Thursday, February 21, 2013

The Sweet Life...

I've had a very tiring past few months. I keep wondering when things will slow down.

Have you ever noticed that nothing in life seems to match up perfectly?

You meet someone and like them, but they are in a relationship. Or vice versa.

You have money to travel, but no time.

You get all your work done, and then there is a major crisis that someone else has.

Sometimes, it feels like all work and no play. Or sometimes, you are too tired for play, and just want to lay around on a soft bed and watch mindless tv.

I watched Skyfall last weekend. I am not a huge fan of Daniel Craig playing 007. I prefer Pierce Brosnan. I know that I am in the minority, as Roger Moore and Sean Connery are usually top choices for the role. Don't get me wrong, I love Sean Connery, but I like older Sean Connery. When he was younger, his ears looked really big.

I am planning a trip to LA for a weekend in April. I just want to get away somewhere. And since I am down 25 lbs, and starting to fit back in to my clothes, I found some very hot dresses for the occasion. I asked my cousins to go. I've had it on my bucket list since they were like 10 and I was 20, that when they were old enough to drink, we'd go somewhere fun. I am very close to them. Now they're old enough, and I realized, I am soon going to be 34. I don't want to go out with them when I'm 40 and cougar-ish. Better take advantage of my semi-youth before it floats away like my 20s did.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

What do I do?

For the most part, I feel as though I am living life. Because I am not emotionally entangled with my husband. I love him. As a brother.

Ah...that poses a problem when you're married.

See, my heart is coated in more tombs than Napoleon. Sure, I've had my heart broken before. But it was different. This time, it knocked me unconcious for a year. That's a year I can't get and don't want back. I find myself terrified by the thought of ever becoming in love with anyone ever again.

I've lived by myself. Or, rather, by myself with kids. And I was fine. Except the normal desires, but not able to do anything about it, because I was married. SO I coped.

I was happy being alone.

I am not afraid of it.

I am much more terrified of being married. I don't want to share everything. I don't want to give away those inner emotions.

I can be a great BFF. I can make someone laugh. But I can't have sex with my husband.

I could probably have sex with someone that doesn't matter to me. Which, again, poses a problem when you're married.

I want to stay married to my husband for everything except the sex part, and that means I am not open to being in love.

WHat's worse, is I don't want to fix anything. I want to just do my own thing and ignore it.

But its not working.

Because at the end of the day, it's not fair to either one of us. But he refuses to see that. He just wants me. It's the first time in my life I just don't want to be loved by a man. I just want to be friends. Because its far too painful, and I feel like I've given up so much of myself for him, to save him, that there is just no energy or motivation left for us.

I don't really want to talk about it in marital counseling. But I said I would. To a point. The point where I need to stop because I am feeling that lack of control over my emotions.

There is no answering the question I just asked.

There is no "what do I do?"

No one can answer it except for the two of us.

We are "strange allies with warring hearts" as Dave Matthews so poetically wrote in "The Space Between". I just wish I could leave him waiting for me for when I am ready again. But emotional purgatory is worse than hell, yet we've both suffered through it for almost two years.

I guess I will ignore it for another day.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Epic failure...

I suck as a blogger lately.

I know. I own it. I've been too busy. I realized yesterday that I've only blogged like 4 times since New Years.


Its not that I am completely uninspired, rather that I am drained of all energy. Largely, it has gone in to work, due to my commute and scope of responsibility.

Also, I've started writing my book and have been trying this week to set aside time to go back and retell my story. It's very frustrating to write for 5 hours nonstop, and realize it amounted to 10 pages. It's going to be a battle for me to stick with it and commit to completing it. I lack discipline when it comes to writing an entire book. I'm at about 17k words, and by what I've researched, I need around 80k.

Okay, well that puts me at page 55, and where the hell is the other 200 pages going to come from???

This is why I never thought I would write a book. I like immediate gratification, and feel like I have enough in me to fill 8 books, but it's difficult to get it out in an outline, and then try to go back 15 years and fill in the story with greater detail.

But, I think I am on to something, so I need to let that motivation carry me.

I did enjoy watching "Vanderpump Rules" this week. I DVR'd the episodes and watched them, and it's so ridiculous to watch these idiots and over-inflated egos, as they work in a restaurant. You would think they are celebrities! It's like, "uh, you're a waitress, so get over yourself."

Most of my television watching is DVR'd so that I can catch up with things, because by the time I get home from work, I take my sleepy time pills and am out within an hour.

This week I also had an epic fail with the diet. I had three days of eating crap. So that's not exactly good either, and even though as of yesterday, I am back on the NutraSystem, I have yet to weigh myself since my collapse in to carb heaven.

I hate failing. Not that anyone likes it. But I think I expect too much from myself, and then am very hard on myself as a result. No one makes me feel worse about me than me. I've always said I am my own worst enemy.

Some things, I can let go and accept that it is what it is. But many other things, I completely over-analyze.

My mom asked me why I swear so much in my blog. As a person with a better than average vocabulary, I should find more profound words? I don't know. Sometimes there is no other word better than a good fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I could make it sound pretty, but if it requires a fuck, than its not best explained in a delicate manner. Words are words.

I went to a social media conference a week ago. You would not believe how many companies include a Social Media background check on you for jobs! How awful and intrusive. I think that should be illegal. If you are a performer on the job, are a solid employee and professional at work, than why on Earth do they have a right to dig in to your personal life?

I knew when I started blogging that this was a potential pitfall, but I also have come to the point in my life that if they are the type of company that really nitpicks this much, they are probably assholes to work for. I want them to want to hire me based on my career experience and abilities, not if I post a picture of myself at a party, holding up a glass of wine. For God's sake, even if I was hanging off a stripper pole, that has nothing to do with who I am at work! Doesn't mean I am an alcoholic. It means I have a life outside work, and the two don't interconnect. I doubt my clients are going to be googling me to find out who I am. That's what LinkedIn is for.

Violation of identity. It sends out the message, "we don't want you to have a personality, or influence." So if you want to work for that kind of company, it should send a message to you, the candidate, that they really don't give a crap about you.

For a person like me, I like to have a personality. I am in the business of "people". Which means you have a honed ability to intuitively and adaptably conform to situations and people. Or you should, anyway.

You want me, or you don't. At least when people show their weaknesses, you know what you are dealing with and can determine how to attack it. You have no idea about them when you know nothing about their personal life. I think that's a much riskier issue.

Either way, I think it's bullshit. And that's about that.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Random thoughts....

For as many decisions as I make in my life, I really hate it.

At work, I'm the boss, or "hoss" as I was recently called. I had to explain that "hoss" implies that I am a lumberjack-esque woman. Not exactly a smart move from an employee. lol.

And everyone who knows me, knows I run all the decision making at home. I am the brains of the operation and sick of it.

I actually told my husband that I am sick of answering to someone for everything. I've always had to answer to someone else. Never in my life has it just been me, left to my own devices.

Do you know how horrible that is???

I can't run away. I am too old for it to be cute, and adventurous and I have kids. (Thank goodness they are leaving soon.)

And I just got my hair done, and I looked really good last week. So good, a 27 year old hit on me. He looked 23, and made me wish I was still in college.

If I was left out, I think I would pounce.

Today is kind of sucking, because I need coffee, but I must have Ambien-eaten something last night, because I can not stop farting. Seriously. My boss keeps asking why I am hunching over in pain. I looked at him and finally just said, "I can't stop farting. And they're LOUD." It's awful.

He died laughing.

I am going to die farting. Or at least in intense gut pain. But with NutraSystem, you have to eat for like 7 days to build up a decent poop.

And right now, I am filling up with gas and in a small cubicle, surrounded by others whom I do not want to let one rip in front of.