Wednesday, September 21, 2011

How do you hit bottom without the benefit of a fall?

I'm thinking it's a bad sign when you think you have hit rock bottom, but you can't be completely sure.

Personally, I feel completely gyped out of an actual fall from grace. Usually it implies that you have a problem. But what happens when it's not you that has the problem? Other than my brief, single life in college, where I drank like a sailor, I've been pretty responsible. I've managed to keep any irresponsible wildness out of my life. I am completely dismayed that despite making good choices, I end up starting from scratch at 32.

I may end up having to move home and live with my parents again.

I may have to start drinking heavily in order to cope with that thought, which is why I question if I have hit bottom yet. I may have a lot more crap to face.

I don't know what I expect of my life anymore. It's almost a blank slate. At 18, that's an adventure. But with two kids and a marriage that is a work in progress, it's terrifying. It's not always your choice what happens in life. Sometimes life happens to you. You can make the right choices and still be hit with a bomb that blows it all to pieces. Then you are caught in a world where you just exist for awhile, not sure where to go next. You have to mourn the losses you have suffered and figure things out.

It's a lonely place, especially when you feel like somehow you let yourself down. It's being caught between two worlds...the life you had and the life you will have again.

But I guess just as things can always get worse, they CAN get better. But it takes time to let the wounds heal, and refrain from killing the next person that tells you to take it one day at a time. I actually bought a little wooden sign that says that, and after hearing everyone push this 12 step mantra on me, I find that I want to burn it and dance on the ashes....naked.

This is the worst possible thing to say. One day at a time.

No shit. I was actually hoping to go on a bender and then sleep away four straight days.

(I actually WAS hoping this would happen, but anyway)

Today, I am not ready to make any choices. Probably not tomorrow, or next week either. I'm not living for tomorrow, but living for what will come down the road. Sometimes that's all you can do.


  1. Screw the wooden plaque. Get that saying on a pillow and then you can punch it. Hope you are well and had a good summer. We are finally back from the woods and no internet. Glad to see you are still typing goodies!!!

  2. Ugh I really feel for you... I'm sure most people don't know what to say or do so they find the next cliche saying in their pocket and divvy it out like loose change, though I'm sure their intentions are genuine and heartfelt. Do what YOU gotta do to heal, even if you have no clue what that is, just be and you're in my thoughts and good vibes that it'll all work out better than you think and hope xoxo