Anytime I ever imagined what I would do if my husband was unfaithful, I said I would leave him.
That hasn't been ruled out.
But you're right...I am a fighter and I like to make informed decisions.
After the initial carnage ensued, I was left wondering, "How the heck can I ever touch this man again?" I didn't even want to look at him. A friend of mine who is a therapist told me that in half the couples she treats for infidelity, half of them have sex immediately so that it doesn't become a stumbling block that they can't get over. For the remainding half, it becomes another issues that grows bigger and is harder to deal with over time.
The first night we were together after the news, I let him lay with me in bed. So that I could get used to him in my space. And because I needed comfort. I needed to mourn my old marriage. And what got me through that night, was the knowledge that he was probably laying there with one eye open, terrified that I would kill him in his sleep. And that thought made ME smile through my tears.
The second night, I let him kiss me. After 14 years together, it still took hours to get close enough for that. And from there it steamrolled rather quickly. I had to stop a few times to banish thoughts from my head, but it was a chance to release many feelings. It's easier to deal with your emotions in a physical way that is non-destructive. I can still hate him and sleep with him. I have rage. I have hurt and vulnerability and the need to feel protected. I have the need to be possessive and "mark my territory," so to speak. I need closeness to remind me of what I have. And, I have physical needs too. I mean, a release is a release.
I felt guilty the first few times...why was I doing that? Why was I inappropriately in the mood? Should I withhold sex to punish him? But I realized all the reasons why I was doing it, and I think identifying those feelings and not trying to be in denial about the "whys" is the important part. Withholding sex helps no one in this situation. Plus there are plenty of ways I am punishing him. I am not wearing my wedding rings. That's driving him bonkers.
Why am I telling you all this? Because some of you are going through something similar, or worse, some of you have yet to go through this. I thought I was safe too. I thought I would never get divorced or my husband would NEVER be unfaithful. I am sorry for anyone who feels pain like this...and I can't do anything to protect you from your life, like no one could protect me. But what I can do is share my insight while it's fresh, so that you don't feel alone.
I will keep blogging as I have something to discuss...but my blog won't be continuously about this topic. As with the "Army Wife" title, this doesn't define me, won't be my life's work, etc... I can't bear to write a "woe is me" blog. I can't even read them because they are depressing and boring, and who the hell wants to read that for entertainment??? So bear with me for a little, and I will make it interesting.
Thanks for your love, support and objectivity. I was kind of shocked by the fact no one just said to leave his ass. I like being shocked in a good way.