Tuesday, February 28, 2012

A leg? Really?

I've been up since 8am this morning, and I've spent the better part of that time contemplating how Angelina Jolie's leg gets more press than a school shooting?

And it's a chicken leg, at that. Give that girl a cheeseburger...or at least some hummus...something with protein.

Are legs the new cleavage? If they are, Hollywood had better start eating some Paula Deen, because legs, cleavage and rear ends are supposed to be shapely...with some meat on those bones.


I got my hair done today. It smells really good, but it SHOULD, for the amount of different products they put on my hair. Maybe it's me, but I use a rotated mixture of Suave Clarifying Shampoo to erase buildup, and Herbal Essence Moisturizing Shampoo and Conditioner, NOTHING after that, and my hair still looks the same when I do it, as when the hairstylist does it.

So how did I get duped in to buying a $30 hair mask?

I don't know. The girl told me my ends were dry. I felt pressured. Next thing I knew, my card was being swiped for $160.

No good comes when I get out of bed early. I just end up spending money that I had not intended to.

Yesterday, I watched about six DVR'd episodes of Real Housewives of some place, and today, I am having a hard time watching logical television. It's like it rots your mind. I noticed that the Housewives (that are not really housewives, rather all employed in some capacity) in Orange County all have the same hair. What's up with that? I bet they all have extensions. The only way to prove it is if they get in a catfight and pull them out, which, unfortunately, only seems to happen on Mobwives.

This is the point in the blogpost that I should make some kind of statement about how poorly they depict women, by fighting amongst themselves about petty issues, but really...that's the only reason I watch it. If you take away the drama, it's really just irritating that these chicks married the rich guys, and the awesome gals like myself marry the average joe.

Life just isn't fair.

And I think my arms are the same size as Angelina's thighs.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

My biggest dream...

Since I was a little girl, I always knew that one day, I would be famous.

Obviously, I am not a celebrity, but I feel famous, having my blog...and having people read what I have to say.

The one thing that I always dreamed of doing was walking the red carpet at the Academy Awards. One day, I still think I will make this happen, even if I have to pay someone to take me as their date. I have a book in the works, and when it's time, I think would be a stirring inspiration for a movie. I would try to get Julie Bowen, from "Modern Family" to play me. I think she captures my essence.

I love watching the awards shows, especially when lesser-known actors and actresses win, and get emotional, knowing that they are in the biggest moment of their lives. You only get a few moments in life that you can stop and bask in for a moment, and just feel the lights shine on you.

For me, my moment hasn't come yet. But I've had mini-moments, and obviously feel great pride that I have taken a step towards gaining an audience with the popularity and feedback from my blog. It's not easy to put your life online for the world to see. It's not as bad when you don't know your readers, but when people read the bad parts of your life and know you, it opens you up for gossip and judgement.

I'm at a major crossroads in my life right now. I have many large decisions that will be decided in the next 3 months, and will change the future of my life. Of course, this stresses me out to an almost paralyzing point, but I keep reminding myself that the universe, God, whatever you want to call it, will lay a path for me to follow. I just have to be patient and quiet, so that I can hear the whisper of what to do when it comes.

I also have to have surgery.

My uterus is trying to escape my body, thanks to having kids. This results in me peeing myself slightly, everytime I cough, sneeze or laugh with a full bladder. It's really unbecoming for a 32 year old woman. So I either get a "snow fence" installed, to hold it back up in place, or they have to take it out completely...an idea I am uncomfortable with. I don't need any premature launches in to menopause early. I had my last child 12 years ago, but I keep putting it off because I could be in the hospital for a few days. If a med student looked in my vagina, they would be perplexed, because I am relatively sure that nothing in there is where it's supposed to be.

But now I envision me trying to poop, and out slides my uterus...sitting in the toilet,and I would end up being ambulanced to the hospital, with no doubt, a hot EMT having to carry my uterus, as it hangs out of my va-jay-jay.

I know that this is the way it would play out, so I better stop putting it off.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Groundhogs Day...(the movie, not the day)

Do you ever feel like your engine has stalled? Engine being your life?

I feel like I wake up in the same rut every day. New challenges, and to those I say, "Bring it. I ate my Wheaties...and my leftover pizza, a few skittles and a half gallon of chocolate milk." Overkill, maybe.

I feel like I am on the verge of something big...and I know I am. But I just have to wait for it. Waiting to get away from the Army. It's taking FOREVER. Sometimes I think I will never get out of here. Because I hate it, and all that it represents.

But I am having second thoughts about where to go next.

I am supposed to go home. It's where the heart is, right?

Heartburn, is more like it. And way too much drama.

I like being several hundred (thousand) miles away from our families.

I mean, the fact that my brother in law is still alive is due, in part, to the fact I'm never close by enough to kill him. I am just keeping that part vague, although if you know me personally, you will probably be able to make an educated guess as to which brother in law. Normally, I don't post much about my family, in order to avoid them getting irritated at what I say, but right now, I don't really care.

I like my parents right now. Because they aren't around to nag me about every choice I make, and tell me how it's wrong. Because I miss them. When I don't miss them, then they have the uncanny ability to aggrevate me.

I do NOT want to go home. It's too high maintenance to deal with fussy people, and my family are fussy people. Nothing is ever uncomplicated, and everything has to be pre-arranged and according to plan, and I don't live that way. I waited from the time I was 10 to get out of there. I like living my life away from the microscope of people who judge.

On the flip side, I am a little nervous to get out of the army. We don't even know what our income will be until he's been out for about two months, so you can not really create a decent budget. And there is so many loose ends to tie up, I am afraid we will miss something important.

From what we are told, we are 3-6 months from being out. I thought we were more like 3, but evidently not. We are kind of stalled. It keeps getting changed, and that's why I feel like we are not really moving. That they are going to come and say, "Guess what??? You are stuck here FOREVER."

In order to pass the time, my friends say I should do some kind of class or something. I am thinking about taking up interests that have a high rate of death. I really like shopping, but that doesn't really work with my future plans. Or ability to pay bills.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Are you fucking kidding me???

Consider this my "strongly worded" letter to the American government...

I was drying my hair today, and had the news on in the background, and I almost threw my brush at the television in anger, when I heard that this "House oversight committee" that is reviewing this birth control issue is comprised of TEN MEN!!!!!





Do men take birth control pills? NO!

And our government is supposed to represent US...THE AMERICAN PEOPLE???
It's all white old men making decisions for the rest of us.

I'm here to tell you that YOU DO NOT REPRESENT ME, and don't you DARE make choices and policies on women's issues without any woman involved!

Wake the fuck up people, and start making a fuss. NOW.
I just got off the phone with my local congressman's office, and I am calling AND emailing every fucken political hack in the state of NY to let them know that this does not represent the women of New York, the Northeast, The United States of America, or any woman on the planet!

I suggest you do the same. I "strongly" suggest you do the same.

I also suggest you start educating yourself on what is going on in this "free" country and start running for office.

This is NOT the country I want my children growing up in, and this is NOT the country that my husband went to war to defend.

It is disgraceful, and I've had enough.

Monday, February 13, 2012

I hate Valentine's Day

I always have. I refuse to do anything cutesy to acknowledge it, mostly out of spite. To me, it has been, and will always been my dad's birthday. And that's all.

Out of 32 years, I have only had one good Valentine's Day. I was 15, and it was my first boyfriend. We had a romantic dinner and gave each other silly gifts.

And after this, the romance in me died.

Anytime a guy would do or say anything ridiculously romantic to me, it just seemed way too scripted and cheesy. I am completely unromantic, in the traditional sense. It's part of my dark side. I hate flowers. I think they are trite and unimaginative.

The thing is that I see romance in the gestures that are often times, not meant to be.

So I can't deal with all these sappy movies this week. Today it was Titanic...a movie I have managed to avoid for the last 13 years, since it first came out. The year I got married. And so, "My heart will go on" was my wedding song. I wanted to change the channel, but my son was watching it, and wouldn't let me.

Yeah, blech, huh? I know. It's horrible.

So my 13th wedding anniversary is in 6 days, and that combined with Valentine's Day movie madness is literally driving me mad.

The truth is, these movies only make me feel how not in love I am. It hurts my heart to listen to a song I danced to on my wedding day, with all these hopes and dreams of what my life would be, only to now feel the sting of what it has become. It makes me cry. And I hate crying. .

I've spent most of the other Valentine's Days by myself...whether I was married or not. My husband was always gone, and I grew to resent all the other happy couples who could actually do things together, while mine was in the field, or deployed somewhere.

Do I think these stories are real? Yes...because there is always a painful part in every good love story.

I just have to keep reminding myself that my story isn't over, and the good part will rebound in the end.

Friday, February 10, 2012

The Gospel According to Keri...(take notes.)

A few random topics I would like to address:

1. Stop babying your children. I say this in response to people who re-posted the video clip on Facebook of the father who took a gun and shot up his bratty teenager's laptop because she posted a nasty message about her parents online, and said he was being "harsh". We are looking at a generation who are going to be still living off their parents until they are 30. My kids get a lot of things that I didn't have, but they are going to earn rewards, and if they mouth off and don't deserve special things or liberties, they won't get them. I don't believe in every kid winning awards in sports or competitive events to bolster their self-esteem, over the age of 5. STOP REWARDING MEDIOCRITY. And if another parent or teacher tells you that your child did something disrespectful or inappropriate, then YOU should then deal with your child appropriately so that they know they will not get away with talking to ANY ADULT in that manner. I know my kids can be assholes, so if another adult tells me that they caught mine acting out, I am going to believe them instead of deluding myself that everyone else is the problem, and my kids are golden. Teenagers are going to test their boundries, but you are a parent, not their BFF, so act like it. My kids stopped liking me two years ago, and probably won't like me again until they have kids of their own. But they are going to ACT like they like me if they know what's good for them, or they are going to be pretty miserable for the next 6 years, while I am supporting them.

2. Just when you think nothing can get creepier than toe socks, then they make Skele-toe shoes. If you want to increase your odds of getting laid, then these shoes should come with a disclaimer that wearing them will completely ruin any chance you have of that. They look like webbed feet, which subconciously triggers some sort of malfunction in the brain that makes your sexual urges shut down to avoid reproducing with someone with a genetic anomaly. I am all about comfort, but not at the price of looking like this. I thought Crocs were the worst looking shoes ever made, and now the industry has taken it to a whole new level.

3. Stop making everything that happens in government a political issue. If you have a penis, shut your damn mouth about your opinion of whether birth control should be included in medical insurance plans...the bottom line is that women are smarter than you, and eventually one will be President, and then take away coverage of your Viagra. You will all be punished by making it too expensive to afford, you will become permanently impotent, and eventually we will just replace you completely with artificial insemination, making the world a nicer place, free of war, anorexic models and diet foods. Because let's face it...if there were no men, we wouldn't give two craps if we had an extra ten pounds to lose, and every meal would finish with a delectable baked good. Even second breakfast.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Next stop...Armageddon

I'm a tall gal.

I also have some muscle (and fat), but my point is that my mouth won't write a check that my butt can't cash. If I pick a fight, I am prepared to fight it on my own.

I have no respect for gang-bang attacks, coerced by a puny guy who happens to have a BFF with big muscles.

And that's why I think it's a big mistake for Israel to truly consider attacking Iran.

I support Israel as a state...let me be clear.

But the fact is that if they start some shit, they don't have the firepower to carry this alone. They know that the US will get involved to protect it's "little brother." And I have to say, I am tired of war. It's been ten years since this directly affected my life on a daily basis. Our soldiers are tired of war.

What do we know?

We know that some of these countries are banded together, like the Bloods and the Crips. Iran and North Korea...these are countries that we don't need to encourage firing the first shot. With so much instability in the Middle East, and so much change happening, I think we need to give them more time to work things out logically, and without more innocent people dying.

Yes, there is threat of nuclear warfare from Iran. And I think we need to stop the manufacturing of nuclear weapons there...but I also think that EVERY country needs to get rid of their nuclear weapons. Because who is going to win if it comes to that?


Once the first one is fired off, you might as well cross your chest, light some incense and prepare to meet your maker, because they will keep going until there is nothing left on this planet, other than cockroaches.

It's one thing to get involved to help people who want a more democratic government and free society, IF the people in that country want it. I would gladly fight for any human being who wants to live freely, and not under tyranny. But they need to take the steps themselves to get it going.

Libya and Egypt have been amazing. These people finally wanted change, and even if we had to aid them in some way, they fought for themselves. Syria is not far behind.

But we don't need World War III, and that is what will happen if we jump the gun and get in the middle of a knife fight right now. This is not the way, and it's not the time.

Our main concern should be how to get our country up and running again, before everyone in the world realize that we are at our weakest point in history, and decide to have a go at us. We are having a non-violent civil war at home.

As a nation, we have no sense of responsibility for our own. We only care about ourselves and how things affect us. There is nothing holding us together, yet everything that we are going through individually binds us. If only we would see that.

Honestly, it makes me want to pack up my family and move to another country. A country where things are simple, and life is about family, not "stuff". A country where my kids can still get an education, and use it for good to help out their fellow man. A country where we can eat fresh, natural foods, go to the doctor if we need it without worrying about going bankrupt, and stop and smell the roses and enjoy looking at the stars.

Yet, part of me wants to stay and fight for the US. Because it is my home, my birthplace. Because we COULD do SO MUCH good...IF we figure it out before it's too late.

It makes me want to vomit that politicians are throwing away MILLIONS OF DOLLARS trying to get elected, much as watching some of these "Real Housewives" who spent a million dollars on a necklace that holds a lollipop. It seriously turns my stomach. It makes me feel dirty, to then look around my own home...a duplex on a military base. With brand new appliances, two cars loaded with amenities like heated seats, and all the crap I have sitting here. I want to purge my life of this stuff, because it is like crack. It just makes you want more.

Have you ever gone to a 3rd world country? I have. And it changed me.

I went on a cruise with my husband a few years ago, and we stopped in Belize. We went on a ziplining tour that took us away from the hustle and bustle of the port area, and past the normal living conditions of the people who lived there. They lived in shacks. Your storage shed looks more habitable than anything I saw. It made me unable to enjoy being on vacation, because it made me feel like my priorities are completely out of place in this world, and in my life.

And to realize that the majority of people on the planet live in conditions like that or worse. For them to experience one day in our lives, would be the equivalent of us going to Disney World. A magical experience.

Yet we are unaffected. It's not our problem, right? Because we live in the US of A, and we are superior? No, because we were fucking lucky enough to be born here. We suffer from apathy. And it is more dangerous than anything else.

We took my kids on a trip to St Lucia last year. My sons saw the poverty that covered the majority of the island, once you got away from the tourist resorts. And my then 12 year old sat there on the beach, and preached to the peddler who was helping them make beaded necklaces, how he was going to come back when he is a grown up, so that he could help the people in that country, since they were so poor. I almost had a heart attack, not wanting the man to be offended by my child's words, but he stopped me, and said, "No mon, the boy speaks the truth. Let him talk about it."

And then I realized I was embarrassed, not because of my son making note of the poverty, but at myself, because I wanted to not acknowledge it.

I know my post has gotten off track, but I have had a rough year. Things have happened in my life that would cause most people to roll over and die. But the one thing that has gotten me through it, is knowing that no matter what has happened to me, it can still be worse. And it has slapped me in the face and woken me up to what is important in life.

We have gotten off-track as a nation. We have gotten lazy and uncaring of others. It's all about me.

And with that attitude, it will only leave us further to fall when the bottom drops out, because then we will see how unimportant we are, and how no one cares about us.

Friday, February 3, 2012

"Things about to get CRAZY up in herre!"

I can't take it anymore.

I've tried, laws' knows, I tried to hold back my comments to a minimum about politics, as to not lose readership of my blog, since so many military folk are republican...

But alas, much like the great flood of Johnstown, the dam has broken.

I want to be clear...I don't care what party you affiliate yourself with,
IF you can defend your reasons why you support it.

I've already said, I think political parties are stupid, because they are divisive and not all encompassing. Both Republicans and Democrats are extremists, so no one wins, because neither are willing to compromise. If you have any relationship that does not involve compromise and communication, then the relationship is doomed to fail.

So why don't all of these dumb Americans see that?

Yes, that's right. I said "DUMB AMERICANS".

First, I will address the Dumb Americans that are in the republican party. Not ALL republicans...just the radical ones.

Most families are barely getting by with todays economy. How many of you actually have 6 months of savings to cover your bills? How many of you have lost your house to foreclosure or are so far under in equity that you are screwed? I think most Republicans identify with that party because of what it USED to stand for...back in the Reagan days. Strong defense, moderate-conservatives. I agree with a strong defense. But you keep arguing that Obama is cutting defense spending, yet he hasn't. He is cutting down the size of our Army because we don't need that large of an army anymore. We are building 11 new Navy ships every year. We have the largest Navy in the world already. The pay raises the military got under the Bush administration was an average of 3.6%...that amounted to $50 a paycheck for most of us.

Big fucken whoop.

That doesn't even pay the $60 a month I have to fork out for my kids school lunches, so it really doesn't make a difference to me that it has only been 1% during the Obama administration. Many republicans identify with the party because they feel it is a more "Moral" party, or as they see, Christianity=Moral, and any other religion=immoral. You only want to defend the rights of your religion, rather than protect the rights of ALL religions. And you use your religion to attack the rights of women. Our country was founded on the premise of "freedom of religion", and personal freedoms to live our lives the way we see fit. If you believe in Pro-life, then don't get an abortion. But unless you are willing to go adopt all the unwanted children that would result from banning abortions, then shut the fuck up. You don't have to think it's "morally right" for other people to live the way they want to.

To many of you, African-American=Poor. Irresponsible=Poor. You cheer for people who don't have proper healthcare to die, rather than be treated. What you idiots don't know, is that even if you DO have healthcare, if you became seriously ill, your policies wouldn't even be able to cover your expenses. You champion candidates who are seriously out of touch with the average American. They don't represent your best interests. They represent getting a position to make back-door deals with large corporations and to line their own pockets, while the rest of you sit there stroking your guns, because that's what is most important to you. You just DON'T want to lose those guns. Well, guess what? The second amendment to bear arms was included so that our government couldn't rule the people...and low and behold, your government has done that.

It's out of control, you ignorant assholes. I just paid $15 for 8 rolls of toilet paper to wipe my rear-end with. $15!!!!!!!!!!! That is a sure sign of a failing country. That means, if I made minimum wage, I would have to work for 2 hours to pay for my toilet paper. And the people who make minimum wage, are the people who have the most laborous, difficult jobs.

Take your head out of your asses and pick up a newspaper. Read FACTS about the candidates. Facts are not a running commentary by half the people on tv or on the internet. Facts are not the forwarded email you got from a friend or coworker, claiming that Obama is a Muslim. Who cares if he is? Christianity is not a pre-requisite for being American.

As for this bullshit tax issue...the average american income is $26k. If you are only making $26k, you are not paying income taxes. You are getting it all back in that tax return check you get every year. Most people DO get money back. And if you do have to pay taxes, it goes to pave the roads you drive on and fill potholes. It goes to provide free education for your children. It goes to maintain National Monuments and Cemetaries. It goes to run this country.

AND, IT GOES TO PAY THESE BLOWHARD POLITICIANS THAT MAKE MORE MONEY FROM THE INTEREST MADE ON THEIR INVESTMENTS THAN YOUR HOUSE IS WORTH IN ONE YEAR. The problem is that they don't want to pay anything that would benefit anyone other than themselves. Because at the end of the day, they are taken care of and can go to bed at night, while you sit up and try to figure out how to pay all your bills and feed your children.

Now....You "Occupy Wall Street" morons:

Look, I get it...you want to rebel and be the leftist extremists. Yet many of you are elitists as well. You in Oakland, paid for catered food for protestors, yet wouldn't let homeless people eat the food? You hold your rallies in the spaces that farmers markets are held, preventing the small businesses and farmers to make their living? You need to reel it in, and organize this mess, because you are trying to make points, yet harming your own platform.

AND STOP GETTING NAKED. It's NOT 1960, and you are not hippies. This is why people don't take you seriously. Go back to the drawing board and organize.

Now, to the rest of the people who I haven't addressed in my rant:

Most Americans are moderate. Most of them just want to be able to provide for their family and have a chance to thrive. You have morals, but you believe in brotherhood. You want people to not be poor, you want to help others. You want a functioning government, and every time we hold elections, you shake your head and try to decide which candidate is the less of two evils, because no one represents what you fully believe. So, what do we do?

We need real leaders. The President is a front man. The "Beyonce" to Destinys Child. He doesn't have the power to make or break this country. That responsibility falls on the Congress...the legislative branch of this country. Who, has done pretty much nothing to help us out, and save jobs, and stop letting China buy us on credit. China pretty much owns our country. The world is falling apart, people. This is why so many people believe in the 2012 prophesis. Because we all see how bad it is, and how much worse it is getting.

Every world power has fallen through history. It looks like we are on our way down. Our freedoms are so limited now...this is not the land of opportunity unless you win the lottery, or catch a break. This is not what I want my children to inherit. Aside from the flying cars, this is the scary scenario on "Back to the Future II"...where everyone is horrible, microwaves everything, has big screen tv's and fake boobs.

So what do we do? Keep playing possum, and vote for the same old?

Not vote at all, because we feel we are powerless?

Get inspired, do your homework, and vote for the right candidates. Vote for the new blood...the ones who have that look of "change" in their eyes. Who still believe in the democratic system. Vote for the person who hasn't yet been bought by corporations and lobbyists, and if he gets uppity...then replace him in the next election.

I am just sick of seeing people follow these idiots blindly, like sheep.
Think for yourself. Educate yourself. Don't be naive enough to only get your news from Fox, if you are republican, nor MSNBC if you are a democrat. Watch both. See what they say, and then search out the FACTS.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

You know you've been married awhile when you can make a list of your spouse's annoying habits.

It's really cute when you see newly married couples, even if they've lived together for a few years, and they say the honeymoon stage is over.

What they don't realize is that they are still in the honeymoon stage...not that they haven't fought, or can't see each other's faults.

They still think there is time to change them and are willing to expend energy trying to get them to.

With the amount of stress I have, it's hard to imagine having to "try" in a new relationship. My friend and I were discussing how much our kids would get away with if we were dating, rather than in relationships over a decade. Dating is a distraction because you haven't "locked" them in yet. You still care about the image you present to your partner.

I find that I have such little patience for irritating habits...like waking up to find there is no cream for my coffee because dear husband decided to drink a pot that morning, and couldn't leave me enough for one cup.

Or falling asleep in public with his mouth hanging wide open.

And then they wonder why we aren't "in the mood" more often.

Not that I am perfect...I am a royal bitch until I am fully awake, and if you wake me up, I will say really mean stuff because I am so pissy.

I would cut someone.

I also change socks three times a day, and never put away my clean laundry. It just gets stacked.

I think that every few years, you should renew your vows and also make a pro/con list of why you are married, so that you have a chance to remember the positive aspects your spouse brings to your life.

I write this as I pretend not to know my husband, who has fallen asleep in the waiting room at the Dr's office WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN!

Seriously...he is gurgling, and if he lets go of the drool that is no doubt building up in his cheek, I am going to move seats. I took a picture and put it on FB. Lol.

I'm such a dick sometimes.