Monday, January 21, 2013

"And then I woke up, and it was mid-January..."

What's up?

So I've been neglectful lately, I know. It's just that I have a ridiculously busy life, yet feel like I don't have one at all. I literally don't talk to my kids for 3 days a week, when I have to go in to the office for work, and spend my days at home in recovery...drowning out any pushes to make decisions, plans or otherwise taxing use of my brain. So usually, we do nothing. Which also sucks.

I mean, I still want to do things. I just don't always want to be the one who has to think about what it is we are going to do.

Conversation between me and Andy in the garage this weekend:

Me: "Stop being depressed and Debbie-Downer that you're 34 and retired. Most people would KILL to be 34 and retired and not have to worry about money. If you don't want to do laundry every day and feel like a useless pile of flesh, then get yourself on a schedule and see where you have free time and go take a scuba-diving class or become a competitive cup-stacker."

Andy: (Actually me paraphrasing, with a bit of over-exaggeration for effect)
"Well, I feel all depressed because blah, blah blah...and you never want to do anything when you're home except be lazy. I'm like, bored and everything..."

Me: "Are you on fucking crack? Do you know how to use a computer? Clearly, do, so use it for something useful, like looking up "things to do in SF" or movie times or something, and fucking plan something. I seriously don't know when I became your mother. And BTW...this is why I never want to have sex. I have to decide everything. Maybe if you took the initiative and grabbed me and slammed me up against a wall, I would feel like doing you, because you though of it on your own, and not with the direction of a self-help book."

Andy: "Well, I never know how much money we have, so I can't plan something without you knowing it. Blah, blah, excuse, excuse..."

Me, thinking to myself: "This is why I lay around and watch my DVR all weekend. It's effortless and not like talking to a wall. Why was it I got married again?"

I don't have the time and energy right now to really focus on my marriage.

It sounds horrible. But I don't. Now that I am the one who has to make the dough, and deal with a ridiculous commute, my bandwidth is severely stretched. So for the next year, I have to focus on my job. If he can't wait a year, than too bad. And the sad thing is...our marriage could be the exact same way a year from now. We are used to "freeze-drying" our relationship and putting it on hold, mostly for needs of the army.

I find it sadly interesting that while I can completely ignore my relationship, everyone I know is in the midst of some major life-change. Meanwhile, we sit around and watch more tv than anyone else I know. I dread weekends when we have something planned, but then when it comes, it's like I don't want to go back home because i've woken up for a little bit.

This would concern some people, but not me. I am actually more concerned about the state of my hair and the bad choice of dying it brown, and how I am going to fix this mess???

Why? Because right now is just one of those cycles of life when things change and life blows by you. It's very similar to when my boys were both toddlers and everything changed constantly and rapidly. It's simply too hard to try to keep up with the changes, and easier to just hold on and adjust when things settle. I am really emotionally spent after two years of chaos. I have no more expectations of my relationship. It simply will be what it will be. Andy has enough to deal with, trying to find himself again in the midst of deep depression and now, no career.

It's prime, early mid-life crisis territory, and it's his shit that he needs to focus on, and in the meantime, I am working like a mad-woman.

As for my diet...I did well until yesterday when I went to my "Nephew by BFF"'s birthday and inhaled 6 pieces of pizza like no tomorrow. But I can't digest real food, so I ended up getting sick last night, again making me wish I could just barf after every meal, but knowing that even as a bulimic, I am a failure.

But I'm down 15 lbs, which is past my goal of 10 for the month, and I still have almost two weeks. So, on to the next month of Nutrasystem. I know what sucks now, so I should have better eating, albeit repetitive meals.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

A Beginner's Guide to Coping with Relationship Issues

In every marriage, you come to points that just suck.

Either you have kids and then have no time for each other, you are buried in work, or something else comes along and makes you take stock in what has happened to your relationship.

And then you reevaluate.

Let's face it...whether its 4 years together or 20, you've both changed pretty dramatically. And sometimes, it's just not a good fit anymore.

When I dealt with my husbands "fuck up", which could really be any mistake, I tried endlessly to find books or websites to help me out and tell me what to do. I mean, either you know immediately that you are going to get out of the relationship, or you don't know. And if you don't know, then therapy is the only way to really have a shot at working it out, because you need a guide through this treacherous point in your life. One wrong move, and the relationship is over, similar to taking a wrong step on Mount Everest. And what does Mount Everest have?

A sherpa. You need a relationship sherpa.

A friend who has gone through a similar situation is great in a crisis. They can tell you the good, the bad and the Ugly. Things you need to be aware of.

But a therapist can help you identify and communicate with your partner. They can give you the tools to remain strong and supported, and how to make things better.

At some point in your journey, you'll know what you want to do. Stay or go. Or your partner will make up their mind for you. Either way, you'll come out of it ready to deal with life the way it has become. And you'll feel stronger in the end.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Holiday Glee is it's time to pay the price for Gluttonism

I know it's been awhile since I last blogged. The month of December brought big changes and a lot of work, since we moved my dad out here from PA to live with us permanently.

It was an arduous drive for him, as he was pulling a trailer behind his minivan with THE WRONG TIRES on it. Golf cart tires, to be exact, not meant to carry a tanning booth and Honda Goldwing. So he blew 4 tires in 5 days. Pretty awful, and a non-calculated expense.

Not what you want the month you have to pay for Christmas presents.

Then came the Dryer, which almost caught on fire while Andy was doing laundry.
Sayonara, $400.

The kids made out like bandits, actually getting everything on their Christmas lists to the point where they were stumped at what to use the $400 in gift cards they accumulated. I should've made them donate them to charity. I mean, seriously, if you can't think of anything you don't have, then I guess you have too much.

I think my goal for them this summer, is to volunteer somewhere. They are far too entitled. Some may argue that we overcompensated the fact that Andy was gone so much as they were growing up, but even that being said, my kids are well-rounded and thriving. But they need to see what life is like when you're not blessed with the luxuries they have.

I remember growing up, not with perfect parents, but parents I knew loved me and that I could count on to take me to Girl Scouts, club events, and build stage sets for the musicals I was in. They over-extended themselves in order to take us on pretty lavish vacations, a thing I didn't realize the cost of until I became independent, financially. We weren't rich. Solid middle-class, back then, but still dependent on each paycheck to keep up with what we wanted and what my parents wanted.

What a shock it was, being 19 with a baby, and newly married on a Private First Class's income, since I was at home with our son. Daycare would've greatly outweighed what I would've made as a retail clerk or restaurant server, my only jobs as a teenager. I will never forget looking at Andy's first W-2 statement the first time I filed our taxes. $14k in 1998.

I don't know how we got through those years, or the ones after. The pay increases were small, and insignificant until I started working full time. But with all the moves, and travel that I deemed necessary to visit my family, we still struggled, always living paycheck to paycheck. Even now we are in that situation, until I can get some time at this job under my belt and save.

My big splurge on myself? Nutrasystem.

I tried it about 7 years ago and was disgusted by the food, so I didn't stick with it. I decided to give it another go, since I have now gained enough weight that I was considering Gastric Bypass.

I've never been this fat, and barely any of my clothes fit. I can't and won't justify buying more, when I need to just buckle-down and lose the weight, so that I can fit in to my vast closet, already ranging in sizes from 12-20.

So I started a week ago tommorrow, and I am pleased to say that I am already down 5 lbs! I know that much of it is water weight lost, but it's 5 lbs, nonetheless.

The food is actually decent, and the hardest part is adjusting to the portion size while my stomach shrinks down. Usually a two week process. I've been counteracting by cutting out all drinks other than coffee with fat free half and half, and lots and lots of water.

I also had some Phentermine left over from a diet before, which is an appetite suppresant to get me over the hump, and have added Alli to maximize my weight loss.

I've done Alli before, and while it says keep your meals under 15 grams of fat, it's really more like 10-12 to stay in the "not shit yourself" safety zone. Thankfully, most meals on Nutrasystem are in this fat gram zone or below. If you eat what you are supposed to, Alli works like a charm. If you cheat, you will fart out what looks like oil.

And it smells awful.

They recommend one after each meal, up to three per day. But if three is still giving you issues after the two week adjustment time, cut it back to two a day and you should be fine.

I am lazy. I am too fat, and too busy to exercise right now, so the low caloric intake and Alli are going to have to work for me. When I hit a plateau, I think I will order the diabetic or vegetarian versions of Nutrasystem to give myself a kick.

But so far, it's working, and as long as I lose over 10 lbs per month, I will stick with it. My goal is to lose 100 lbs by September. But I take it 10 lbs at a time for short term goals.

I keep telling myself that I will succeed. And by jove, I think I will.