with a cake, since Andy is gone for the 5th year in a row. And then his sleepover last weekend, of which the effects are still, well...effecting me. This kid is milking it too. He know what cards to play when it comes to "my daddy missed my birthday again." I think at this point, we can all agree that a normal birthday is without Daddy, so give it up, kid.

This weekend, we are going to my grandparents house and my cousins are coming. And we are having ANOTHER birthday party for him. He will be thrilled at the propect of multiple presents, since mostly it involves birthday cards in the mail, and nothing to open in person. It will be great to see everyone before we go...undoubtedly, we won't be home for a while.

I never seem to have time when I go home to see my friends. I would love to go see one of my best friends, "Waif", as I have called her since high school. But she's another two hours from my moms, and its pretty much a whole day event to drive down and back. It really sucks that we can't see each other more often, but most of my best friends have no kids or little kids and no money. Now I am in the stage I can laugh at them because my kids are old enough to amuse themselves and I have a fair amount of boredom because they also do chores. I can start living again!

Moving across the country again reminds me of when I first left home to get married at 19. A week after my wedding, Andy came up to move our mismatched things down to our humble abode on Ft Benning. My best friends out in the yard of my parents house, saying goodbye. We cried like we were dying. I've always had a flair for the dramatic. Poor Andy must have felt like an asshole...lol. Taking me away from the life and people I knew to move to GA with him and our two month old son.

Now I am moving out west. To a real city. With things to do every day, places to see. Something to experience, other than people going in their pajamas to the grocery store. And I am moving to two of the best friends I have, which I never thought would happen again.

But I feel guilty leaving my family. (Damn conscience.)

My grandparents won't fly. This probably bothers me the most, since they are getting up there in age and I love them to death. My grandfather had a quadruple heart bypass last spring, and I was by his side for a week. They have to be a priority to me to come home to see regularly.

My sisters are starting their families. I don't want to miss my nephews and niece's adoption. But I don't think that realistically, we will be able to fly back as soon as this summer. Births, I will be home for. I will not miss those.

My parents are on their own. After two years of living with me, my dad is moving back to PA. It's like they are just starting over again with life, by themselves.

I hate to leave them.

But I know I have to. I knew from the time I was about 10, that I would need to go far and away. I have that wandering spirit. That's why the military wife gig suits me. I need new things, new places, and new people. I take only the bare minimum friends with me...keeping in touch is hard and it's about quality.

Now I am kind of sad. But excitement reigns in my body. I am going to break it down.

"Minor Technical Difficulties" have ensued.

So Sunday, I fell down the stairs.

Not my most graceful move...that's for sure.

I guess my foot slipped down the steps and up in the air I went. I landed on my back on the bottom steps and it knocked the air right out of me. Since then, my back has progressively gotten more sore.

Today I woke up and had no motivation to get up. Worse, I found that it wasn't easy to do either. Everything had gotten really stiff overnight.

So off to school the kids went, and I went back to bed. Unfortunately, I can't sleep, so I'm laying here, prisoner to daytime tv.

I find myself wishing Andy was home to do the laundry. My kids appear to have worn enough clothes to dress 20 kids this week. And now it's in the laundry room. I almost lost my shit when I went in to put a load in the washer and found FOLDED CLOTHES thrown in the basket/mountain of dirty stuff. (what the hell is wrong with my kids???)

So, I'm packing up most of their clothes and keeping out the bare minimum for the next two months. I have no patience for constantly doing laundry unnecessarily. They haven't gotten the memo that I am not the household laundry bitch.

I find myself thankful that my husband deals with that when he's home. And it makes me miss him ever so much more.

Guilty Indulgence for the weekend? A muzzle for my son.

Do you have a child that doesn't EVER shut up?

In all reality, it should come as no surprise my son is talkative. He DOES have me for a mother.

But THIS kid NEVER STOPS TALKING. It's becoming worse and worse. The only way I can quiet my house, is to send him outside.

Bad mother.

Instead of keeping him grounded because of his poor attitude lately, I choose the sweet sounds of silence.

Instead of teaching him a lesson, I give myself the gift of no mortal combat between my sons.

Until the sun starts to set, and he needs to come in for the night.

Welcome World War III.

And then I look wistfully at Andy's hearing aids, and think, "YOU LUCKY FUCKER. Half-deaf and you STILL manage to come out the winner."

I’ve decided (#3)…

…that balance-ball technology only applies to women who don’t have cottage-cheese thighs to begin with. Those bitches in the commercials were already blessed with good genes, so excuse me for doubting a pair of sneakers are going to trim me down while I eat a bowl of macaroni and cheese.

…that I’d like to know when my wrists and cleavage started looking old?! I swear last time I looked down things were still in good working order.

…that no matter how many times I’ve gone to bed alone because my husband is gone playing soldier, it sucks more and more.

…that the true definition of Determination, is waiting in line at the Burger King drive-thru for 45 minutes so that you don’t have to get out of your car and walk inside.

…that military haircuts are unflattering, at best, for most soldiers due to misshapen head issues. I would like to vote in favor of the “Kingpin” aka the Bowl Cut ….

…that in light of the recent earthquakes in the world and terrifying damage that has happen because of them….I think I will take my chances with moving to California because it means I won’t be obligated to go see my family and/or in-laws every month or endure guilt-trips. YOU ALL OWN CARS TOO, PEOPLE!!!

…that not understanding the lyrics to some songs is NO excuse for not attempting to sing along with them. This is how “La Isla Bonita” became “Lucky Star Oneta.”

…that I still kind of like Charlie Sheen, even though, by all accounts, he is a giant pompous ass. He’s funny as shit and kind of rascally.

A house is not a home.

I've found my mind completely shot the past two weeks.

I am still not sleeping. My dreams are full of all the rental houses I've been looking at obsessively.

When we moved up to NY from Fort Benning, GA...there was a similar problem with quality rentals being available on the market. Mostly because there are no quality houses up here. (lol. but seriously.)

So I found a house on Craigslist that looked SUPER nice. After finding out it was a SGT Major that owned it, I figured they are senior level and trustworthy.

Boy was I wrong. $2500 worth of wrong.

I had given them the deposit because I was a homeowner and I knew how antsy they must be renting their house to a stranger. Plus, then I knew it was locked down and we had a place to go.

Then we arrived. The house was a DISASTER. Mold in the basement, where three of the bedrooms were, melted popsicles on the floor, spray painted windows in the living room and an iron mark in the middle of the bedroom floor. I was pissed. The lady's mom was there and got furious with me when I said I wasn't taking it. She shrieked at me how it was a beautiful home.

Even if these people were so inbred that they thought their house was amazing, it was telling that NONE of these issues were in the pictures. They kept close attention to masking those details. The people up here are like that movie, "The Hills Have Eyes." I am terrified to drive through the southwest.

Basically I tried to get my money back, and even tried to file in small claims court against them, but I couldn't because they were in Texas. So we were screwed, homeless and out another $2500 deposit that we had to put down in a shoebox of a townhouse to wait until housing was available ON Ft Drum.

In essence, it was a disaster of epic porportions and Andy blames me BIG TIME for #1-Renting a house without someone seeing it in person and #2-Because I was a moron for making us move to Ft Drum because my friend was moving here and no other valid reason. (It's true...I have to suck both of these up, much to my chagrin. There is simply no one else to blame this on.)

So now Andy is afraid to lock down a house in CA before we can see it, which I would be too if it weren't for my BFF's who can go look at homes for us. I trust their judgement. If anything, they are even more picky than me.

I found one great one, minus the fact that it's only one bathroom. But Andy is skeptical. Leaving us disagreeing on what we are going to realistically get. I can tell you this much...if we don't go with something good bc we are waiting for something better to come along and then can't find anything, I will be the one who is mad.

FML.

This body was made for the SPA.

I begin this week with a certain level of exhaustion, so relaxing treatments are sounding appealing to me right now.

Maybe I should be a little more embarrassed of my weight. I actually weigh a lot. Luckily, I don’t look as fat as I really am, which in my mind, gives me license to eat more. I also think that my ability to lose large amounts of weight in short periods of time doesn’t encourage me to adopt a more healthy lifestyle. Yet, I keep trying because I aspire to be health-concious.

I attribute it to being “muscular” underneath my fat.

Surprisingly, I have no issues with going to a spa and getting rubbed down by a total stranger. Or NOT a total stranger…one of my friends was my massage therapist when I lived in GA. I miss her hands….not in a creepy way.

But I can’t help but wonder how gross it must be to rub down a complete stranger. I would imagine that hairy people are the worst. I keep wondering how to bring up the subject of “man-scaping” to my sons without completely horrifying them, while not completely encouraging them to start trimming away pubes on my bathroom floor. Let’s be honest…these kids don’t pick up their socks, so do you really think they will scoop up rogue crotch hairs?

ME NEITHER.

Actually, I think rubbing down a fat person wouldn’t be that bad. Kind of like a large stress ball. Or bread dough….Sounds stress relieving on a different level.

I am also desperately trying to stop smoking. I really need to, and I know all the reasons why. But unless I start drinking more often, it’s the last thing I can clutch to in a panic attack since I’ve given up the Xanax. And I’ve been smoking a lot lately. I seem to be failing at everything I am attempting in the past two weeks, and normally I’m fine with that. But right now I need things to be going right.

I need Tom Cruises help. The mystic power of Scientology.

Okay, maybe I’m not that desperate.

Walt Disney World Do’s and Don’t’s

My family are Disney Fanatics. It started when I was 6, and my parents took us for the first time. Now my grandparents, parents, sister and my family all own the Disney Vacation Club timeshare. But before we bought the timeshare, we have stayed at just about every resort in the community, making me somewhat of an expert on Walt Disney World. Disney World is pretty expensive, but I will give you some great tips on how to have the best vacation ever!!!

Hotels:
DO stay at a Walt Disney World hotel. They have hotels in EVERY price range, and the quality and service is amazing. Once you get there, you park your car and don’t touch it again until you leave. They provide transportation around all of their property for free!!! Buses, monorails and boats…traveling on their transportation is an attraction in itself. This includes roundtrip free transportation from the airport!!

My Recommendations for Hotels:

Price-Conscious Hotel:
Disney All-Star Movies Resort

Medium Price Range:
Disney’s Caribbean Beach Resort

Deluxe Accomodations:
Disney’s Beach Club Resort

Deluxe Villas (Home away from home, with KITCHENS and multiple bedrooms!):
Disney’s Old Key West Resort
Disney’s Wilderness Lodge

Meal plan vs. “winging it”:
If you stay on the property, you can choose to take part in their meal plan or deluxe meal plan. The only downside is that everyone in your party has to do the same thing, so if you are staying with friends or family, be aware that everyone has to be on the same page.

If you want to be more budget-conscious, DO choose against the meal plan. Eat breakfast in the room, poptarts, donuts or Nutragrain bars. Take your own bottles of water. Every water fountain in the Disney property goes through a water purification system. IT’s ALL CLEAN, cold and delicious. So refill your bottles as you walk around instead of paying $4 a bottle. Another tip is to eat your big dinner at lunch time. Lunchtime prices are much better for big meals, and usually portions are the same, PLUS it’s easier to get reservations and gives you a break from the hot sun! That way you save dinner time for something easier and less filling, like sandwiches or salads, and you can be out on the rides while everyone else waits for dinner.

Also, take note when ordering burgers or “quick service” meals where you order at the counter:

The kids meals are the SAME SIZE as the adult meals, but half the price!!!! We figured this out when we were still kids, and we still order kids meals for ourselves.

The meal plans are a good value ONLY if your kids are under the age of 11. (See Disney’s Options for Dining Plans and pricing:


Now that my kids are too old, we will not be doing the dining plan anymore, unless Andy and I go alone. It’s a TON of food anyway, and you end up gaining weight even though you are walking around so much.

DO make reservations for a character meal. Cinderella’s Royal Table is on the second floor of the castle in the Magic Kingdom. It’s a beautiful way to share a special meal with your kids.

Theme Parks:
One key thing is that you DON’T need to bring your strollers and then lug them everywhere. For a reasonable charge, you can rent a stroller at one park in the morning, turn it in, hop a bus to another park, and show your receipt and get another one without getting charged again. Plus then you don’t have to worry about someone stealing it when you go on rides. They also rent double strollers, which is great if you have a baby and a toddler. Even 4/5 year olds get pretty tired of walking around and welcome the chance to ride.

DO get to the parks EARLY. Go on the most popular rides first, grabbing a FASTPASS that will allow you to skip lines and ride again. After lunch, it is super hot in Florida, so use this time to go back to the hotel and take a nap and a cool dip in the pool. Then you’re able to return to the park around dinnertime and play for the rest of the evening.

DO Go to the Animal Kingdom first thing in the morning. It’s jungle-like and humid, so the heat of the afternoon sun makes it unbearable. Go right to the Safari Expedition when you get there and the morning is cool. This is your best chance to see the animals. They tend to vanish as the day gets warmer.

DON’T miss the shows! Disney goes out of their way to put on some spectacular shows and parades. You might think they are stupid, but your kids will remember them for their entire lives, because there is nothing else like it. It all helps to make the Disney experience unlike any normal vacation. You really are in a magical kingdom!