Monday, March 21, 2011

This body was made for the SPA.

I begin this week with a certain level of exhaustion, so relaxing treatments are sounding appealing to me right now.

Maybe I should be a little more embarrassed of my weight. I actually weigh a lot. Luckily, I don’t look as fat as I really am, which in my mind, gives me license to eat more. I also think that my ability to lose large amounts of weight in short periods of time doesn’t encourage me to adopt a more healthy lifestyle. Yet, I keep trying because I aspire to be health-concious.

I attribute it to being “muscular” underneath my fat.

Surprisingly, I have no issues with going to a spa and getting rubbed down by a total stranger. Or NOT a total stranger…one of my friends was my massage therapist when I lived in GA. I miss her hands….not in a creepy way.

But I can’t help but wonder how gross it must be to rub down a complete stranger. I would imagine that hairy people are the worst. I keep wondering how to bring up the subject of “man-scaping” to my sons without completely horrifying them, while not completely encouraging them to start trimming away pubes on my bathroom floor. Let’s be honest…these kids don’t pick up their socks, so do you really think they will scoop up rogue crotch hairs?


Actually, I think rubbing down a fat person wouldn’t be that bad. Kind of like a large stress ball. Or bread dough….Sounds stress relieving on a different level.

I am also desperately trying to stop smoking. I really need to, and I know all the reasons why. But unless I start drinking more often, it’s the last thing I can clutch to in a panic attack since I’ve given up the Xanax. And I’ve been smoking a lot lately. I seem to be failing at everything I am attempting in the past two weeks, and normally I’m fine with that. But right now I need things to be going right.

I need Tom Cruises help. The mystic power of Scientology.

Okay, maybe I’m not that desperate.


  1. There's nothing quite like starting a Monday morning at the office and reading the phrase "rogue crotch hairs". LOL.

    Giving up vices is so unfair, especially to those of us prone to angst.I've been two weeks with no alcohol and nearly four without caffeine. Damn that Lenten urge to be clean and pure.

  2. I take a pill every to keep me from over reacting and it really does help. With the smoking it is a matter of you "really" wanting to quit. Until that day happens you never will. Been there done that. I went from 2 packs a day to not wanting to be around them overnight. I finally wanted to.

  3. You know, I feel oddly not uncomfortable in a spa setting, too. And I like the kneading bread dough analogy...that makes me feel even better! :)

    p.s. hope your week gets less stressful without the aide of TomKat...but if you DO need him to come over, maybe he can have the "manscaping" talk with the boys.

  4. This post is brilliant because it's hilarious and so honest at the same time. I love reading blogs like this one because so many of them are all, "Life is FANTASTIC AND I'M SOOOOO AWESOME." So even though it is hard to admit to what you want to improve, it helps other readers (me) know that I'm not the only one who has things she wants to change.

  5. :)...I love my harry sweetman. It's cool when one of his hairs pokes through a microscopic hole from one of his shirts. You know what I do? I pull it.

  6. I tried EVERYTHING, it seems like, to quit smoking... patches, gum, Welbutrin, lozenges, cold-turkey (that one never lasted more than 24 hours LOL), etc. The only thing that worked for me was the nicotine inhaler. It was amazing. I still got the smoking sensation, but I think because all of the extra chemicals they put in cigarettes weren't there, it became less and less appealing to me over time. Before I knew it, I was only using the inhaler a couple of times a day, and was finally able to put it down altogether. It was amazing! It was kind of expensive at first, but not nearly as expensive as death or even the cigarettes themselves. LOL Try it! :D Great blog! I'm a new follower (mandiana)

  7. I tried buying an electric cigarette. That didn't even last a day. I may give it another go though. Chantix made me want to strangle my husband. lol. It wasn't pretty.