Dreaming of a divorce is helpful to me right now. Namely because it's something to take the shakes out of my body and gives me something positive to think about. I can't feel like absolute crap 24/7. I mean, this stuff haunts me in my dreams. And I still need to keep in perspective that with or without my husband, I have a life to live. Right now, it's easier to think to the future to stay motivated to keep going because there is so much crap right now. I don't think divorce is easy, but its easier to leave than it is to stay.
I don't know if I want to stay married. If I can continue to wake up to THIS reality, day after day. I do realize that he will probably never do this again...because I know how much this is killing him inside. I just don't know if it matters. I love him, but I am not in love. He has to win me back. I am trying to keep my heart open to that, but there is more involved in this than us right now. It's not a simple matter of our relationship.
I tell him all my thoughts, no matter how brutal. If he is to understand it, he needs to know where I stand and the battles I have with myself. I guess I just don't know what I want anymore. Yes, I question my strength in keeping my wedding vows "For Better or For Worse", but I also feel like he nullified them by doing this. I don't feel married. I am just me right now.
The other day, someone posted a nasty comment on my blog. I deleted it. Let me be crystal clear in saying that anyone is encouraged to leave constructive thoughts, being in opposition to me or agreement, or to give helpful advice. Those comments I appreciate, and they are helpful. But to leave a comment that there is no other purpose than to shame or humiliate me is wrong and won't be tolerated. This blog is about MY life. My thoughts. My feelings. Not my husbands or anyone elses. So it leads me to believe it is someone I know personally, who wanted to just be an asshole.
Well guess what? You succeeded in being an asshole. But you failed to humiliate me, because it had nothing to do with ME. My husbands mistakes are just that...HIS MISTAKES. I have done nothing wrong, I was a good supportive wife and really, I had nothing to do with it. I didn't fail...he did. I really feel pity for you, that your life must be so miserable and sad, and you are so insecure that you have to bring down others to build yourself up. Too bad it's one more thing you SUCK at. The only kind of people who kick a person when they are down, is a weak person who can't fight fairly and who hides behind an "Anonymous" guise. So get a hobby that doesn't include me and move on, or "someone will drop a house on you too!"
Anywho...had to say something about that, because that's just me.
I have had really weird thoughts lately. I don't know if it's that I don't have random, weird thoughts on a normal basis, but I am more aware of them with all of this.
For example, I had a craving for a grilled hotdog last weekend, but no propane for my grill and no motivation to get dressed and GO GET propane. So I cooked my hotdogs over the burners on my gas stove. I think my family thought I lost my mind. It was pretty funny.
Last night, I asked my husband if he pees in the shower. It's one of those random things that no one ever talks about, but I have the feeling most people do.
My filter between my stream of consciousness and my mouth is broken lately. I find it facinating the complexity of my logic vs. my emotions from a scientific point of view. I know when I am being irrational, and can't explain why. The wide range of opposites that take place emotionally are astounding. For every positive feeling I have, there is also the opposite negative feeling. It's also very freeing to not care about the consequences of my thoughts and feelings, and to just express them all.
I am also enjoying the fact that if I stay married, he can never "one-up" me. HA! I am not saying I will use this in future fights, but I probably will use the guilt. I am just being honest. This is one of the reasons I don't know if I could stay. But that's my issue to wrestle with. I even told him last night that he could never one up me, and it's almost reason enough TO stay! I am the type of person that will antagonize him, by pinching him or try to inflict a minor amount of pain because it amuses me. But the great part about this, is that he feels too guilty to do it back to me now. And I am not a big enough person to NOT take advantage of that. LOL. It's the small things that make me smile.