Not long after my last post, I had a pretty traumatizing event happen in my life. The same day, to be honest. My "wonderful and glamorous" life kind of melted away. A "form" of infidelity occurred in my marriage, which was the most important thing in my world.
I have struggled what to do with my blog. I don't know if I will remain an Army wife right now. Due to the nature of my relationship, I am giving it a go to try to see if it can be repaired. I had a pretty great marriage before this, and while it would be much easier for me to leave, I want to test this further and see what happens in the short term. Besides, leaving someone takes careful planning, and I don't do anything without a game plan. I like to be prepared like a fucken boyscout.
Military life is difficult. I have spent the past 12+ years waiting patiently for my husband to come home and just be with me. As the years progress, and they are gone more often, its easiest to turn a switch and shut yourself off emotionally to be able to cope. When they come home, the switch doesn't flip so easily. You don't tell each other that you want to fall apart when you aren't together, because you don't want to worry each other. Don't do this. Tell each other that you need them.
I can tell you that I get up every day, I do my hair, put on makeup and kick some ass. I also somehow do this without inflicting (much) bodily harm to my husband. I have resisted the urge to stab him in the crotch, although to be honest, I have had that urge before. ;) I have slapped his arm repeatedly after it fell asleep and got all "pins and needles". He is a good man who is an idiot. I don't know how that makes me feel, to realize I married an idiot. It's kind of a blow to my ego. I always knew I was smarter, based solely on the amount of times I am right. ha.
I felt like I wanted to die at first. Pain fucken hurts. I've dropped over 22 lbs in the past month. Short of wiring my jaw shut, not eating has never really been an option for me. But my body wouldn't cooperate this time. But I am looking pretty smokin....which is a pro if I end up single again.
The pain is still always there. But now I have a great excuse for Zoloft and Xanax, so it's keeping the anxiety surpressed. The rest I am thinking through logically, dealing with my emotions in small bouts as I am able to, and doing a lot of talking. So much talking, it even hurts MY head.
I don't blame myself. First, he was the idiot, not me. Secondly, I am a fucken catch. I'm smart as hell, funny as fuck, and pretty easy on the eyes. I have a great job (which I am keeping since we are NOT moving to CA) and am completely self-sufficient. I have no self-esteem issues.
I don't blame some flaw in the marriage. We have a strong relationship, in spite of this. Sometimes there is no real reason than not thinking things through. I've done stupid things for no real reason before...things I didn't even WANT to do. I am keeping that in perspective.
I am one tough bitch. I hold the reigns on my life. I am not weak, rather I am stronger than ever.
Hear ME roar.
Keri,
ReplyDeleteI am really sorry you are going through this. I am sending positive thoughts your way.
Ouch, I know that feeling and it blows. I lost a lot of weight and felt sick at the sight of him, but then he had no desire to make it work. This post makes me love you so much because you're so badass but you're in a pretty vulnerable position. I hope your heart heals quick and you're able to make it work, but you said it yourself. You're smart, pretty, funny as hell and independent so if the marriage goes South, you won't.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are going through hell. I know a lot of military spouses and I can't even fathom what you guys put yourselves through in support of your men. The fact you want to try to work things out is a testament to your strength. I wish I had even a small amount of that to deal with the break up I am dealing with. XOXO
ReplyDeleteGood luck. Keep your blog no matter though. Lots of hugs and positive thoughts.
ReplyDeleteAwww, sucks is not even the right word- but it does. It is hard to keep a military marriage together but if it is what you want I hope it works out for you. I will keep you in my prayers that you don't stab him in the crotch because if you stay with him you will one day need that part of his anatomy again ;0)Try & stay positive if you can XOXO big hugs!
ReplyDeleteMotherfuckingfuck. I wish I weren't racing out the door or i would reply AT FUCKING LENGTH. So i will when I get back. but damn, you are strong and smart and funny and all those things. and the best part is -- you know it. I'll write more when I get back, but know that you have been missed by those of us who know a good thing when we have it! much love xo
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear this. I'm new to your blog, and even though I don't know you or your story well, I want to send you well wishes and commend you for wanting to work on what you have. It shows a great deal of strength. No matter what, the military spouse/girlfriend community is here to give you strength if you ever need it.
ReplyDeleteYep, he's an idiot and you're an extremely strong woman. Hats off to you for being able to think this through before acting. Whatever your decision, I hope you keep the blog! I would miss you if you went away.
ReplyDeleteJill @ JunkyVagabond
Being brilliantly clever and funny as fuck can get you through hell, as can Xanax and Zoloft. I haven't been reading for super long but you are badass and fabulous. Suck up your guts, stay strong and keep blogging. I can also add here that giving up on a relationship even though there has been idiocy is sometimes premature (No, I am NOT offering any advice only a hard learned personal insight)after the anger there can be forgiveness, it takes time. Anyhoo, peace be with you, keep your chin up and stay true to your beautiful self.
ReplyDeleteHey sis! I am so glad to see you are posting again... I knew that your friends missed you, and I missed your witty posts myself! :) You have a huge support system for whatever you decide to do! I also commend you for being such a good presence in your boys lives! They need you now more than before because it's going to be a long road ahead! Whatever you decide - we love you!
ReplyDeleteDear Keri. You rock and you are all levels of awesomeness. I was wondering what happened to you but assumed you were busy with the move. I'm sorry about what happened and am praying for you and your family!
ReplyDeleteElizabeth
I grew up a navy brat, then married a Marine. So I understand completely the military life. One thing I want to ask is he about to be deployed soon? Because one thing I do know, is that a lot of arguments and fights happen before deployments. Not on purpose, but its easier to say bye to someone if you are angry at them.
ReplyDeleteBut, if you are just damn sick and tired of being married to an idiot (which I think most men are lol) you will feel absolutely nothing about him when you look at him. That includes anger. You will acknowledge that he is father of your kids (if yall have any.) and that he played an important part in your life for a certain amount of time. But all feelings are gone. It will be looking at a stranger. Well, anyway thats how I knew when I left my first husband. And I had no regrets.
You rock. Do what feels best for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteOkay, so I'm back, and I thought of you frequently while I was away from my computer. All men are idiots. Sorry to generalize, guys, but... Well, okay -- MOST men are idiots. Or just have trouble with these urges. That's first off. Not that it excuses their behavior, but they are frequently weaker than we are, and that's usually what this is a symptom of. Sometime it has zero do to with love or lack thereof. Second, long-distance relationships are ridiculously hard/almost impossible. The fact that you have hung in there all these years is amazing. That BOTH of you have hung in there.
ReplyDeletePeople in the armed forces deserve spouses, but then again, the spouses of those in the armed forces rarely get what they deserve -- which is to be close to the one they love and have them there often. It is a life of sacrifice most of us could not fathom nor succeed at.
The best thing here is that you realize how not responsible for this you are. The bigger question is what this guy brings to your life and if you can get past it. Does he add anything to your life? Does he enhance it? Obviously he did at one point, but if all he does is drag you down, then obviously you have to make a decision.
Doing things "for the kids" is important; but a miserable mom, or miserable parents, isn't always that great for the kids. Trust me -- my parents were miserable when I was a kid. They stayed together, though I often prayed they'd split up. But neither was strong enough, and both thought they were doing the right thing by my sister and me.
Yet to this day now, my sis and I still listen to them bicker and I often think that if they'd split up when they were younger, they both might've found someone else who could make them happier.
None of us really "NEEDS" a man. Sure, a good one is a great asset to our lives. And love, when it's working, can be a miracle.
But now it's time for you to figure out your future. To look at this guy and decide is this a chance to make your marriage stronger by coming through this rough time, or is time for you to seize an opportunity to start a new chapter and see the uncertainty as a liberating adventure?
Sorry to go all Dr. Phil/Dr. Drew/Oprah on you, but my husband and I have had rocky times as well, and I have often contemplated what a future would look like if we weren't married.
But one thing I am sure of is that you will survive and flourish -- regardless of which path you choose, and I know you'll choose the right one. It might take some time to decide what that path is, but you'll figure it out. Whatever you decide, you have a TON of support out here and people who think you're awesome and deserve to be happy.
If you change your blog, we will follow you wherever you go and whatever name you call yourself by. But don't stop blogging. I know how much it has helped me through a rough time, and i know it will continue to help you. (Plus, on a selfish note, I really can't imagine not having your blog to read. You're just that good.)
We're all here for you...
so sorry to hear about this!
ReplyDeleteKeri, I also am very sorry you are having to deal with this. You have given me great times reading your blog and I hope you will be around for a long time. Stay tough girl, you are a survivor and "hot" too. Take good care of yourself and know we are here for you.
ReplyDeleteOdie
It's times like these that make a tough girl stronger. It may be easier to walk away...but why would you want to go the easy route? It sure doesn't sound like you!
ReplyDeleteIn time you will know exactly what to do.
<3
I would say I'm sorry, Keri, but I don't think you want us to be sorry for you. I do think you can persevere. Cause you're kinda a badass and I'd miss ya. The easy route is for people who do things the easy way and you're sure not her. Whatever you do, don't disapear.
ReplyDeleteYou're in my prayers.
You. are.awesome. END OF STORY ;)
ReplyDeleteHoly Crap! I am SO Sorry you are going through this. You sound very strong. Keep it up and don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it.
ReplyDeleteAY AY AY, I've been absent and now catching up. I'm sorry!! I'm glad you know it's not you and all that jazz, but I feel so bad I'm JUST reading about all of this... fuck! Hang in there you bad ass bitch and if you need anything FB, blog, or YELL!! damn husbands... you're one strong female though, I gotta give it to you!! (not playing victim, which is the role most ppl take, so I must commend you on that too!!) sending love!!!!
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