Tuesday, August 28, 2012

My own little Cinnabon Hell

"Why," I ask myself, "does my house smell like a Cinnabon, that sell pork?"


Because Andy decided to make Spam with brown sugar glaze with eggs for dinner, and then put a wax tart that smells like cinnamon rolls in the tart warmer.

Why does that make me want to go on a murderous rampage?

Because I started my "Official" diet, aka Fast for a Month-plan today.

What is allowed on my diet for the first 3 days, you ask? Water, Iced tea with Sweet and Low, and Coffee with fat free creamer.

A food fast.

That's right. I am hardcore and have to shrink the stomach to reduce cravings, while flushing everything out of my body, and re-set my metabolic clock.

That is the kind of Cage-Fighter willpower I have. Once I get on a roll, and commit...I am a dieting ninja.

The challenge in sticking to my diet is going to be my alcohol consumption this weekend, as my inlaws are coming. And Canadian drink. ALOT. That is one of the "Pros" of my husband's family. They drink like fish. My family..it is a "Con". They need to drink MORE. And we're going to Napa, which is like the gates of heaven were flung wide open and Angels fly about refilling your glass.

My husband has been occupying himself with posting listings on CL to barter items we don't need or use. He thinks that due to the show Barter Kings, he can trade a bunch of tools and crap for a boat or hot tub or RV to work on for something to keep himself busy. Instead, we've gotten an XBox, a Generator and a bicycle.

The XBox was promptly taken to GameStop to cash in. The Generator, I am not sure he should trade, as it is the year that the world will end, or at the very least, a solar flare will knock out the grid, causing mass chaos and hysteria because of all the technology we depend on. And that, my friends, is God/Goddesses' lesson to all of us that we worship technology.

The bicycle, I look at daily.

Should I mount it?

Can I even ride a bike anymore? When is the last time I was actually ON one? Will my giant ass envelope the seat?

I keep telling myself that I WILL ride one day. I will use that for my requisite exercise that everyone tries to tell me that I need to do to lose weight. (Which is BULLSHIT)

It's bullshit because I've lost weight a million times NOT EXERCISING. And then everyone wants to say, "Well, it's not healthy to lose weight by starving yourself."
And I say, "Well, it's healthier than being fat."
And people say when I gripe about gaining back all the depression weight loss I had, that I didn't lose that in a healthy way. Like it's supposed to matter. The only GOOD thing that came out of my life-altering, come to Jesus, knock me down backwards depression WAS the weight loss. Because if nothing else, I looked hot as balls.

But instead, the Dr put me on hardcore meds to knock me out because I hadn't slept in a year, and I gladly followed the Pied Piper with his sleep drugs, not realizing they made me crave sweet stuff at midnight, which I was happy to oblige.

Sleep or Skinny?

Happy or Skinny? (Happiness includes food binges, say...on fondue and bread.)

It all sucks, and now I have to pay the price.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Calling in fat today...

I am really glad I work from home.

Somewhere between March and June, I gained like 50 lbs. Which really sucks because I had lost that much and bought a bunch of skinny clothes that are now mocking me from my closet down the hall.

I hear them. It grates on my self-image. I feel disgusting for the first time since my tummy tuck a few years ago.

I can't win some days. I try to quit everything that I like. Smoking, eating, anti-anxiety medication. And it doesn't work, because I don't really want to quit.

And everyone feels the need when I bitch about my weight, to explain to me like I'm half-retarded, that I need to exercise.



X-ER-SIZE? What does that mean?
I dont care if you are my bff or my mother...if you tell me I need to exercise and watch what I eat, like I've been living in a cave and had no exposure to "healthy living" ideas and that bullshit food pyramid, I WILL bitch-slap you.

I know I am supposed to exercise. I just don't feel like it. Maybe you don't know, because you've never been fat, but the fatter you get, the HARDER IT IS to move. It's exercise for me to walk up a flight of stairs. And I am not even like, hugely fat.

And you think you have company in misery, and then everyone you know who was reliably fat with you goes and gets digestive surgery and loses all the weight.

It really pisses me off. Don't leave me in fatness alone! That means if I am fatter than someone who has ALWAYS been fat, then its like being picked last in gym class, and I have to exercise. Which means I have to quit smoking so I don't fall over when I lose my breath in five minutes.

Everything I knew to be true, was a LIE.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Timeshares and Idiots

That's a working title.

I took a call today, telling me that I won some free trip from the Brentwood Corn Festival. (Yes, I moved to hi-falutin' (Spelling???) California, and went to a corn festival. It was across the street.)

So I listened to half the spiel and then asked about the catch. Of course you have to sit through a 90 minute speech about timeshares, but then you get a 5 day trip, all expenses and airfare to Hawaii. Sounds pretty damn good to me. I had intentions of going anyway, but this way, we just have to pay for the kids. So that would be a nice addition in October, when they're off school for two weeks. And I can work from anywhere. It gives me an excuse to make Andy go do things with the kids and leave me in peace.

Now, the idiot part is that people email me to tell me they're not interested in a job, if I email a mass email.

I am emailing over 1000 people a day for 50 different jobs. I don't want to hear from them when they aren't interested in the job...just when they are!!!!!!!

As you can see, I am glad it's almost the end of the week.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

There once was a woman who lived in a shoe...

....who spent so much spare time social networking she was about to jump off a cliff.

(Bet you thought I was going to finish that off with something that rhymed, but I'm not a poet.)

So now I work fulltime from home during the day.

I've also suddenly become super-motivated to write more. All in the places I don't need to be, and not in the one place I do (my book).

I started a new blog, scrapped it because I became involved in an already started blog with the same focus. Then I started a new one. You can see the picture to the left to click on..."Glamorously Chic Designs". I just started it, so there is like 2 posts. lol.

Then I decided to revamp this old girl, now that I am no longer affiliated with the United States Military.

And in between, there is facebook pages, I needed a portfolio in order to write for publications and a resume, and blah, blah, blah....so if you are friends with me on Facebook, and you get 80 requests to like something affiliated with me, just do it. I will owe you one.

The one thing that was actually funny, was that I created a fan page for myself on FB. Not just for my blogs, but for me as a writer.


"Did you just create a "fan page" for yourself?" he IM'd me.

I wanted to reply, "Uh, I AM somebody, so, uh, yeah...I needed a collective place that ALL my worldwide (that's right people...I am read WORLDWIDE) can go to in order to click a "Like" button.

I was slightly embarrassed, but the one thing I figured out in the past two years I've been blogging, is that the more people see your shit, the better.

I mean, I'm already "outed". I did that to myself. So now everyone can enjoy my picture attached to everything. It's funny too, because that is only damn good picture taken of me in the past decade.

I have to go now...I have to create another page for my new blog, and then write an article due tommorrow for FootballNation.com about the Top Ten Big East Football Stadiums, followed by another article due this week on health insurance for theLosAngelesPost.org.

I might actually sleep one day this week...

Monday, August 13, 2012

"Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere."

Helen Gurley Brown


"Money, if it does not bring you happiness, will at least help you be miserable in comfort."
"Nearly every glamorous, wealthy, successful career woman you might envy now started out as some kind of schlep."

Thursday, August 9, 2012

I am laughing so hard at this....

This Gotye song is so easy to make in to a parody.

First Verse:

Now I think of back before I was a hooker

Right before I would get on the pole before a show

I told myself you’ll only do this once

Its extra dough to pay the rent this month

but that was then and I was young, and dumb and limber

(Skip second verse, because I am too lazy to write one.)

But you didn’t have to sell me out
Told the cops that you weren’t paying for a hand job or nothing
Didn’t even post my bail
But you come knocking at my door the next day for tail
You didn’t have to get that low
You told your friends that since I caught VD it would be over
I guess that I don’t need your dough
Now you’re just somebody when I used to “ho”

Seriously...now my addicted is fueled even more...

 I saw the damn Gotye video for "Somebody that I Used to Know".

I think I've listened to it a million times already today.

First, the lyrics are stirring, because it's so true. You spend time in a long relationship with someone, and they know you like they are part of you, and then you break up and suddenly they are someone you used to know.

Then I see the video, and the representation of his vulnerability by being naked is great. And he's freaken adorable.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Did you ever have that dream....

...where you got to interview two hot celebrities, and ask them anything you want?

Well, I may be in that predicament.

I was contacted by PR for this new show that will be premiering on "Stars Vs. Stripes", on NBC August 13th at 8/7 Central, where it follows eight celebrities, as they gather at a remote training facility are challenged to execute complicated missions inspired by real military exercises. 

Celebrities Laila Ali, Dean Cain, Terry Crews, Nick Lachey, Todd Palin, Dolvett Quince and Eve Torres will be accompanied by members of the U.S. Military to compete in the competitions. During each challenge, the teams will be competing for a cash prize on behalf of their selected charities, including:

· MILITARY CHILD EDUCATION COALITION, which works to ensure quality education opportunities for military connected children.
· WOUNDED WARRIOR PROJECT, which provides medical care to injured service members after their period of active duty.
· THE PAT TILLMAN FOUNDATION honors Pat Tillman by providing education scholarships and community opportunities to military veterans and their spouses.
· THE BADGE OF HONOR MEMORIAL FOUNDATION hopes to provide the families of officers who have been killed in the line of duty a lasting symbol of recognition for the life of service, as well as providing the survivors of officers with statutory benefits.
· ARMED SERVICES YMCA OF ALASKA provides educational, recreation and social programs and opportunities to all service members and their families.
· HIRING OUR HEROES helps to find jobs and maximize job opportunities for veterans and military spouses.

I've seen the commercials, and it looks pretty good.
But anyway, back to me. ;)

So I was offered the chance to try and get interviews with some of the celebs who will be on the show. Initially, I wanted Terry Crews (and still do), simply because of his stellar performance on the movie, "White Chicks", where he played the big, black, buff guy who sung his way in to our hearts with his rendition of Vanessa Carlton's "Thousand Miles".
I love this dude.
But I figured that I would go with Nick Lachey and Dean Cain. So, it is in the process of being set up. My people talking to their people...you know how it is when you're bigtime. lol.
But I thought, partially out of laziness and partially out of amusement, that I would throw it out to you, my faithful readers, to come up with some questions YOU would ask them if you could. And it's a good way to get comments flowing again, because you've been making me hear crickets in the background after I post.
So post a comment with your question. You can put your name with it, so that I can say, "Val" wants to know...
Now cross your fingers. I am going to go write my questions.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Somebody That I Used To Know

I can't stop listening to this song. I must play it 20 times, back to back when I am alone in my office.

It makes me think of somebody that I used to know...ME.

I know myself, but I guess I am confused lately. Had a lot of stress going on. Loving my new job, but it's a lot of working long hours. It gives me an excuse to not have to interact with anyone. And I am finding that I am trying to isolate again. I like being alone. I am just not in the mood to emotionally connect right now. With anyone. I would start seeing a new shrink, except that my insurance doesn't start for 90 days. So, for the first time in my life, I am insurance-less. Which is a HUGE source of stress for me. And because I didn't work for so long, things got behind financially, so this month is about catching up. Then it will still suck, because I need to save money. Not that I am really tempted to shop. I don't fit in to anything!!!!! So it makes shopping not fun. Sometimes I am almost (((ALMOST))) tempted to start working out, but I know I won't stick with it.  

That being said, I think I need a girls trip. Like Vegas or something. I need to let loose for a day or two. But everyone is having babies, contemplating divorce, on the wagon or broke, so I don't have anyone to go with.