Friday, May 20, 2011

Sometimes you feel like a nut...sometimes you don't.

Yesterday was what I like to call an "off" day.

I started to question my sanity a little...because right now my inhibitions are quite low. No, I am not flashing my boobs out the car window or anything, nor did I apply to become an exotic dancer. I have just not cared a whole lot about following proper ettiquette and rules.

Today is much better. Partially, because I have big plans tonight. Dinner at Panera Bread (which largely hinges on carbs and cheese)followed by a snuggly movie watching experience with CANDY, to the drive in to watch the new Pirates of the Caribbean and Thor. Now, Thor doesn't really appeal to me. BUT...I saw an interview with the dude who plays him with his hair a respectable length, and he was pretty hot, so I think I can ignore the plot and the long hair and focus on what is important here...HIS ABS.

Now, Johnny Depp is a whole other story. I have never been attracted to Johnny Depp other than when he plays Jack Sparrow. Tell me why I am so attracted to a dirty, nasty, sexy, naughty pirate? I have no idea. But I am. The whole thing really "works" for me.

I love going to the drive in too. Makes me think about being a teenager and going on dates there. And movie theatres generally make me happy because they involve readily available food, that somehow, I don't mind paying exorbitant costs for.

I am pretty happy today. I feel slightly normal. Well, the normal that I am now. But I drank about 2 inches of that is a start. I changed my work schedule, and eliminated more stress. And it has now been one month since my "No Good, Very Bad Day." One month, and I have survived. One month to make me feel happy for even 5 minutes. But it's progress.

My birthday is next week. Wednesday. I really wish I could have a margarita and mexican food with friends. But I don't really have many people around that are knocking down my door right now. Most people I am friends with here from my various jobs, I don't really see. And my close friends and family can't make it out to see me right now. It kind of sucks, because the last person I want to be with on my birthday is my husband.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

In response to some of my comments...

Just want everyone to know that I am definitely the "real me" right now. A completed unadulterated me. Its freeing. It makes me feel good. I have nothing to lose. That puts me in a power position, and it IS empowering. I know so many women who feel lost and weak in this situation. I was afraid I would be like that too, but somehow, I have been the complete opposite. I lost a part of me, but I gained back part of the "me" that motherhood and marriage take away. I know you women understand what I am talking about. I have that back!!! That part is WONDERFUL. I am not afraid anymore. I am not afraid of the worst possible thing I can imagine happening to me because it happened and I survived. There is a strength in that that words cannot express or explain.

I SHOULD be a crying mess right now. But I am not. I laugh every day at something. Many things. I laugh at the irony of my situation. Because it's funny. And it IS ironic. And it's mindboggling and confusing.

Whether or not I stay married to him isn't my top priority right now. I have plenty of time to leave him. Right now is about learning about myself. Right now, I am being selfish. I definitely feel my anger (wrath is a more appropriate term) but I am not acting destructively with it because that would just NOT be good for anyone. lol.

What I do in the future has so little to do with him, and so much more do with me. Regardless of his actions, HE is still the same person. I have a lot more introspection to do to decide what I really want from my life. I have big choices to make. But I am not doing any of that now, because with time comes clarity. There are things that I don't see right now, and I know that. So I am preparing for any scenario and waiting until I can make the right choices.

My motivation for putting this out on the web for people I don't know is that I am a survival story. If I can do this, then so can you. And not just facing infidelity...but facing life. Because LIFE SUCKS SOMETIMES. PAIN IS PAIN. And we will ALL face situations in our life that we don't know how we will ever breathe again. But you can. And you will. I am. Find the worth in yourself to make the choices that are best for you and make you happy. Because you have something special to offer the world. Everyone does. And no world would be better without you in it because you are different in many ways than anyone else and you are going to do something that changes the course of SOMEONE's history. Maybe it's your children, maybe its something you have left to do. But your life is powerful and significant, even when you feel like you are small. Don't ever forget that.

A few thoughts....

Dreaming of a divorce is helpful to me right now. Namely because it's something to take the shakes out of my body and gives me something positive to think about. I can't feel like absolute crap 24/7. I mean, this stuff haunts me in my dreams. And I still need to keep in perspective that with or without my husband, I have a life to live. Right now, it's easier to think to the future to stay motivated to keep going because there is so much crap right now. I don't think divorce is easy, but its easier to leave than it is to stay.

I don't know if I want to stay married. If I can continue to wake up to THIS reality, day after day. I do realize that he will probably never do this again...because I know how much this is killing him inside. I just don't know if it matters. I love him, but I am not in love. He has to win me back. I am trying to keep my heart open to that, but there is more involved in this than us right now. It's not a simple matter of our relationship.

I tell him all my thoughts, no matter how brutal. If he is to understand it, he needs to know where I stand and the battles I have with myself. I guess I just don't know what I want anymore. Yes, I question my strength in keeping my wedding vows "For Better or For Worse", but I also feel like he nullified them by doing this. I don't feel married. I am just me right now.

The other day, someone posted a nasty comment on my blog. I deleted it. Let me be crystal clear in saying that anyone is encouraged to leave constructive thoughts, being in opposition to me or agreement, or to give helpful advice. Those comments I appreciate, and they are helpful. But to leave a comment that there is no other purpose than to shame or humiliate me is wrong and won't be tolerated. This blog is about MY life. My thoughts. My feelings. Not my husbands or anyone elses. So it leads me to believe it is someone I know personally, who wanted to just be an asshole.

Well guess what? You succeeded in being an asshole. But you failed to humiliate me, because it had nothing to do with ME. My husbands mistakes are just that...HIS MISTAKES. I have done nothing wrong, I was a good supportive wife and really, I had nothing to do with it. I didn't fail...he did. I really feel pity for you, that your life must be so miserable and sad, and you are so insecure that you have to bring down others to build yourself up. Too bad it's one more thing you SUCK at. The only kind of people who kick a person when they are down, is a weak person who can't fight fairly and who hides behind an "Anonymous" guise. So get a hobby that doesn't include me and move on, or "someone will drop a house on you too!"

Anywho...had to say something about that, because that's just me.

I have had really weird thoughts lately. I don't know if it's that I don't have random, weird thoughts on a normal basis, but I am more aware of them with all of this.

For example, I had a craving for a grilled hotdog last weekend, but no propane for my grill and no motivation to get dressed and GO GET propane. So I cooked my hotdogs over the burners on my gas stove. I think my family thought I lost my mind. It was pretty funny.

Last night, I asked my husband if he pees in the shower. It's one of those random things that no one ever talks about, but I have the feeling most people do.

My filter between my stream of consciousness and my mouth is broken lately. I find it facinating the complexity of my logic vs. my emotions from a scientific point of view. I know when I am being irrational, and can't explain why. The wide range of opposites that take place emotionally are astounding. For every positive feeling I have, there is also the opposite negative feeling. It's also very freeing to not care about the consequences of my thoughts and feelings, and to just express them all.

I am also enjoying the fact that if I stay married, he can never "one-up" me. HA! I am not saying I will use this in future fights, but I probably will use the guilt. I am just being honest. This is one of the reasons I don't know if I could stay. But that's my issue to wrestle with. I even told him last night that he could never one up me, and it's almost reason enough TO stay! I am the type of person that will antagonize him, by pinching him or try to inflict a minor amount of pain because it amuses me. But the great part about this, is that he feels too guilty to do it back to me now. And I am not a big enough person to NOT take advantage of that. LOL. It's the small things that make me smile.

Monday, May 16, 2011

I am too stubborn to let my stomach reject Olive Garden!

My body has been shaky. I had been eating pretty bland foods in the hopes they would be less likely to "vacate the premises."

But this weekend, I ate so many breadsticks from Olive Garden, and prepared with Imodium, managed to do okay.

I know you love when I talk shit...right?

Anyway, I find myself wondering what the rest of my life will be now. It took me 14 years to adjust my goals/dreams to include/revolve around my husband. Now I consider an alternate life. Would I date again? Most definitely. Would I marry again? Not unless I was shot with some magic love arrow or for unless he was really rich and it was for show. I really need to find a closeted gay guy who needs a beard. Like Anderson Cooper. Yum.

Where would I go? What would my life be? I find comfort in actually makes me feel better to think of life on my own terms and away from hurt. It doesn't scare me AT ALL. It actually scares me to think of being stuck in this purgatory that I am in for the rest of my life. I want to lay around and ask "Why?" But I keep that pretty much out of my head because it's not productive. I grieve. I cry when my body wants to purge. I get angry (but don't express it other than to acknowledge it. I am not opening the floodgates because it won't be pretty.)

I also grow a little cold. I start to lose the vulnerable feelings. Am I forcing myself to?'s just who I am. I find myself wanting to change my FB status to single. I wish I could erase the indentations left on my ring finger from 12 years with a ring on. Its foreign, yet familiar. I could have a new life. I could erase this. It could be a memory, not a reality. I'm not down on love. I still believe, although, its different.

But now my love doesn't have a face or a name.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Now I know why celebrities check in the hospital for exhaustion...

I am fucken TIRED.

Like, so tired I can barely move. I am looking so forward to Saturday so that I don't have to go to work, it's not even funny. I am normally a night person, who rarely goes to bed before 11-12 at night. Lately, I can't even make it past 10.

On an plus note, I ate a cheeseburger yesterday. It tasted good, and then kind of went downhill from there, BUT THE POINT is that I WANTED a cheeseburger. Me not wanting cheeseburgers is a sure sign of a catastrophic incident that is unprecedented.

What I really want is coffee...but that is a "no-no". My brain keeps telling my body "mind over matter", like it's in control, and my body keeps giving my brain the finger and saying "The Price is Wrong, Bitch."

I have enjoyment from several things...peace and quiet, hot showers, evil plotting, sleeping, certain shows on tv. But even tv and movies don't let me fully escape. Every damn show I turn on has something to do with infidelity. I just never noticed it before.

It's just another day. Tomorrow, I've survived 3 weeks since the "bomb" was dropped. Thats 3 weeks longer than I thought I was going to survive at the time.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

I'm no robot...

Anytime I ever imagined what I would do if my husband was unfaithful, I said I would leave him.

That hasn't been ruled out.

But you're right...I am a fighter and I like to make informed decisions.

After the initial carnage ensued, I was left wondering, "How the heck can I ever touch this man again?" I didn't even want to look at him. A friend of mine who is a therapist told me that in half the couples she treats for infidelity, half of them have sex immediately so that it doesn't become a stumbling block that they can't get over. For the remainding half, it becomes another issues that grows bigger and is harder to deal with over time.

The first night we were together after the news, I let him lay with me in bed. So that I could get used to him in my space. And because I needed comfort. I needed to mourn my old marriage. And what got me through that night, was the knowledge that he was probably laying there with one eye open, terrified that I would kill him in his sleep. And that thought made ME smile through my tears.

The second night, I let him kiss me. After 14 years together, it still took hours to get close enough for that. And from there it steamrolled rather quickly. I had to stop a few times to banish thoughts from my head, but it was a chance to release many feelings. It's easier to deal with your emotions in a physical way that is non-destructive. I can still hate him and sleep with him. I have rage. I have hurt and vulnerability and the need to feel protected. I have the need to be possessive and "mark my territory," so to speak. I need closeness to remind me of what I have. And, I have physical needs too. I mean, a release is a release.

I felt guilty the first few times...why was I doing that? Why was I inappropriately in the mood? Should I withhold sex to punish him? But I realized all the reasons why I was doing it, and I think identifying those feelings and not trying to be in denial about the "whys" is the important part. Withholding sex helps no one in this situation. Plus there are plenty of ways I am punishing him. I am not wearing my wedding rings. That's driving him bonkers.

Why am I telling you all this? Because some of you are going through something similar, or worse, some of you have yet to go through this. I thought I was safe too. I thought I would never get divorced or my husband would NEVER be unfaithful. I am sorry for anyone who feels pain like this...and I can't do anything to protect you from your life, like no one could protect me. But what I can do is share my insight while it's fresh, so that you don't feel alone.

I will keep blogging as I have something to discuss...but my blog won't be continuously about this topic. As with the "Army Wife" title, this doesn't define me, won't be my life's work, etc... I can't bear to write a "woe is me" blog. I can't even read them because they are depressing and boring, and who the hell wants to read that for entertainment??? So bear with me for a little, and I will make it interesting.

Thanks for your love, support and objectivity. I was kind of shocked by the fact no one just said to leave his ass. I like being shocked in a good way.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

No, I am still alive...

Not long after my last post, I had a pretty traumatizing event happen in my life. The same day, to be honest. My "wonderful and glamorous" life kind of melted away. A "form" of infidelity occurred in my marriage, which was the most important thing in my world.

I have struggled what to do with my blog. I don't know if I will remain an Army wife right now. Due to the nature of my relationship, I am giving it a go to try to see if it can be repaired. I had a pretty great marriage before this, and while it would be much easier for me to leave, I want to test this further and see what happens in the short term. Besides, leaving someone takes careful planning, and I don't do anything without a game plan. I like to be prepared like a fucken boyscout.

Military life is difficult. I have spent the past 12+ years waiting patiently for my husband to come home and just be with me. As the years progress, and they are gone more often, its easiest to turn a switch and shut yourself off emotionally to be able to cope. When they come home, the switch doesn't flip so easily. You don't tell each other that you want to fall apart when you aren't together, because you don't want to worry each other. Don't do this. Tell each other that you need them.

I can tell you that I get up every day, I do my hair, put on makeup and kick some ass. I also somehow do this without inflicting (much) bodily harm to my husband. I have resisted the urge to stab him in the crotch, although to be honest, I have had that urge before. ;) I have slapped his arm repeatedly after it fell asleep and got all "pins and needles". He is a good man who is an idiot. I don't know how that makes me feel, to realize I married an idiot. It's kind of a blow to my ego. I always knew I was smarter, based solely on the amount of times I am right. ha.

I felt like I wanted to die at first. Pain fucken hurts. I've dropped over 22 lbs in the past month. Short of wiring my jaw shut, not eating has never really been an option for me. But my body wouldn't cooperate this time. But I am looking pretty smokin....which is a pro if I end up single again.

The pain is still always there. But now I have a great excuse for Zoloft and Xanax, so it's keeping the anxiety surpressed. The rest I am thinking through logically, dealing with my emotions in small bouts as I am able to, and doing a lot of talking. So much talking, it even hurts MY head.

I don't blame myself. First, he was the idiot, not me. Secondly, I am a fucken catch. I'm smart as hell, funny as fuck, and pretty easy on the eyes. I have a great job (which I am keeping since we are NOT moving to CA) and am completely self-sufficient. I have no self-esteem issues.

I don't blame some flaw in the marriage. We have a strong relationship, in spite of this. Sometimes there is no real reason than not thinking things through. I've done stupid things for no real reason before...things I didn't even WANT to do. I am keeping that in perspective.

I am one tough bitch. I hold the reigns on my life. I am not weak, rather I am stronger than ever.

Hear ME roar.