Um...yeah, me neither...

Did you ever buy a Ped-egg, as seen on tv, and realize you could've done the same half-assed job with a cheese grater?

Did you ever pretend to get another call so you could get off the phone with your mother in law?

Have you ever fed your children so much cereal for dinner that they think Spaghetti O's is a home-cooked meal?
(Haha...it's not quite to that level, but man sometimes I consider it...)

Have you ever sneezed hard and wondered if you shit yourself?

Have you ever silently cursed yourself for not letting your husband have more "guy time" in the beginning, because now he's so well-trained you feel guilty to ask for a girls night out?

Have you ever watched a 12 hour marathon of Law and Order on a Friday night, only to realize you've skipped being your mother and gone straight to your grandmother's social life?

Did you ever question why women say they have "a headache" to avoid sex, and then one day the light bulb went on?

Have you ever seriously considered just buying all new clothes, rather than tackle the mountain of dirty laundry?

Do you ever want a bigger house, for no other reason than to be able to buy more stuff to fill it with?



Shameless Begging About to Commence: I was nominated on Babble's Top 50 Mom Blogs List. So can you please take two minutes and click here: http://www.babble.com/babble-50/mommy-bloggers/nominate-a-blogger/index.aspx then scroll down to "Glamorous Life" (on the second page) and click on the "like" button.

A Year of "Status" Posts in Review, brought to you by Facebook

I was going to post something completely different today, but when I logged on to my Facebook account to see if anyone loves me today (they don't), they had a new app that you can choose from your "status" updates from the whole year and post a year in review. So here you have it...my highlight reel:

Oh, I’m sick of working. Ready to retire.~I have a headache from lack of carbs and fat. Dieting really sucks.~2 weeks with no fast food. Too bad I’m going to replace it with alcohol!;)~YAY! I will be an Aunt soon!~Went tanning as to not scare the Californians and now to tackle laundry and packing!~Am I the only one sad that Capt Phil from Deadliest Catch died?~Ready for Olympic viewing in bed..if I can make it without passing out first!~Good luck to the Iraqi’s voting in their election today. Let their freedom not be in vain, for the soldiers that have given their lives, and let it continue so those that are still there can come home safely.~I drank 3 beers on a Monday night. I just want to be held accountable for that.~There are time when I seek solace to keep from losing my temper. One of those times is when my 10 year old decides it’s a good idea to spray paint the carpet.~SPAM is an underappreciated source of pork. Just sayin…~Sometimes I have to dig deep to turn on the sparkling charisma that is me. SIGH.~Oh, my. Can I call in sick tomorrow? Or just call in lazy?~Happy at the thought of my little sis waking up a mom tomorrow. I can’t wait to hear how it went to get 3 kids up and ready for school for the first time!~Hmmmm. What can I eat?~Stop being paranoid about the government and fill out your damn Census! (There, that was me being civic-minded)~Sometimes you just have to make lemonade when life hands you lemons. (And sometimes you get squirted in the eye with the juice!)~Too nice out today. Makes me wish I actually had something fun to do. LIKE GO TO THE CASINO!~My Yahoo homepage just told me that I spend 5 years of my life eating. Somehow, I know that is setting the bar a little low.~One of the worst things to experience, is when you lose the remote control and have to keep getting up out of bed to change the channel. I might spill my margarita!~Shopping, shopping, shopping! Momma got a new purse…or two. Nothing heals the soul quite like it.~Wish for today: That I could drop it like it’s hot. Maybe not the dropping, but the picking back up without my knees cracking.~I never win at bingoL~Remind me again why I work? Oh yeah. I like purses.~Laws of Attraction, huh? Well, in the unlikely event it works, I am visually channeling no laundry to do, a clean house and a cheeseburger.~My head hurts, and I don’t know which person I’m irritated with to blame it on!~What a weird week. It’s amazing what makes you stop and adjust your perspective.~Anyone want some inlaws? I will give you a good deal for cheap!~I wish the cleaning fairies would come tonight while I am sleeping. ~I say the “Speidi” separation is just for media attention. And I am kind of ashamed I devoted my status to that.~Where did THOSE wrinkles come from???!!!~I had a really big drink tonight. It made me very happy.~I exercised two nights in a row. Yeah, I know. All you know in the world to be true has now been shattered. Just don’t start setting high expectations.~Glad my beefcake is home.~Well...now what?~Why can’t these kids go back to school already?~What is an acceptable amount of doughnuts to consume without being judged?~Yucky week. Andy’s stepdad just passed away.~I just want to eat lots of bread and go back to sleep.~Are you sure this exercise stuff works? So far I just hurt.~I heart Gordon Ramsey.~I sneezed and I think I broke my ovary.

I’ve Decided:

...that I like myself with bangs. It makes me look younger and kinda sexy, like Bridget Bardot. And it hides the roundness of my face. So screw you if you hate it.

…that grape chapstick is making a comeback. It’s like a little snack every time I lick my lips.

…that my only regret is to not take guitar lessons growing up. I would’ve been one bitchin rockstar.

…that apple pie counts as a serving of vegetables.

…that I only keep Footloose on my ipod because I am hoping a spontaneous yet choreographed group dance number will happen somewhere I go, and I want to be ready for it.

…that the most relaxing thing I have done all week is taking a 30 minute shower so I have time to shave my legs.

…that it’s not a good thing when you have to “pencil in” sex because you have too many family members visiting at one time.

…that my husband looks sexy while applying varnish remover to my dining room table. Or does my table look sexy because it’s being re-stained?

…that the only thing I don’t like about being married, is that I don’t know how to tell my husband that I need “me” time to lock our bedroom door, crank up the radio and dance and sing in to the mirror in my hairbrush.

…that having your own office isn’t as great as it’s cracked up to be. It’s very lonely.

…like a mouse to it’s cheese, okay…like me to my cheese, I crave my best friends.

…that some days, I just want to crawl in bed with my mom and watch a movie.

…that I want to buy a car wash foaming brush to ensure my sons are really scrubbing in the right places.





I was nominated on Babble's Top 50 Mom Blogs List. So pretty please take two minutes and click here: http://www.babble.com/babble-50/mommy-bloggers/nominate-a-blogger/index.aspx then scroll down to "Glamorous Life" and click on the "like" button.
Thanks a bunch!

Black Friday Madness: Yup, that’s exactly what it is!

The day after Thanksgiving brings the hoards of shoppers racing to find the deal of the century. I am not one to turn up my nose at some bargain shopping, but I hardly agree with the premise of Black Friday. Let me tell you my reasons:

1. Who the hell wants to get out of bed before 8am to get a family-sized trampoline or a Tickle Me Elmo? We get so few days off during the year, I am invoking my right to sleep in after I have crammed my gut full of carbs the day before.

2. The traffic is ridiculous. Unfortunately, if you don’t feel like cooking after you’ve slaved the day prior, you’re kind of screwed since they put all the good restaurants around the shopping centers. It’s even worse when you live near a town like Watertown, NY…where there is literally one road that everything is on.

3. Bitches ARE Crazy! Yes, I said it! People will get in your face and fight you if you grab the same pair of shoes. There were people trampled to death for the opening of a Walmart sale on Black Friday! I don’t know about you, but I am NOT going out like that! What would it say on your Tombstone? “I just had to buy that Paula Dean Cookware at a discount.” (It is good stuff, though.)

And #4…

I don’t like that it’s called Black Friday because I always get it confused with the day Jesus died, and then I feel guilty. That day is called Good Friday. Seems to me like somebody confused the two, because I would think a holiday devoted to shopping would be called Good Friday, and the Lamb of God being ruthlessly murdered would be Black Friday. I’m just saying…






I was nominated on Babble's Top 50 Mom Blogs List. So pretty please take two minutes and click here: http://www.babble.com/babble-50/mommy-bloggers/nominate-a-blogger/index.aspx then scroll down to "Glamorous Life" and click on the "like" button.
Thanks a bunch!

Random rant about Babies…and other ships that have sailed:

I don’t know if it’s that whole “biological clock” thing that everyone talks about, but lately I have wanted to have a baby. (GASP) I know that is the most shocking and disturbing thing I have said in the past ten years. I kind of want to wash my own mouth out with soap….and then violently cut out my tongue with bolt cutters.

One reason is that they smell good. And they are cuddly. I have a constant battle with my sons about the finer points of deodorant and Stridex pads. With babies, you still have everything to experience with them: The First Day of School, getting to see what their personalities are going to be like. My kids are boring! I already know them, and let me tell you…they are NOT all that fascinating right now. They don’t believe in Santa anymore…they don’t even play with toys anymore. It’s all about video games, skateboarding and giving me looks of disgust. Telling me how I need to stop living their lives for them now that I am 31 because mine is over. (Yeah, they kind of got me on that one, for right now anyway.)

I keep waiting for my sisters to have babies so I can smother them with kisses and give them sugar, and laugh hysterically when their kids fill the cat’s ears with ketchup. No, but seriously, I want to have my nieces and nephews every summer for a week. I want all my kids cousins to be close to them, just like I was with my cousins. Unfortunately, the only way this is going to happen is if they come stay with us. The good thing, is that we live far away so they can’t just drop in for babysitting.

So why don’t I have another baby? There are a few reasons, one being that Andy can’t. I forced him to be the one to get fixed after I had pretty much two pregnancies, back to back. Evidently birth control was not one of my strong suits, so left to my own devices, I would probably have 12 kids by now and live in a shoe, undoubtedly, a Birkenstock, not a Jimmy Choo. Secondly, my kids are 10 and almost 12. I would be a complete moron to start over, just when the finish line is in sight. I guess I will just have to continue admiring from afar until my clock breaks completely.

Or until my children continue on the pattern of teen pregnancy in our families, and make me a grandmother before I turn 40, which is more likely the story.

Motherhood…sheesh.

Growing up as an Army brat can’t be the easiest thing. For instance, my sons are extremely baffled when people ask them where they are from. Taylor wants to say Pennsylvania since he was born there. Gavin is under the assumption he is a southern boy since he was born in Georgia, and we have spent the most time living there. I find that pretty funny considering he’s half-Canadian, and that’s about as “Yankee” as you can get!

But Army brats do have a worldly element about them…making them a little more mature than other kids their age. I have wondered since they were babies, how would I ever discuss all the grown-up topics with them? Well…if I’ve learned anything, it’s that these situations present themselves.

Last week, the boys were getting ready for school. Keep in mind, it’s 6am and my mind doesn’t function until I am awake a few hours. I can’t even EAT for at least 2 hours after actually getting out of bed…unless I am served IN bed.

Anyway...

So Gavin was discussing a good friend of his at school, and he says, “Yeah, me and so-and-so are butt-buddies.”

At this point, I am sure I cocked my head to the side in confusion, looking one part “dog” and one part Andy when is pretending he didn’t hear what I said the first time in order to make me repeat it. (This is an on-going game when you live with 4 men.) “What did you just say?” I asked him, sure I heard it wrong. “We are butt-buddies…you know, when you are best friends with someone,” he said innocently.

“Gavin…that is busom buddies!” At this point, I was almost biting through the inside of my cheek. “You probably don’t want to go around school telling people you are butt-buddies with someone because it will make people think you are gay, and you aren’t.”

“Why would that make people think I’m gay?” he asked, weaving an even stickier web. By this point, Taylor is fully interested in the topic too. “Because,” I said, flustered. “That’s how gay men have sex.” (Um, not that there’s anything wrong with that?!)

The looks of horror put me over the edge, and I couldn’t hold back my laughter anymore.
I realize that you may be shocked that I would tell my children the truth on that one, but we have open discussions about things in my house and my kids are not afraid to ask me about any topic. And I don’t know if I would have described it quite the same, had I not been kung-fu kicked with the topic before the sun was even up. And I just want to clarify that I am trying to teach my kids that people are different, and gay doesn't equal wrong. But I don't want to them to get their butt kicked because they didn't know what they were talking about. What else are you supposed to say to something like that?


What funny questions have your children asked you, and how did you respond?

Let me tell you why I hate Halloween...

The Offenders

It's not so much the candy part. Any holiday that involves eating, I am generally in favor of. But with Halloween, it comes with stipulations. And I am usually skeptical of anything that requires action on my part.

When you have children, they want to trick or treat. I enjoyed this as a child, carrying my sacks of candy home, munching happily along the way. Until I DID get home, and my parents confiscated it to search for razor blades in apples and suspicious tampering of wrappers. I don't think I ever met anyone that found an actual razor blade in a piece of fruit, but this was the guise my parents operated under. The next day, the candy had vanished in to a lazy susan, which was transported by armored car to my fathers work....never to be seen or heard from again.

When I had kids, the costumes became more expensive and the quality of loot went waaaayyy down. It becomes an annual fight to even choose a costume. After we spend an entire weekend looking at Walmart, Target, the PX and finally landing at the over-priced seasonal costume store...looking at EVERY single costume...Just when I am about to keel over from exhaustion...my sons choose the same costume:

Last year, the little hooligans got me by telling me that their friend's mom wanted me to go with her to take the boys trick or treating. So I showed up at the house, where she told me it was wonderful that I said I would take HER THREE children trick or treating so she could stay at home and hand out candy!!! So I was stuck alone, taking 5 children around the neighborhood while she stayed in her toasty house. I bet she ate all the candy herself after we left. Kicked back with a glass of wine, and enjoyed the quiet.

Thats what I would've done.

So this year, we have bribed the kids to go have dinner and ice cream at Friendly's, or as I call it "BFF Friendly's." No trick or treating. Don't come to my house! "Keep on knockin', but you can't come in!"