For the most part, I feel as though I am living life. Because I am not emotionally entangled with my husband. I love him. As a brother.
Ah...that poses a problem when you're married.
See, my heart is coated in more tombs than Napoleon. Sure, I've had my heart broken before. But it was different. This time, it knocked me unconcious for a year. That's a year I can't get and don't want back. I find myself terrified by the thought of ever becoming in love with anyone ever again.
I've lived by myself. Or, rather, by myself with kids. And I was fine. Except the normal desires, but not able to do anything about it, because I was married. SO I coped.
I was happy being alone.
I am not afraid of it.
I am much more terrified of being married. I don't want to share everything. I don't want to give away those inner emotions.
I can be a great BFF. I can make someone laugh. But I can't have sex with my husband.
I could probably have sex with someone that doesn't matter to me. Which, again, poses a problem when you're married.
I want to stay married to my husband for everything except the sex part, and that means I am not open to being in love.
WHat's worse, is I don't want to fix anything. I want to just do my own thing and ignore it.
But its not working.
Because at the end of the day, it's not fair to either one of us. But he refuses to see that. He just wants me. It's the first time in my life I just don't want to be loved by a man. I just want to be friends. Because its far too painful, and I feel like I've given up so much of myself for him, to save him, that there is just no energy or motivation left for us.
I don't really want to talk about it in marital counseling. But I said I would. To a point. The point where I need to stop because I am feeling that lack of control over my emotions.
There is no answering the question I just asked.
There is no "what do I do?"
No one can answer it except for the two of us.
We are "strange allies with warring hearts" as Dave Matthews so poetically wrote in "The Space Between". I just wish I could leave him waiting for me for when I am ready again. But emotional purgatory is worse than hell, yet we've both suffered through it for almost two years.
I guess I will ignore it for another day.