Whore Rules…rule. (Don’t read unless you appreciate low moral value)

Maybe you were a little wild in your youth. Sowed some oats, and all that jazz.

I can come up with a bunch of ways to make it sound pretty, but let’s be honest…maybe you slept with a bunch of people you now wish you hadn’t. Or, maybe you WISH you slept with some people who you forgot to. I think everyone I know has a list of whom they slept with, or has TRIED to make one, but couldn’t remember all the names, OR…is in complete denial about how many people they did sleep with and now believe their own lies.

In either case, one of my best friends and I made a list of “Whore Rules” back when she was a single gal, and I was married with two kids and had to live vicariously through hearing her stories while I remembered the “old days” of my youth. Of course, we did this to justify our bad behavior. The point of the “Rules” was to find ways to eliminate guys from the list due to extenuating circumstances. (So we didn’t have a long list).You probably won’t appreciate this unless you were a little slutty yourself, or you have a non-judgemental sense of humor (which, if you read my blog, you probably do…)

I’ve decided to print some of the “Rules” to share them with the world.

THE RULES:

If the “event” happens on a holiday, it doesn’t count. (And yes, Arbor Day and Flag Day ARE holidays, as are birthdays and 4 day weekends!)

If you have more than one guy with the same first name, it only counts once. IE: Two Steves=One Steve

If you have some same-sex action and you are straight, it doesn’t count because you were “just going through a phase” or “broadening your horizons.”

If the guy has a handicap or impediment, it doesn’t count because it’s community service. Things that fall under “handicap” include lazy eye, halitosis, bad teeth/hair.

For every 3 years that you remain in a stable relationship, you can eliminate one name off the list.

If the event occurred in water, it doesn’t count because you KNOW you didn’t even feel it.

If YOU don’t remember it, it didn’t happen.

If it occurred in the State of West Virginia, Arkansas or Mississippi, it didn’t happen because what you did was probably illegal.

A threesome only counts as one person, because you get points for multi-tasking.

If you were in college at the time, it doesn't count because you were furthering your education.

If you slept with Shaquille O’Neal or other man of great stature who has a “manly bit” as long as your wrist to your elbow…it didn’t count as a number, but you should really consider getting a tattoo that states it. That’s like a damn trophy…you should frame it and put it above the fireplace!

I've decided....(2)

…it’s okay to take time to get to bond with your husband again after deployment. After all, it takes a year to get used to living without them, so it can take a while to get used to living with them again.

…that lint rollers are ineffective in the battle against dog hair on your clothes. I have learned to live with the fact that I have now grown my own winter coat.

…that new mothers that have jogging strollers and use them really piss me off. Who the hell has time to run with a newborn???

…I like to hibernate in the winter like bears. There is nothing more satisfying than to stay in bed when it’s cold outside, with a book and a cup of hot tea.

…that a new purse is like Chicken Soup to the Soul, more so than even Chicken Soup. And like new shoes, you can never have enough.

…if people judge you, they are really just insecure with their own choices. Everyone is different and no one has all the right answers.

…it’s okay to still hate people from your past. Anger gives you the power to make changes and can be very cleansing.

...it's okay to be a little surprised when you find out your ex-boyfriend got married and no one told you.

…to skip makeup once a week and just moisturize. My skin needs to breathe!!!

…my butt looks good in jeans. But it’s scary as hell in a bathing suit.

…I’m afraid to get a bikini wax. I cry like a baby when I get my eyebrows done, so I can’t imagine the agony of hair removal from my hoo-ha.

…I like my husbands grey hair, but will continue to color mine until I die.




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Thanks a bunch!