Tuesday, September 27, 2011

My hair smells like a summer breeze

I finally got my butt up and left the house for something other than therapy or food.

After a year of not having the time, I went and got my hair trimmed and highlighted. With all the stress the past five months, I had started to lose a lot of hair. Luckily, I have a ton of hair, but it was alarming anyway. I had gone to bed the night before with a wet head, so when I took my hair down at the spa, it unleashed a massive Afro. I was mildly disappointed there were no other customers in the room, because usually it illicits a gasp from someone.

Four hours later, I walked out the door with silky, smooth spun gold cascading down my shoulders. It inspired me to take a picture for my facebook page, where I gave my best thug look. When I got home, my kids asked what happened to me. It made me feel really great (ha) since I have been wearing sweats, had my hair in a ponytail, and worn no makeup for over a month now. I call it my depression gear.

Luckily, I am going to Vegas next weekend for a wedding, so I will have to spruce up since there will be other people around to see what I look like. I fear the day when all phone are video phones. I usually look my worst when I am on the phone, and hey, sometimes, I go to the bathroom while I am talking.

That could make for uncomfortable conversation.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Chapter 328: In which I dream I was a character in a Tyler Perry movie

I've been watching a lot of BET lately. I've also enjoyed the Tyler Perry movie selections available on pay per view.

Black families are hilarious, and far more entertaining than any family event I have ever attended. They are not afraid to whoop some sense into their kids, the neighborhoods are closer and look out for each other, and they seem like they back each other up.

I think I would enjoy church a lot more if I went to a southern baptist church, where everyone wore big hats and pastels, and they got up and danced to the gospel choir and the whole room was alive and on fire. That's real praise and worship. White people are way too afraid of themselves to be that free and uninhibited.

It's also acceptable to have curves in the world of Tyler Perry.
Have you seen Ali Lohan???? She looks like a skeleton. It's disgusting. I am a size 14 now, and I would be fine at this weight for the rest of my life. I am proportionate, curvy and sexy as hell.

I miss the warmth of the southern people and the close family atmosphere they have. It brings a piece of the south to me when I watch these movies, and makes me crave the soul feeding that the cold north is missing.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

How do you hit bottom without the benefit of a fall?

I'm thinking it's a bad sign when you think you have hit rock bottom, but you can't be completely sure.

Personally, I feel completely gyped out of an actual fall from grace. Usually it implies that you have a problem. But what happens when it's not you that has the problem? Other than my brief, single life in college, where I drank like a sailor, I've been pretty responsible. I've managed to keep any irresponsible wildness out of my life. I am completely dismayed that despite making good choices, I end up starting from scratch at 32.

I may end up having to move home and live with my parents again.

I may have to start drinking heavily in order to cope with that thought, which is why I question if I have hit bottom yet. I may have a lot more crap to face.

I don't know what I expect of my life anymore. It's almost a blank slate. At 18, that's an adventure. But with two kids and a marriage that is a work in progress, it's terrifying. It's not always your choice what happens in life. Sometimes life happens to you. You can make the right choices and still be hit with a bomb that blows it all to pieces. Then you are caught in a world where you just exist for awhile, not sure where to go next. You have to mourn the losses you have suffered and figure things out.

It's a lonely place, especially when you feel like somehow you let yourself down. It's being caught between two worlds...the life you had and the life you will have again.

But I guess just as things can always get worse, they CAN get better. But it takes time to let the wounds heal, and refrain from killing the next person that tells you to take it one day at a time. I actually bought a little wooden sign that says that, and after hearing everyone push this 12 step mantra on me, I find that I want to burn it and dance on the ashes....naked.

This is the worst possible thing to say. One day at a time.

No shit. I was actually hoping to go on a bender and then sleep away four straight days.

(I actually WAS hoping this would happen, but anyway)

Today, I am not ready to make any choices. Probably not tomorrow, or next week either. I'm not living for tomorrow, but living for what will come down the road. Sometimes that's all you can do.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Sixteen hundred channels, yet nothing to watch?

It seems like every time I turn on the tv, Dick Cheney is on, taking the battery out of his heart monitor.

Is it me, or does he look like Mr. Burns, from the Simpsons?

I'm surprised he is spending all this airtime on selling his book, rather than stumping for the republican candidates. Usually, there are a few republicans who look appealing to a more moderate independent like myself, but this election, they all look batshit crazy! Which is probably why Cheney is staying far away from it.

Most disgusting, is how what appear to be ardent Christian conservatives, are so judgmental and intolerant of anything different from themselves. I find it laughable that they barely are able to conceal their oppressive mentality, while shooting off guns for Jesus and cheering for the death penalty. How does any Christian cheer for the death penalty? You can site, "an eye for an eye" but it still goes against the true spirit of Christianity.

Another teenager killed himself today...this time in NY. Another casualty of bullying... It kills me that people want to throw anti-bullying laws out before they pass, by saying they are "pro-homosexual".

Are these people fucking nuts?

Having good morals as a display of your Christianity, should not include berating and abusing other children. It's really a mixed message from parents.

I am so fed up with all the crap on tv that I am ready to take a shovel to my flat screen.

Thank God that there are new shows premiering this week, or I think I would take a shovel to my flat screen.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Does the army really put their soldiers first, or do they leave a man down?

Recently, I've done a lot of research on PTSD and traumatic brain injury, as my husband is currently in treatment for both. Through this research, I've discovered several things that I believe need to be addressed.

Did you know that as many as 30% of Iraq and Afghanistan war vets return home and are charged with crimes that are a result of Undiagnosed mental health issues? It's such a problem, that even the VA has addressed the issue by putting legal liaisons in each VA hospital to help. Different states have established a veterans court, designed to take in to account these issues as they result in crimes, as simply throwing the vets in jail is often harmful to those who already suffer from combat trauma.

The problem is, that the army often chooses to administratively or chapter the soldier out for misconduct, often times resulting in a loss of access to VA benefit, and any claim to treatment. In otherwords, they turn their back on the soldier after years of service, even with no prior misconduct, and eliminate access to treatment, even if the soldier was diagnosed while still in the military.

I'm not saying that mental health issues necessarily negates responsibility of the soldier, but it's a case by case basis. They should at least have mitigating circumstances taken in to consideration when determining fault and rehabilitation options, and even if they are imprisoned, the VA still has the capability to treat these soldiers.

I'm just saying that it's not right for these soldiers who endure years of trauma, in wars that are unprecedented in duration, to be damaged, and then left on their own to spiral put of control. They deserve medical care, and the army needs to step up and show servicemembers that they, in fact, DO put the soldiers first, rather then discard them as garbage after they are used up and worn out.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Ultimate fajita dip= 1, Keri=0

Not working brings it's challenges...like avoiding eating a bunch of crap while I am home.

So far, it's not so easy.

I want to keep the fifty pounds I lost, off permanently, and maybe lose another 50. I've found that men don't appreciate heft in a woman, although if I were a man, I would certainly prefer snuggling up to something with a little squish to it.

I look at guys who body build, and am immediately disgusted by huge muscles. Don't get me wrong, I like tone and definition. But when I see a man with huge, veiny muscles, I find myself wanting to bite them. To see how long it would take to get them to say, "ouch!"

I also want to shower them, since they think coating themselves in baby oil makes them look tougher. I would imagine it as a weakness if they were to actually fight, being all greased up. If you are going to have muscles, you should be forced to cage fight, otherwise, it's really just a waste. We should also get to see their penises, because if you have a shriveled, steroid-shrunken penis, it makes any muscles null and void.

Anyway, yesterday, I made a delectable treat that I like to call "ultimate fajita dip", which consists of a bowl filled with one part guacamole, one container of sour cream, sauteed onions and peppers, and chicken cooked in taco seasoning. Then I scoop it up and eat it with multigrain tortilla chips.

It's just about the most happy moment of my life when I eat it.

Yes....happier than my wedding day AND the birth of my children, both put together. It's like what I would imagine heaven would consist of.

Then it's followed by guilt, shame, and self-loathing...similar to a one night stand, or so I'm told it should feel like. Funny that random sex shouldn't evoke those feelings in me, yet compulsive overeating does.

Monday, September 5, 2011

2012...is the end neigh?

I love end of the world scenarios. I can't help it. Even when I watch real life stuff on tv, I secretly want to see it as bad as it gets. Like I'm watching a movie.

Then I feel guilty because I know it's really real and it's hurting people. How desensitized does tv make us?!

I think the end of life as we know it is coming. It's really just a matter of time and how. I hope, like Steve Buscemi in Armageddon, that I have a good seat for the action. My only request is that I don't drown and I die quickly. I am resigned to the fact that I will most likely be a survivor and see everyone I know perish. Why? Because God likes to fuck with me, that's why.

I'm okay with that on a grand scale. I don't question my faith, mores just ask "really? You couldn't find someone else?" but I get it. If I were God, I would be curious to see how much one person can take before they collapse. It's like a scientific experiment.

But it sucks nonetheless.

I also know that there is a reason for everything. I don't believe things are just random. There are too many ironies for that to be the case. It comforts me when things go awry.