A Year of "Status" Posts in Review, brought to you by Facebook

I was going to post something completely different today, but when I logged on to my Facebook account to see if anyone loves me today (they don't), they had a new app that you can choose from your "status" updates from the whole year and post a year in review. So here you have it...my highlight reel:

Oh, I’m sick of working. Ready to retire.~I have a headache from lack of carbs and fat. Dieting really sucks.~2 weeks with no fast food. Too bad I’m going to replace it with alcohol!;)~YAY! I will be an Aunt soon!~Went tanning as to not scare the Californians and now to tackle laundry and packing!~Am I the only one sad that Capt Phil from Deadliest Catch died?~Ready for Olympic viewing in bed..if I can make it without passing out first!~Good luck to the Iraqi’s voting in their election today. Let their freedom not be in vain, for the soldiers that have given their lives, and let it continue so those that are still there can come home safely.~I drank 3 beers on a Monday night. I just want to be held accountable for that.~There are time when I seek solace to keep from losing my temper. One of those times is when my 10 year old decides it’s a good idea to spray paint the carpet.~SPAM is an underappreciated source of pork. Just sayin…~Sometimes I have to dig deep to turn on the sparkling charisma that is me. SIGH.~Oh, my. Can I call in sick tomorrow? Or just call in lazy?~Happy at the thought of my little sis waking up a mom tomorrow. I can’t wait to hear how it went to get 3 kids up and ready for school for the first time!~Hmmmm. What can I eat?~Stop being paranoid about the government and fill out your damn Census! (There, that was me being civic-minded)~Sometimes you just have to make lemonade when life hands you lemons. (And sometimes you get squirted in the eye with the juice!)~Too nice out today. Makes me wish I actually had something fun to do. LIKE GO TO THE CASINO!~My Yahoo homepage just told me that I spend 5 years of my life eating. Somehow, I know that is setting the bar a little low.~One of the worst things to experience, is when you lose the remote control and have to keep getting up out of bed to change the channel. I might spill my margarita!~Shopping, shopping, shopping! Momma got a new purse…or two. Nothing heals the soul quite like it.~Wish for today: That I could drop it like it’s hot. Maybe not the dropping, but the picking back up without my knees cracking.~I never win at bingoL~Remind me again why I work? Oh yeah. I like purses.~Laws of Attraction, huh? Well, in the unlikely event it works, I am visually channeling no laundry to do, a clean house and a cheeseburger.~My head hurts, and I don’t know which person I’m irritated with to blame it on!~What a weird week. It’s amazing what makes you stop and adjust your perspective.~Anyone want some inlaws? I will give you a good deal for cheap!~I wish the cleaning fairies would come tonight while I am sleeping. ~I say the “Speidi” separation is just for media attention. And I am kind of ashamed I devoted my status to that.~Where did THOSE wrinkles come from???!!!~I had a really big drink tonight. It made me very happy.~I exercised two nights in a row. Yeah, I know. All you know in the world to be true has now been shattered. Just don’t start setting high expectations.~Glad my beefcake is home.~Well...now what?~Why can’t these kids go back to school already?~What is an acceptable amount of doughnuts to consume without being judged?~Yucky week. Andy’s stepdad just passed away.~I just want to eat lots of bread and go back to sleep.~Are you sure this exercise stuff works? So far I just hurt.~I heart Gordon Ramsey.~I sneezed and I think I broke my ovary.

How cold does it have to get to make a “Snuggie” desirable?

The answer to that question, my friends, is whatever temperature it is right now. Though I’ve mocked it many times, the concept is slowing winning me over. A blanket with sleeves and a hood is just the thing for your multi-tasking loved one. Especially when they live in hell and the dumbasses that built the housing put the heating vents on the ceiling. Because apparently in upstate NY, schools don’t teach that heat rises. It’s especially fun when Andy is downstairs and cold, so he cranks up the heat. Naturally, I am in bed trying to nap, but sweltering away like I’m in the sauna.

I told Andy I would send him a camouflage Snuggie when he was deployed. There were some nights he was so cold there, he would’ve used it. I like the idea that it comes in different patterns and colors. If there was a pinstriped one, you could even wear it to work. I WOULD wear it at work! I have no heat in my office, since when they built it out, it somehow slipped their minds that we have feet of snow and it gets a tad chilly.

Another benefit of owning a snuggie would be the easy accessibility for streaking, though I haven’t done that since high school. Maybe Amazon should market them as a BOGO to sell with their pedophile books, because even perverts like a good bargain. (See my post on “Amazon sells “how to” books for pedophiles and realize that I am being sarcastic.)

Personally, I don’t think anything says “do me” like a snuggie. Its great for avoiding sex. You would never need to come up with a good excuse of why you don't feel "in the mood" because you would never be asked! You definitely won’t have to worry about whether or not you look fat in it…It’s a snuggie! Great for masking those extra pounds you put on during the holidays.

I’m totally in.

I was nominated on Babble's Top 50 Mom Blogs List. So pretty please take two minutes and click here: http://www.babble.com/babble-50/mommy-bloggers/nominate-a-blogger/index.aspx then scroll down to "Glamorous Life" and click on the "like" button.
Thanks a bunch!

Like having another baby...just without gaining 40 pounds!

I am so happy (and relieved) today to announce that my new blog, "Bacon in my Suitcase" has been born!!

CLICK ON THE LINK

Bacon In My SuitcaseI was a moron for going through Word Press since I have little to no experience creating websites, and I got so frustrated dealing with the "themes" and "templates" and "headers", I finally just ended up going on www.elance.com and hired someone to do it for me! Let me tell you, it is so much easier to use Blogger to manage all the gadgets, etc... on a blog. I ate an entire container of chocolate Haagen-daaz last night, and I don't even like chocolate ice cream.


Thank you to Abe at Eugene Web Solutions for putting up with my temper tantrums, frustration and meltdowns, and for doing an amazing job creating my theme!


I decided to split up my blog and move the travel and food parts in able to feature them more prominently. "Glamorous" is more of my personal blog, "mommy" blog if you must, military-related blog.
"Bacon" is to feature kitchen/cooking product reviews, opinions, recipes, wineries, wine education, restaurants, food in general, travel, vacation reviews, travel on budget.


Where did I come up with "Bacon in my Suitcase" for a title? It came to me in an Ambien/Xanax-induced half-coma. If I had to travel with my favorite food, what would it be? I think anyone would be hard-pressed
to NOT say bacon.


Anyway, you will notice my travel and food pages disappear from this blog soon, and you will have to give me a week or so to get things rolling, but thanks for your support through it and CHECK OUT MY NEW BLOG!!!!!

Um, books have PAGES!

First, it was the DVD player.

The only benefit I really saw in buying one, was that Blockbuster could no longer screw me backwards by charging ridiculous fees when I didn’t rewind my VCR tape. I mean, let’s be honest…we know those minimum wage clerks on the day shift have nothing to do anyway.

When Andy and I got married, he already had a blooming video collection. Soldiers who live in the barracks have two options for consistent entertainment. Video games or movies.

I decided I was going to create the most expansive movie collection anyone I know has ever seen. So I poured money in to buying, cataloging and alphabetizing VCR tapes. I researched online to find out what were “must-haves” and bought all the boxed sets too. We ended up with over 600 movies that we have lugged everywhere we went, and we haven’t owned a VCR in at least three years. I refused to buy a DVD player until you pretty much couldn’t rent tapes anymore, and I didn’t want to be caught up in a game of “your movie-viewing device is obsolete”.

Now it’s an “electronic book”.

If I want to read an “electronic book”, I will get on the internet. It’s the biggest “book” that exists. I can read about anything I want in seconds. But I’m not going to call it a “book” because it’s not.

Mankind started to advance once the written word evolved. We have documented our history and imagination, all in different handwriting and languages. We learned the stories of our grandparents by reading handwritten letters sent across the world in a romantic tale of love and war. I have boxes of letters between Andy and myself through the years and separations that we’ve endured with the military. Books are typed, but they still hold the character of their owner through the years. My Nana still writes her name inside the cover of a new book. When they make their way to me, I can look at that signature and feel her here. Books are warm, they smell, the pages are stained and tattered. We keep them for a lifetime, and pass them to those we care about.

So please stop and think twice before you ruin our barely funded libraries with Kindles and other E-books. One day, when you drop it in the pool and it erases your memory, you will think back to this post and wish you had listened.

My VCR collection?
We just got rid of it two months ago. I am still sick over it.




I was nominated on Babble's Top 50 Mom Blogs List. So pretty please take two minutes and click here: http://www.babble.com/babble-50/mommy-bloggers/nominate-a-blogger/index.aspx then scroll down to "Glamorous Life" and click on the "like" button.
Thanks a bunch!

I’ve Decided:

...that I like myself with bangs. It makes me look younger and kinda sexy, like Bridget Bardot. And it hides the roundness of my face. So screw you if you hate it.

…that grape chapstick is making a comeback. It’s like a little snack every time I lick my lips.

…that my only regret is to not take guitar lessons growing up. I would’ve been one bitchin rockstar.

…that apple pie counts as a serving of vegetables.

…that I only keep Footloose on my ipod because I am hoping a spontaneous yet choreographed group dance number will happen somewhere I go, and I want to be ready for it.

…that the most relaxing thing I have done all week is taking a 30 minute shower so I have time to shave my legs.

…that it’s not a good thing when you have to “pencil in” sex because you have too many family members visiting at one time.

…that my husband looks sexy while applying varnish remover to my dining room table. Or does my table look sexy because it’s being re-stained?

…that the only thing I don’t like about being married, is that I don’t know how to tell my husband that I need “me” time to lock our bedroom door, crank up the radio and dance and sing in to the mirror in my hairbrush.

…that having your own office isn’t as great as it’s cracked up to be. It’s very lonely.

…like a mouse to it’s cheese, okay…like me to my cheese, I crave my best friends.

…that some days, I just want to crawl in bed with my mom and watch a movie.

…that I want to buy a car wash foaming brush to ensure my sons are really scrubbing in the right places.





I was nominated on Babble's Top 50 Mom Blogs List. So pretty please take two minutes and click here: http://www.babble.com/babble-50/mommy-bloggers/nominate-a-blogger/index.aspx then scroll down to "Glamorous Life" and click on the "like" button.
Thanks a bunch!

Is it creepy that I am 31 and like the Jonas Brothers?

I totally don’t consider myself some old pervert, but evidently my sons do. I downloaded that “Burnin up” song from the Jonas Brothers and Gavin told me that I am too old to listen to them. Apparently, it’s disturbing to my sons that I am young enough to still listen to pop music, though, I’m not some soccer-mom that has CDs of children’s music and watches tween movies like, “High School Musical.”

Never mind my slight fascination with Zac Efron. (What? I would TOTALLY do him if I were like, 25.(30) sigh.

Taylor took a low blow to my gut at this point with, “When you get to be your age, mom…you have to start listening to Beethoven to increase your brain power so you don’t get “all’s-himers” because then you won’t know us anymore. And calcium because your bones are going to crack when you fall down the stairs” (I actually do trip down the stairs quite often, but more as a result of tripping over our dog than straight clumsiness.)

Then Gavin poured salt in the wound with my favorite, “Yeah, you’re even too old to have any more babies.”

Ummm…I’m 31, so I feel the need to defend my choice to stop popping out children. I’m young, especially to have two kids that are almost teenagers. Of course to them, we seem ancient as all parents do, but having issue with the tag team approach they were taking on my youth, I told them that if they even think of knocking some girl up at the age I was when I got knocked up…I will lock them in their room and ground them. Gavin tried to say he could figure out how to get out without us knowing if I did that, and I told him I would maim him. Like, staple their little balls to the floor. “Try to sneak out the window if I do that!”

Teenage pregnancy is a frequent topic of discussion at my household. We like to horrify the kids beyond imagination by telling them they will have to work at McDonalds for the rest of their lives and never go to Disney World with their children. (Which is about the most horrible thing they can imagine.) I make them watch Teen Mom and then tell them that if they get someone pregnant, they become abusive like Amber.

I also tell them that sex without condoms when you’re not married produces gremlins, which is why they aren’t allowed to eat after midnight.
Haha.

My worst fear as a mother of sons is that they can get MULTIPLE girls knocked up simultaneously. I really thought they would have the male birth control pill by now. When they do come out with it, I will be first in line. Forget parents who actually believe their kids will practice abstinence---I know my spawn. I will totally crush it up in their Capt Crunch, make them snort it…I don’t care. I will make it to my mid-forties before I am called Nana. I have no room in my Coach for packets of crackers and moist towelettes.




I was nominated on Babble's Top 50 Mom Blogs List. So pretty please take two minutes and click here: http://www.babble.com/babble-50/mommy-bloggers/nominate-a-blogger/index.aspx then scroll down to "Glamorous Life" and click on the "like" button.
Thanks a bunch!

Things I love: Diet Foods that don’t suck

If you have read my blog for any length of time, you know that I will not eat something that doesn’t taste good. In my current battle of the thunder thighs,and recently inspired by the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show (skinny bitches!!!!), I have uncovered some decent foods that don’t make me want to eat my own hand:


Chobani Greek Yogurt: This stuff is 0% fat! I was afraid to try it because it just sounds like something chunky and gross. But greek yogurt is the same consistency as regular yogurt, just a little creamier and heavier. It keeps you full longer and you don’t have to feel guilty about it. And the best thing is that I use the plain as a substitute for sour cream, so I can still indulge myself when I eat baked potatoes, pierogies and chicken quesadillas….oh my!

Pringles Stix/Honey Butter: These little sticks are so delicious, I want to lick the inside of the package(and sometimes do!). Only 90 calories a pack, they make you feel like you are eating something bad for you so you don’t give in when you have that late night craving. They fulfill both the sweet and the salty, and taste like a little cracker stick.

Green Giant Singles Pack/Cauliflower and Cheese Sauce: These little individual microwave containers are sold in a four pack in the freezer section. It’s actually covered in cheese sauce! You can also get broccoli and cheese sauce. The best part, is that they are only 40 calories and if you do Weight Watchers, it’s 0 points! I have one of these with my dinner every night and a glass of milk to help give me the illusion I am full.

100 Calorie Cheese Bites: I crave cheese like no tomorrow, but it’s one of the things that hinder me from losing weight. I was so happy when I found they sell 100 cal packs of cheese cubes in all different flavors. They taste like normal cheese, no imitations. I like to have a pack with my Friday night wine, or as an afternoon snack to get me through until dinner.

Smartones Meals: These are the only diet meals I can even come close to eating. My favorites are the mini-cheeseburgers and the Cranberry Turkey Medallions. They are small, but if you add a small salad to the burger, or a singles pack of veggies(see above), then you feel pretty full. Most meals are under 300 calories and are full of flavor.



I was nominated on Babble's Top 50 Mom Blogs List. So pretty please take two minutes and click here: http://www.babble.com/babble-50/mommy-bloggers/nominate-a-blogger/index.aspx then scroll down to "Glamorous Life" and click on the "like" button.
Thanks a bunch!