Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Whore Rules…rule. (Don’t read unless you appreciate low moral value)

Maybe you were a little wild in your youth. Sowed some oats, and all that jazz.

I can come up with a bunch of ways to make it sound pretty, but let’s be honest…maybe you slept with a bunch of people you now wish you hadn’t. Or, maybe you WISH you slept with some people who you forgot to. I think everyone I know has a list of whom they slept with, or has TRIED to make one, but couldn’t remember all the names, OR…is in complete denial about how many people they did sleep with and now believe their own lies.

In either case, one of my best friends and I made a list of “Whore Rules” back when she was a single gal, and I was married with two kids and had to live vicariously through hearing her stories while I remembered the “old days” of my youth. Of course, we did this to justify our bad behavior. The point of the “Rules” was to find ways to eliminate guys from the list due to extenuating circumstances. (So we didn’t have a long list).You probably won’t appreciate this unless you were a little slutty yourself, or you have a non-judgemental sense of humor (which, if you read my blog, you probably do…)

I’ve decided to print some of the “Rules” to share them with the world.

THE RULES:

If the “event” happens on a holiday, it doesn’t count. (And yes, Arbor Day and Flag Day ARE holidays, as are birthdays and 4 day weekends!)

If you have more than one guy with the same first name, it only counts once. IE: Two Steves=One Steve

If you have some same-sex action and you are straight, it doesn’t count because you were “just going through a phase” or “broadening your horizons.”

If the guy has a handicap or impediment, it doesn’t count because it’s community service. Things that fall under “handicap” include lazy eye, halitosis, bad teeth/hair.

For every 3 years that you remain in a stable relationship, you can eliminate one name off the list.

If the event occurred in water, it doesn’t count because you KNOW you didn’t even feel it.

If YOU don’t remember it, it didn’t happen.

If it occurred in the State of West Virginia, Arkansas or Mississippi, it didn’t happen because what you did was probably illegal.

A threesome only counts as one person, because you get points for multi-tasking.

If you were in college at the time, it doesn't count because you were furthering your education.

If you slept with Shaquille O’Neal or other man of great stature who has a “manly bit” as long as your wrist to your elbow…it didn’t count as a number, but you should really consider getting a tattoo that states it. That’s like a damn trophy…you should frame it and put it above the fireplace!

16 comments:

  1. OMG! This has me rolling! You are ALWAYS good for a laugh. Love it… thank you for sharing!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hey Keri that is one unique list to put it mildly and I don't have any that I would want to take off my list but I do have some that I wish was on the list but isn't.
    Have a wonderful day.
    Odie

    ReplyDelete
  3. You're the one who should get a trophy.

    For writing, I mean.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I think that you should include a small penis as grounds for a handicap dismissal :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OMG - I just spit coffee at my laptop; luckily I missed.

      Delete
    2. omg thats just made my morning lol =D funny stuff =)

      Delete
  5. The small penis thing should totally be on there. And if it was so boring you started alphabatizing fruits and veggies in your head, you should get to take off two names. If the guy was boring and had a small member, that might count for three or four names coming off. Damn, I feel so much more virtuous already. Thanks for that!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Small penis is in a category all it's own. You can take that name off the last AND take one more for good measure. lol. It really does make you feel a lot better when you apply this stuff. lol.

    ReplyDelete
  7. LOL! Love the multitasking one!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Lol, this is hilarious!I love the ability to eliminate, that way, when you're an old married couple you will have reverted to Virgin status ;)

    ReplyDelete
  9. I AM DYING. Of laughter, of course. This is fantastic. I love the "3 year relationship" rule.

    ReplyDelete
  10. im dying of laughter... according to this me & my bestiie are back to being virgins

    ReplyDelete
  11. I would describe myself as a bit of a prude, and I can count my sexual encounters on one hand (including my spouse), but this made me laugh more than I have a in a long time.

    Fabulous list, I can think of many friends who'd love this.

    ReplyDelete