Sunday, October 30, 2011

I've decided.....some more...

...that Starbucks baristas are horribly condescending. No matter how I order it, they always rearrange what I call my beverage to make me feel inferior in my knowledge of coffee beverages. They know I need what they have, much like a crack dealer, so I have to suck it up for my over-priced fix.

...that when my children wanted to still trick or treat in middle school, I can use first choice in pilfering their candy in order to provide costumes.

...not working allows me to spend more time going through my kids text messages, and reading the dumb things they talk about. I am losing hope for their generation from a complete lack of proper grammar.

...that when viewing the state of our economy, socialism may not be a bad way to go for most of us who are not in the top 10% income bracket. I wonder what all the rich people's children will do when they can no longer utilize Planned Parenthood for birth control, since their conservative parents don't believe in it.

...that our obligations as human beings should come before political agendas.

...every dark cloud does have a silver lining. But sometimes the sun isn't shining through when it first appears.

...that microwaveable slippers are warm and toasty, but are damn hard to walk in.

...punching bags would be a more satisfying way to take out aggression if they said "ouch!" when you hit them.

...that you should never be afraid to be who you are.

...that Twilight wasn't a life-changing movie, but I did learn that everyone in the Pacific Northwest is really pale.

...if it weren't for appearances, everyone would live in elastic waisted pants. Why would you ever go back to being tethered in to jeans?

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Last night, I made poor choices.

Actually, they weren't too bad, but sometimes I miss making poor choices.

They are always the most fun.

I don't know if it was from the new heating blanket I just acquired, or what...but I passed out cold twice this morning. Like, let the dogs out and woke up on the floor, wondering how I had gotten there. Then I went in to the bathroom, and did the same thing!

Then I crawled until I got to bed, and went back to sleep.

I wasn't taking anymore chances. I've only fainted once before, and I was like, ten, and had just ripped open my finger at cheerleading practice. So it's definitely odd.

I feel like my post are blah lately, and I don't know what to say other than, it's because my life is boring as fuck. Or, not so much boring as "not amusing". Going to daily dr appointments is boring as fuck. Not a whole lotta laughs going on, ya know? Right now, other than that, I'm pretty much on call, waiting for my sister to text me and tell me that the baby is coming so that I can drive down to PA and make it in time for birth. I am so ready for her to get this kid out, because I can't take any more pictures of her swollen feet.

Seriously. Its like they are stretched to maximum capacity. I once weighed 255 lbs, and my feet never looked that fat. She is tiny. They are so terrifying, I show my kids as punishment for things. "Sit and stare and Aunt Laura's nasty feet and hands. That should teach you to interrupt math class."

I swear, I am running out of things to respond to his teacher with. After the first three times I've told her, "he will be dealt with accordingly" and then he keeps showing off in class, it loses it's threatening appeal. Today, I just gave up, and told her to send him to the principals office. I mean, dude, I'm grounding this child, which means I am stuck with him and therefore punished too, and I'm making him do extra chores and look at his Aunts water retention.

I'm sick of being grounded. The best thing about Halloween is that they will go trick or treat for a few hours and I can eat the two bags of Reeces Peanut Butter cups that I bought to "hand out to the kids."

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

What would've happened if I had changed one small thing?

With all the changes in my life, I've had a lot of strange dreams. I've also spent a ridiculous amount of time on Facebook, trying to locate a few people I used to know, and have always wondered what happened to them.

Like this guy my first year of college.

The minute I saw him, I was instantly attracted, and we got along like peas and carrots. We had a good chemistry magnets. The downside was that he was still dating his high school girlfriend. I thought that it would be a matter of time before he realized that we were a better fit, but before that happened, I joined the Army Reserves, and after a week with no sleep because I was pledging a sorority, I was sick as a dog, and I had a huge fight with my parents, and just never went back to school. It sounds ridiculous now, but my parents actually came to my dorm in the middle of the night because I hung up on them (they lived two hours away), and I was humiliated. The stress of the sorority, making my drill weekend, and being exhausted just made me break. I was also to the point where I felt like I wasn't really clicking with anyone like my high school friends, and I had gone a little wild while I was there. So I felt like people had the wrong picture.


When I left school, I also left behind the chance to stay in touch with the dude. Imagine my surprise, when I find out he is living the life I had planned for myself. Would he remember me? Does anyone ever think about me and wonder what I ended up doing?

I'm not saying I regret the life I've had, but I wish I could have a dream where I could just see what would've happened if I hadn't joined the army, which was the day I met my current husband. I just want to see what would've happened, because that one decision changed the course of events of my life. I want to see if I made the right choice, because right now, I'm left unsure. My sons are the only reason I can justify the last 14 years of my life, and I'm determined that the next 14 won't be me giving up what I want to accomplish for someone else.

Monday, October 24, 2011

You know it's bad when your kid asks why you dressed up when you put on jeans.

So, I haven't been working the past 3 months. Since it's unemployment by choice, I refer to it as a hiatus with possible retirement. Other than getting my sons on the school bus, or attending appointments with my husband, the day is mine to waste...often resulting in sleep or gabbing on the phone.

I'm pretty much a lazy ass. A poorly, yet comfortable lazy ass.

My hair is naturally curly, so when I have nowhere important to go, I wash it and put it up wet. When it dries, I have a mane to rival the Lion King. It's quite disturbing. And I look scary. Top it off with no makeup, yoga pants, and the zit that appeared on my chin, and you have yourself a hot mess.

I hadn't really thought about it much until this weekend when my sons friends spent the night and we were becoming Facebook friends. I thought it was cute they wanted to be my friend, until they saw my profile picture and said, "who is that?" (The picture was taken 3 weeks ago)

It was then that I realized how infrequently I look like I am prepared to take visitors lately. Well, that and when Gavin asked about the jeans. Anytime I leave the house and come back home, the first thing I do is take off my bra and put on comfy fast, you would think they were burning me! I guess I should make an effort a little more often.

On another note...

How long do you stay friends with someone on Facebook if they are no longer speaking to you? I don't know the etiquette for that. There was no fight or anything, just a complete lack of response to any phone calls, texts or IMs that I send. I pretty much take that to mean they aren't interested anymore.

I don't want to cut them off as a friend if they are going to miraculously respond one day, but it just pisses me off even more when I see them comment to everyone BUT me. I just don't feel like looking at it if I am not a part of their life anymore because it hurts. I don't know...any thoughts?

Monday, October 17, 2011

My inbox is full of empty promises...

I rarely get emails anymore, and when I do, most of them are junk.

In fact, my spam box gets more mail than my inbox, even with the unsolicited offers. Most of them, I ignore, but once in a while, they suck you in.

I keep getting offers for the Honeybaked Ham store, which we don't have within a three hour radius. (I know...I checked because I was willing to put some effort and mileage into the retrieval of one.) As a Lancaster County, PA girl, we are brought up with a certain expectation and attachment to HAM, that the rest of the country doesn't seem to have. Sure, you have your barbecues, and your bacon, buy do you REALLY cherish the HAM?

We also have such a thing called hamloaf. I don't want to think about how it's made, but it's delicious. Kind of like Spam, but better.

I also get coupons from Boston Market, another fine place I have no access to, as well as Red Robin. I can't deal with national marketing campaigns that lure in those lucky enough to live closeby, and torture us who have only a tremble in our tastebuds.

I hate upstate NY.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

A mouthful of Fiji

I have been sick for about 3 weeks now. It's a cough, but nothing else...most likely indicative of tuberculosis or pneumonia...but I keep on trucking without the dr. It's not that I'm opposed to it, but I am feeling really lazy and I have so many appointments as it is.

Then today, I wake up, unable to stop coughing. So now I sit on my bathroom floor, inhaling steam from my shower whilst blogging.

What else am I supposed to do?


I love scents that smell like the beach. Lime and coconut, cucumber melon...anything fresh and clean. I guess Andy picked up on this, at SOME point in the 14 years we've been together, and yesterday, came home with a new deodorant for himself, which he proceeded to shove excitedly under my nose. I hesitated, since usually when any of the three boys in my house look THAT excited about something and it is followed by "smell that", it doesn't end well for me.

But, lo and behold, Old Spice granted us with a new mens deodorant called "Fiji".

I must admit, it did take me away to the islands for a minute. Smelled really good. So later on last night, as Andy was rubbing his minty fresh Ben-Gay (old dude cream) on his knees, stinking up our room like a geriatric facility, I decided I needed a break from it, and stuck my nose in his armpit to see how could his new deodorant smelled on. Turns out, even better when it's ON a man!

But then I made my fatal mistake of gently biting the side of his chest affectionately, and was rewarded with a mouthful of Fiji, to which I promptly starting spitting and wiping my tongue off. Who puts deodorant that far down?!! I almost had to pour a can of tomato soup in my mouth to diffuse the taste, as if I was sprayed by a skunk!

Let's just say that the next step for beauty product manufacturers, is to crank out products that taste good if you mistakenly happen to lick them. Which, I never will again.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

If it's Tuesday, this must be Belgium.

So, I know, I've been a bad blogger lately, and your life wasn't the same without my witty commentary while you ate eating your second breakfast/pretending to be working.

I feel ya.

I had some recuperating to do (depressive sleeping & watching DVR'd LMN) but I think I am back now. In the meantime, I had some funny comments posted to my blog in response to my blog post, "Taylor Swift is a ho." Apparently, they were either super mega fans of hers who want to wear her skin as a dress, or it was Taylor's publicist. I'm pretty sure it wasn't Taylor herself, because I don't think she can spell half the words that were in there. Either way, I was firmly told that I am a mean and hateful person due to the fact I am an ARMY WIFE.

Yes, it was written in big, accusing letters like that. Because ARMY WIVES are notoriously known for our lack of class, candor, and general likability when it comes to Taylor Swift. In fact, when you marry a soldier of any kind, we are issued handbooks on how to make fun of calf-like celebrities who pretend to be innocent and formerly poor and geeky, when they were actually one of the "mean girls".

Am I mocking "anonymous" who left the scathing comment, so fueled by their ethical desire to stand up for dear old TS, yet not so passionately enough to mark their name to it? Yes. I am. Stop taking life so seriously, and take things for what they are...funny. If you had signed your name to the comment, I would've posted it.

In other news, I was in Las Vegas over the weekend for one of my bestest friends wedding. I was told by a friend after posting the pics on my facebook, that I resembled a thinner Adele. The sad fact is that Adele is probably thinner than me. But it was a compliment because I love her voice.

I had to get a spray tan for the wedding, due to the fact my pale vanilla complexion would've been offensive in the short, strapless dress I had to wear, and I would've had to go to a tanning bed every day for a year to achieve the next shade darker of foundation. Foolishly, I went for a medium color, all the while envisioning a caramel complected version of myself, complete with shiny, silky looking legs that tan people always seem to have.

What I ended up with, was a face that was 8 shades darker than the rest of my body. So dark, that in a dimly-lit room, all that was visable was my teeth and eyeballs. So dark, that my friends husband was unable to take a picture of me, because the face-finder on the camera couldn't locate my face. So dark, that it turned the sides of my chin ashy, sort of like a five-o-clock shadow that I could most comparatively liken it to "Deena" on the Jersey Shore.

(Here, I would like to note that I am making fun of Deena because I am an ARMY WIFE.)

The disgusting part of the spray tan, is that it has halfway worn off now, but even with body scrub, hasn't come completely off, so I just look dirty around my hands and feet. Like I have rolled around in topsoil. My face has lightened from Eddie Murphys brother to a more beachy George Hamilton. Which is 18 shades darker than my original skin color, and 12 shades darker than my chest.

Not that I hate spray tans. I hate all tans, because I can't achieve one that looks natural and glowy. And because I am an ARMY WIFE.