Monday, February 13, 2012

I hate Valentine's Day

I always have. I refuse to do anything cutesy to acknowledge it, mostly out of spite. To me, it has been, and will always been my dad's birthday. And that's all.

Out of 32 years, I have only had one good Valentine's Day. I was 15, and it was my first boyfriend. We had a romantic dinner and gave each other silly gifts.

And after this, the romance in me died.

Anytime a guy would do or say anything ridiculously romantic to me, it just seemed way too scripted and cheesy. I am completely unromantic, in the traditional sense. It's part of my dark side. I hate flowers. I think they are trite and unimaginative.

The thing is that I see romance in the gestures that are often times, not meant to be.

So I can't deal with all these sappy movies this week. Today it was Titanic...a movie I have managed to avoid for the last 13 years, since it first came out. The year I got married. And so, "My heart will go on" was my wedding song. I wanted to change the channel, but my son was watching it, and wouldn't let me.

Yeah, blech, huh? I know. It's horrible.

So my 13th wedding anniversary is in 6 days, and that combined with Valentine's Day movie madness is literally driving me mad.

The truth is, these movies only make me feel how not in love I am. It hurts my heart to listen to a song I danced to on my wedding day, with all these hopes and dreams of what my life would be, only to now feel the sting of what it has become. It makes me cry. And I hate crying. .

I've spent most of the other Valentine's Days by myself...whether I was married or not. My husband was always gone, and I grew to resent all the other happy couples who could actually do things together, while mine was in the field, or deployed somewhere.

Do I think these stories are real? Yes...because there is always a painful part in every good love story.

I just have to keep reminding myself that my story isn't over, and the good part will rebound in the end.

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