My body has been shaky. I had been eating pretty bland foods in the hopes they would be less likely to "vacate the premises."
But this weekend, I ate so many breadsticks from Olive Garden, and prepared with Imodium, managed to do okay.
I know you love when I talk shit...right?
Anyway, I find myself wondering what the rest of my life will be now. It took me 14 years to adjust my goals/dreams to include/revolve around my husband. Now I consider an alternate life. Would I date again? Most definitely. Would I marry again? Not unless I was shot with some magic love arrow or for unless he was really rich and it was for show. I really need to find a closeted gay guy who needs a beard. Like Anderson Cooper. Yum.
Where would I go? What would my life be? I find comfort in this...it actually makes me feel better to think of life on my own terms and away from hurt. It doesn't scare me AT ALL. It actually scares me to think of being stuck in this purgatory that I am in for the rest of my life. I want to lay around and ask "Why?" But I keep that pretty much out of my head because it's not productive. I grieve. I cry when my body wants to purge. I get angry (but don't express it other than to acknowledge it. I am not opening the floodgates because it won't be pretty.)
I also grow a little cold. I start to lose the vulnerable feelings. Am I forcing myself to? No...it's just who I am. I find myself wanting to change my FB status to single. I wish I could erase the indentations left on my ring finger from 12 years with a ring on. Its foreign, yet familiar. I could have a new life. I could erase this. It could be a memory, not a reality. I'm not down on love. I still believe, although, its different.
But now my love doesn't have a face or a name.
Hang in there Chica! May time help heal your heart and then your stomach too! :)
ReplyDeleteI find myself thinking I should be your friend on facebook so I could write you encouraging things. Then I realize I have nothing all that encouraging to say. This sucks. I'm glad you're still writing.
ReplyDeletePlease stay focused about who you are my friend and never forget how special you are and don't let this mess get to you too bad because you will come out of this better and stronger.
ReplyDeleteWow! Remember going through this five chidren later, fifteen years ago. One day, you don't want to throw away your marriage but the reality is, they've already thown it out for you. Maybe he still loves you and you him. Hopefully, divorce sucks!!!! Believe me.
ReplyDeleteBe careful of dreaming of another life if you don't want it to happen in reality. I'm not saying you should stay or go, but dwelling on a different reality takes you away from dealing with the reality you are living.
ReplyDeleteThe ring indentation it hangs around for a cruel length of time. It taunts. My suggestion go out and get a really cool ring you love to cover it! One that looks nothing like a wedding band! I hope your doing ok, I know its rough.
ReplyDeleteYou are in mourning. Mourning for what should have been. Mourning for a life that was planned and killed. You dont have to make a decision right now. You will come to a decision when its right. Hugs
ReplyDeleteYou definitely need time to heal. Time to figure out the next steps. Baby ones if necessary. stay strong, my friend!
ReplyDeletesweet....I so understand all these feelings you are going through, because even though I lost my husband through death, you personally have lost your husband. It is like death, we have to go through this grieving process in order to move on with our lives. I love you and know I am here for you. Amber
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