This body was made for the SPA.

I begin this week with a certain level of exhaustion, so relaxing treatments are sounding appealing to me right now.

Maybe I should be a little more embarrassed of my weight. I actually weigh a lot. Luckily, I don’t look as fat as I really am, which in my mind, gives me license to eat more. I also think that my ability to lose large amounts of weight in short periods of time doesn’t encourage me to adopt a more healthy lifestyle. Yet, I keep trying because I aspire to be health-concious.

I attribute it to being “muscular” underneath my fat.

Surprisingly, I have no issues with going to a spa and getting rubbed down by a total stranger. Or NOT a total stranger…one of my friends was my massage therapist when I lived in GA. I miss her hands….not in a creepy way.

But I can’t help but wonder how gross it must be to rub down a complete stranger. I would imagine that hairy people are the worst. I keep wondering how to bring up the subject of “man-scaping” to my sons without completely horrifying them, while not completely encouraging them to start trimming away pubes on my bathroom floor. Let’s be honest…these kids don’t pick up their socks, so do you really think they will scoop up rogue crotch hairs?

ME NEITHER.

Actually, I think rubbing down a fat person wouldn’t be that bad. Kind of like a large stress ball. Or bread dough….Sounds stress relieving on a different level.

I am also desperately trying to stop smoking. I really need to, and I know all the reasons why. But unless I start drinking more often, it’s the last thing I can clutch to in a panic attack since I’ve given up the Xanax. And I’ve been smoking a lot lately. I seem to be failing at everything I am attempting in the past two weeks, and normally I’m fine with that. But right now I need things to be going right.

I need Tom Cruises help. The mystic power of Scientology.

Okay, maybe I’m not that desperate.

Screw Yoga. And besides, I’m not that flexible anyway.

^{Maybe it’s because of my parents. Or maybe it’s because I DON”T drink enough. Either way, my life is not what you would call “balanced.” I don’t really know anyone whose truly is. There is always something missing in your life…something unattainable and teetering on the edge of “off”.} 

^{I am a passionate person. I love hard, I play hard, I crash hard. I don’t believe in doing things halfway. If I am going to fail at something (which I have plenty of times) then at least I will succeed in failing. And I am okay with that, because I have realistic expectations about my life, and I know that shit is going to happen.}

^{This being said, I am a horrible over-analyzer…to the point it gives me panic attacks. (Hence, the Xanax)}

^{This is a recent gift that has been bestowed upon me, in the last, say, two years… pretty much since I moved to New York. It sucks. It feels like someone is sitting on your chest and you feel, well…panicky. What do I stress out about? All things that I have no control over..that’s why I am stressed. I have a certain amount of faith in my own abilities, and relatively none in anyone else. In the evening, I look forward to taking my Xanax and not stressing out. Have a cup of tea and just sit and relax.}

^{My problem is that I have to stop taking it because I think it’s making me depressed. Well, that and the fact I am depriving my body of delicious things to eat that make me happy. Oh, and there could also be some residual effects from the fact I HATE where I live and it’s miserably cold, boring and dreary. I think that about sums it up. But I think it’s mostly the pills. It’s also made me have almost no desire to have sex, which, for me is highly unusual. So I stopped taking it about two weeks ago and am waiting for my internal fountain to spring once again. And I am going on vacation in approximately 2 months, and then I am moving somewhere where people can breed without medical approval…which will be a HUGE stress while it’s happening, yet relieving at the same time.}

^{Until then, however, if I get one more person explaining the finer points of yoga, I swear I will do some ninja moves on your ass and help you find YOUR inner chi. My brain works too fast to meditate, I don’t look good in spandex and you can call it what you want, but it’s still exercise. You are fooling NO ONE! In the meantime, I will increase my alcohol consumption and sleep a lot.}

^{I open my chakra’s with Mojito’s, baby.}

I was nominated on Babble's Top 50 Mom Blogs List. So pretty please take two minutes and click here: http://www.babble.com/babble-50/mommy-bloggers/nominate-a-blogger/index.aspx then scroll down to "Glamorous Life" and click on the "like" button.
Thanks a bunch!