Thursday, May 3, 2012

Millionaire bachelors, all waiting for you.

I keep getting the most ridiculous emails for dating sites. Today it was Millionaires. I took a look, as I wanted to see how attractive said bachelors were.

Turns out, not very, providing them with a justification to advertise themselves based on their income.
And it looked like most were scouring for sex.


In other news, I've just about eaten a whole bucket of cheese balls. I saw them and thought, "Hmmm. I haven't seen them in a while."

It was not a good idea.

I thought I could resist them. Who knew that it would be my go-to snack of choice, right after dried mangos. I have cleaned out about 30 bags in a week from Target. When you wear sweatpants 4 days a week, you don't have a realistic grasp on your weight loss/gain. Then you put on real grownup clothes, and accessorize with a cute, upper waisted belt, only to whip it off on the drive to the office because you think you may pass out from the restricted oxygen/blood flow.


Since I am not doing too well with this whole dieting thing right now, I have to seriously consider putting some of my funds in to a gym membership. But I know I won't use it, so I don't. I just have to wait until my motivation is strong enough to commit to losing weight.


I've been waiting all week for this damn wicker outdoor set to be delivered. So they finally come today, and not only is it NOT assembled, but when I tried to start putting it together, the screws don't match up with the openings!!!! Thus confirming that the two reasons we really need men are sex and furniture assembly. I would gladly put out FOR the furniture assembly. "So, IKEA delivery man, how about I slip you an extra $100 bucks and a BJ, and you throw this stuff together?"

That would generally be frowned upon.

However, if you are married, you can say, "If you put together all this stuff today, I'll give you a BJ." And they do it, and then you develop a sudden headache, and never have to follow through.

Somehow, the hope must be so great for married men, that they fall for this scheme over and over and over again. You would think they would catch on after the first year of it never happening. It's kind of like playing hide and go seek with a baby. The baby is surprised every time you uncover your face.

It's the best perk of being married.

I've bartered sexual favors for all kinds of things with my husband. A dinner at Applebee's. New shoes. This is why prostitution is the oldest profession. We are worse after we commit. That's when the real whoring begins. And its with no shame because we have a ring. It's our license.

1 comment:

  1. It's Val-

    You can hire people on Craig's List to put stuff together. I think some people make a living off of it.

    Although, knowing there's the move "Craig's List Killer" keeps me away from the stranger-danger of Craig's List. Seems like a way for a slacker criminal to get easy prey.

    ... and ever since I got married, I'm not longer easy.