This body was made for the SPA.

I begin this week with a certain level of exhaustion, so relaxing treatments are sounding appealing to me right now.

Maybe I should be a little more embarrassed of my weight. I actually weigh a lot. Luckily, I don’t look as fat as I really am, which in my mind, gives me license to eat more. I also think that my ability to lose large amounts of weight in short periods of time doesn’t encourage me to adopt a more healthy lifestyle. Yet, I keep trying because I aspire to be health-concious.

I attribute it to being “muscular” underneath my fat.

Surprisingly, I have no issues with going to a spa and getting rubbed down by a total stranger. Or NOT a total stranger…one of my friends was my massage therapist when I lived in GA. I miss her hands….not in a creepy way.

But I can’t help but wonder how gross it must be to rub down a complete stranger. I would imagine that hairy people are the worst. I keep wondering how to bring up the subject of “man-scaping” to my sons without completely horrifying them, while not completely encouraging them to start trimming away pubes on my bathroom floor. Let’s be honest…these kids don’t pick up their socks, so do you really think they will scoop up rogue crotch hairs?

ME NEITHER.

Actually, I think rubbing down a fat person wouldn’t be that bad. Kind of like a large stress ball. Or bread dough….Sounds stress relieving on a different level.

I am also desperately trying to stop smoking. I really need to, and I know all the reasons why. But unless I start drinking more often, it’s the last thing I can clutch to in a panic attack since I’ve given up the Xanax. And I’ve been smoking a lot lately. I seem to be failing at everything I am attempting in the past two weeks, and normally I’m fine with that. But right now I need things to be going right.

I need Tom Cruises help. The mystic power of Scientology.

Okay, maybe I’m not that desperate.

As I sit in paradise, I realize I suck at relaxing.

Day 4 in St Lucia...

I have now spent 2 full days in one of the most relaxing places I've ever been. I've tried as best I can to block out all the events I will encounter in the next 3 months. I've laid on the beach, and cursed my blueish-white thighs. I've so far, managed to dodge a lobster-esque sunburn. I've laid around, doing nothing but reading trash magazines. I've consumed my weight in rum.

I'm bored.

I know...cry you a river, right?

I'm not really complaining. But I find myself missing my bed, my dogs, my ability to not live out of a suitcase. And I am ready to plan out my moving. We got a lot of information in the two days before we flew here...we are moving to San Francisco proper and we ARE allowed to sign a lease, so we can go househunt before we move...which alleviates many of my anxieties.

But we've also spent a buttload of money here. The food is RIDICULOUSLY expensive. The alcohol is much cheaper though. We chartered a private boat for the day tomorrow, in an attempt to get out and do something. Andy and the boys want to snorkel. I don't do floating, so I will be riding up front, happy as a dog sticking its head out of a moving car window.

My MIL and I are also going to go shopping, which I know will end in utter depression and lots of overeating, since I won't fit in to any of the clothes in the high-end boutiques. AND I really shouldn't spend more on clothes and accessories anyway.

It's been a good trip, but I really need structure in my life....so this can get a little maddening.

Keri

I have kind of crappy luck...

If you haven't realized by now, I have horrible luck and as a result, even worse timing. I guess it wasn't the best choice to start my "positive thinking" exercise now, but how can you ever predict something really awful is going to happen?

In any case, I did pretty well to get through yesterday and this weekend. I had a pretty good weekend, getting a few things accomplished around the house. We are officially in the Pre-PCS(Primary Change of Station, for you non-military peeps) stage, with only 4 months to go until we leave this God-forsaken place.

Since we go on vacation soon, and Andy leaves from there for recruiting school, any last minute chores I need him to accomplish have to be done in the next two weeks. There is quite a laundry list for the poor guy. I am such a control freak, I would do most of it myself, except for the fact I'm kind of lazy when it comes to stuff I know he can't screw up. I'm not saying Andy screws things up all the time...when it's things that are high on his list of priorities, it's done immaculately.

Let me give you an example: He started refinishing my dining room set two months ago. I have a table done, 3 chairs are stained but not varnished and 3 chairs are yet to be touched. He has this weekend to get it done because next weekend, he will be packing. So on Sunday, you would think he would prioritize and get cracking on the chairs...but instead, he decides to go through the kids toys in their rooms and weed them out.

What??!?!?!?!? I have no idea. These things just pop into his head and feels compelled to get them done IMMEDIATELY, or it gives him anxiety and he can't sit down.

So here I am, cracking the whip, nagging him to finish the chairs because this is not something I am going to be doing while he is gone. I have to plan a move. I do EVERYTHING for the move. All he has to do is be my muscle, so this is the time I need him to focus on my list of things to finish up.

I started to get a little anxious on Sunday and I guess it worked it's way in to my subconscious because I didn't sleep hardly at all. I usually ruin my Sundays worrying about going back to work the next day...but I went in the bathroom and turned the shower on and just sat there. The sound of running water calms me and usually makes me tired, but it still didn't work. I tried to think of things that make me happy (no, not grilled cheese. Okay, grilled cheese makes me VERY happy...but I wasn't thinking about food THIS time) but nothing would make me tired.

But last night, I did really well, even in spite of the news we had lost a friend. I don't really want to talk anymore about the incident than what I said yesterday, out of respect for the familys privacy. I was able to really focus on relaxing by listening to music and blocking out all the negative thoughts that wanted to invade my mind. I have to push them out. It's a battle, but I am trying to find new ways to do this. What do you do to relax or meditate? I can't clear my head of all thoughts, but I CAN replace the bad thoughts with good ones.

Spa Sundays: My reward for good behavior

If you have a relationship with a man in the military or a single woman AND you have children, you realize that there are many times that you don’t get the weekend off to recoup. I find getting through a deployment like running a marathon (or so I’m told, because let’s be honest…I don’t run.) You just keep going and going, seeing that finish line in the distance, and even though you can’t even feel your rubbery legs, you somehow make it to the end. Then you collapse.

It normally takes me a few months to get in the groove again. Andy is borderline OCD, so he doesn’t believe in sitting still on weekends and relaxing. The first few years we were married, it made me feel incredibly guilty that I was sitting happily on the couch while he went by, lifting my legs out of the way as he vacuumed. But now, I am used to it. I look at Sundays as my “Don’t ask me to do anything” Day. I stay in bed late… sometimes just laying there. Then I might get up and cook some delectable breakfast for my family, but not out of obligation. That is what makes the difference. I only do what I want to do, not what I have to do. Today I did put in a pork roast to slow cook through the day. I will be making an apple cider reduction sauce to top it off with later.

Most of the day, I watch the Food Network or DIY. You can get a lot of good ideas from watching these channels. Or I sit and watch all the shows on my DVR that I taped for me, like Project Runway. I am about 5 episodes behind because Andy will NOT watch this show, although my sons love it. This week, spa Sunday will include me running on the treadmill for 10 minutes. Not because I like exercise, but because I like the thought of having a slender body. But we can’t always win.

I realize I am lucky that I have a husband that cleans. In fact, Andy does ALL the laundry when he is home. My father is NOT a cleaner. It used to make my mom manic because she would have to do all the chores/laundry/cooking/shopping herself. I am too much of a bitch. I wouldn’t have allowed it, because I have a sense of self-worth. I work a full-time job outside of the home, and there is no way I will do it all, wear myself in to the ground, and slowly grow to resent my husband and his Neanderthal laziness. Hell no. Give your husband a choice. He can do the grocery shopping, or he can do the cooking. He can do the laundry or he can clean the bathrooms. Divide things up. What is he going to tell you? No? HAHA. If he does, then see how fast he changes his mind once there is no dinner made for him, or no clean clothes when he goes to work.

I guess my point to this post is that you don’t have to wait for Mother’s Day to have some time to yourself. Obviously if your husband is gone, you are going to have to modify this. When your kids are old enough, you can develop Quiet Afternoon Sundays. The kids have to sit and work on an art project or read a book so that you have time to relax. It’s good that they grow up already having a time set aside to put all the stress out of their minds and just do something enjoyable. Laundry will wait…housecleaning will wait. Good mental health is worth so much more than 3-4 hours of work. You are the rock of your household, and no one is going to give you a break from that. I waited for years, but being the mom/wife is the keystone that holds the family together. So you have to just create what works for your family.