Thursday, May 31, 2012

Everything is hatching! Springtime!

So, about 8 people I know, (really about 5), have had babies in the past two months.

I know, I've blogged about it before, all these 30-somethings having babies, and my uterus is just sitting here empty.

I am so not complaining about that.

In fact, I may put it on Ebay. Why the hell not? I have no use for it. If a surrogate can get $20k to carry one baby, I could probably fetch a cool $50k for mine.

The ad would read:

"One sexy bitch of a uterus for sale. Accessory tubing optional, as well as pain in the ass monthly period. Slightly used, but still highly effective. "

What else is hatching, you ask?


I had to have a pest control service come, since we live next to a field on one side. They have these mini-cockroaches outside here. I say mini because if you ever live down south, you would laugh at these pint-sized things. I told the Orkin man that they are a joke. But there is also earwigs here, which freak me the fuck out. I don't like the idea of any bug that implies they will crawl in your ear, lay eggs, and hatch 8000 babies in your skull.

I'm gagging at the thought.


I also have this little dog...Berkeley, my Choodle or Poohuahua. She is a mulch-magnet. It clings to her and then I have to go through the house picking it up. Other annoying habits include her having to sit on my head when I sleep, her nasty puppy breath, and being afraid to go outside alone.

I am hoping that she migrates to sleeping with Andy or the boys, as they like animals that cuddle all night. I however, do not like to cuddle with ANYTHING all night, except my body pillow. I can tolerate an animal laying on me for about 5 minutes, and then off it goes. I am also hoping that my two other dogs encourage her to go outside without me present. Maybe she will feel security in a pack. I am also thinking that we are going to have to declaw the crazy ass sadist cat we have, because she will beat the pulp out of this harmless little creature. And my curtains.

I've been house-ridden for the past two weeks. Mostly because I have to be on a tight budget til my family arrives. They leave NY next Friday. And then it's time to go do fun stuff.

I can hardly wait.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Turns out, I am pretty F-in amazing.

So, remember how I told you I had bought a plain white ottoman, and was going to decorate it with an India dot motif?

Well, I did it. Freehand. In one day.

My mad skills never cease to amaze me.

First I dyed it with fabric dye that I got from Michaels. And then I got a few little jewel stickers from the scrapbooking section, and bought a value pack of puffy paints, circa 1987 decorating t-shirts. But for this project, it worked!!

And here is my final result.

Eat your heart out, Pier One and HGTV.

Monday, May 21, 2012

On the floor...again.

When you have two separate mornings that you wake up on a half-inflated air mattress, chances are that you need to lay off the bacon.

Or, in my case, dried mangos.

Sometime in the middle of the night, I woke up with an aching back, and realized that a second air mattress had bitten the dust.

Luckily, it was timed well, since I just recieved and assembled my guest bed yesterday, so I groggily moved myself, the new dog, my body pillow and my sound machine to the guest room, where I slept in an actual bed for the first time since April 3rd.

But the damage was done and I wasn't acclimated with the location of the toilet on that side of the house, nor did it contain any toilet paper, since my kids aren't here yet, so I still had to trek to the master bathroom for my 8 night time pee sessions. So I didn't sleep very well.

So, going backwards, yes, I got a new dog. I am a sucker for animals, specifically dogs. I really have wanted a small pygmy goat for years now, but Andy has squelched that notion after seeing on "Tori and Dean" how much they leave little pebble shits all over the place. I was slightly bored this weekend, so against my better judgement, I went in to Petsmart, knowing full-well I would walk out with an animal if I found one I liked.

It's too hard to live with no pets when you've had them since you were 10. It's harder than living without children or a husband. I always miss my dogs more than my human family.

So, there was this little Chihuahua-Poodle mix, which, I don't even know how they mated, as I thought Poodles were pretty big, but anyway, it created this little, wiry-haired creature that is smaller than a cat. I guess she is either a "Poohuahua or a Choodle". But she is adorable, because she looks old with her grayish hair, even though she is 7 months old. They'd had her in the shelter for 3 months. So I agreed to foster her and adopt next month, when it is free.

And I promptly bought her an outfit.

Because I've never had a dog small enough to wear clothing, nor one that would allow me to do it.

She's a needy little thing. She insists I bring her food where I am sitting, because she doesn't want to wander around on her own much yet. And I have to go sit outside so she can pee.

Anyway, she will make a fine addition to our household of vagabonds.

And it turns out I am a professional Ikea assembler. I got everything put together on the first go, not having to walk away from it before I broke something. It became a game, and, (dare I say it), I actually enjoyed doing it!

I have this pure white ottoman that I got. It has a slipcover on it, but it's bigger than I thought. So after ingesting way too much HGTV again this weekend, I am going to try my hand at decorating it. I don't know what with. Do they still make t-shirt puffy paint? Maybe dyeing the fabric, and then creating an "India" inspired look using colors in my living room? You can tell I am bored when I start creating things, since I get really frustrated when they don't turn out the way I intended to.

We shall see how this endeavor plays out. And if it looks cool, I will post pics. If it doesn't, I will probably still post pics.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

California Love

As I write this, I sit in my backyard. Just one line of the ever-growing list of reasons why I love my life today.

How much has changed in a year.

Every day, a delivery comes with some new addition to my forever home.
It looks amazing. I want people to come visit so that they can tell me that I am a design genius. My desire to make new friends is fueled by this one purpose.

The only bane of my existence is the fact I have more furniture to assemble. But at least I know, when I swear, sweat, and throw screws and boxes everywhere in frustration, that on e it's done, it will all be worth it.

Everyone has a list of items they would love to add to their home. Mine has been steadily growing since I was 18 and newly engaged. My first set of furniture was a mixed bag of hand-me-downs from my mother in law and my parents. Our walls were so stark and bare that I bought posters to hang on them. I've only owned one house, and while I loved certain aspects of it, namely the kitchen and the pool, it was far from my dream house.

This is my dream house. Its not huge...only 2100 sq feet. But it's laid out beautifully, and we are leasing it, which means that in two to four years, it will be my name on the deed.

It's been an interesting journey, the past 15 years since I graduated high school.

An unexpected first child, and his battle with Aspergers.

Two long deployments to Iraq, as I managed to deal with two young boys, not knowing how to teach them to become men on my own.

Three moves in Georgia, three years in Alaska, and four years in New York. It was those last four that made me lose any hope for my dreams.

And then I lost everything that my life was. In a split second, one text message ripped my life apart and sliced clean through my heart. It drowned me in the continuous ocean of sorrow, despair, grief and confusion.

But it presented me with the opportunity to get rid of all the chains that were wrapped around me. All the things I couldn't say or acknowledge. All the lies. All that suffocated me.

And, on June 8th, my husband will be out of the army, and all three of my boys will join me in this wonderful life that I've created on the other side of the country.

I support us now.

It means so much to me to be able to know that I was the one who did everything the wrong way...and got the looks of disappointment from my family for getting knocked up and married, with two sons before I was legally allowed to take my first drink.

I, who lived on $14k a year with a family, having to donate plasma to have the luxury of going out to eat.

I, who in my first year of adulthood, managed to fuck it all up before I even had a chance to spread my wings and try to fly.

And now, I make more than my sisters, who, in my shadow, tried to do everything right. I don't think it was a conscious choice for them to try to stick it to me, but that's the way I made myself feel.

I watched as my best friends, one by one, moved west, leaving me behind. And I wondered what I had done.

And so I've lived my life wondering how to get back to that time, so I didn't have to watch my life pass me by.

But I caught up to it.

And I grabbed at my chance when it came, so fiercely determined that I will not let those 15 years be in vain.

I hung curtains this weekend, by myself. I enjoy my nightly happy hour, smiling at nothing and no one as I sit and look at what I've accomplished. I was scared, when I left. Scared of what I was leaving and if this would turn out to be another misstep.

Would it be what I dreamed, or like everything else, was it going to be a disappointment?

I'm so happy.

I know that I won't always be.

The most we can hope for in life is contentment.

There will always be a battle to fight. Always be good and bad, happiness and sadness.

But today I am enjoying my happiness, knowing I haven't felt this good in my entire life.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Millionaire bachelors, all waiting for you.

I keep getting the most ridiculous emails for dating sites. Today it was Millionaires. I took a look, as I wanted to see how attractive said bachelors were.

Turns out, not very, providing them with a justification to advertise themselves based on their income.
And it looked like most were scouring for sex.


In other news, I've just about eaten a whole bucket of cheese balls. I saw them and thought, "Hmmm. I haven't seen them in a while."

It was not a good idea.

I thought I could resist them. Who knew that it would be my go-to snack of choice, right after dried mangos. I have cleaned out about 30 bags in a week from Target. When you wear sweatpants 4 days a week, you don't have a realistic grasp on your weight loss/gain. Then you put on real grownup clothes, and accessorize with a cute, upper waisted belt, only to whip it off on the drive to the office because you think you may pass out from the restricted oxygen/blood flow.


Since I am not doing too well with this whole dieting thing right now, I have to seriously consider putting some of my funds in to a gym membership. But I know I won't use it, so I don't. I just have to wait until my motivation is strong enough to commit to losing weight.


I've been waiting all week for this damn wicker outdoor set to be delivered. So they finally come today, and not only is it NOT assembled, but when I tried to start putting it together, the screws don't match up with the openings!!!! Thus confirming that the two reasons we really need men are sex and furniture assembly. I would gladly put out FOR the furniture assembly. "So, IKEA delivery man, how about I slip you an extra $100 bucks and a BJ, and you throw this stuff together?"

That would generally be frowned upon.

However, if you are married, you can say, "If you put together all this stuff today, I'll give you a BJ." And they do it, and then you develop a sudden headache, and never have to follow through.

Somehow, the hope must be so great for married men, that they fall for this scheme over and over and over again. You would think they would catch on after the first year of it never happening. It's kind of like playing hide and go seek with a baby. The baby is surprised every time you uncover your face.

It's the best perk of being married.

I've bartered sexual favors for all kinds of things with my husband. A dinner at Applebee's. New shoes. This is why prostitution is the oldest profession. We are worse after we commit. That's when the real whoring begins. And its with no shame because we have a ring. It's our license.