Monday, January 21, 2013

"And then I woke up, and it was mid-January..."

What's up?

So I've been neglectful lately, I know. It's just that I have a ridiculously busy life, yet feel like I don't have one at all. I literally don't talk to my kids for 3 days a week, when I have to go in to the office for work, and spend my days at home in recovery...drowning out any pushes to make decisions, plans or otherwise taxing use of my brain. So usually, we do nothing. Which also sucks.

I mean, I still want to do things. I just don't always want to be the one who has to think about what it is we are going to do.

Conversation between me and Andy in the garage this weekend:

Me: "Stop being depressed and Debbie-Downer that you're 34 and retired. Most people would KILL to be 34 and retired and not have to worry about money. If you don't want to do laundry every day and feel like a useless pile of flesh, then get yourself on a schedule and see where you have free time and go take a scuba-diving class or become a competitive cup-stacker."

Andy: (Actually me paraphrasing, with a bit of over-exaggeration for effect)
"Well, I feel all depressed because blah, blah blah...and you never want to do anything when you're home except be lazy. I'm like, bored and everything..."

Me: "Are you on fucking crack? Do you know how to use a computer? Clearly, do, so use it for something useful, like looking up "things to do in SF" or movie times or something, and fucking plan something. I seriously don't know when I became your mother. And BTW...this is why I never want to have sex. I have to decide everything. Maybe if you took the initiative and grabbed me and slammed me up against a wall, I would feel like doing you, because you though of it on your own, and not with the direction of a self-help book."

Andy: "Well, I never know how much money we have, so I can't plan something without you knowing it. Blah, blah, excuse, excuse..."

Me, thinking to myself: "This is why I lay around and watch my DVR all weekend. It's effortless and not like talking to a wall. Why was it I got married again?"

I don't have the time and energy right now to really focus on my marriage.

It sounds horrible. But I don't. Now that I am the one who has to make the dough, and deal with a ridiculous commute, my bandwidth is severely stretched. So for the next year, I have to focus on my job. If he can't wait a year, than too bad. And the sad thing is...our marriage could be the exact same way a year from now. We are used to "freeze-drying" our relationship and putting it on hold, mostly for needs of the army.

I find it sadly interesting that while I can completely ignore my relationship, everyone I know is in the midst of some major life-change. Meanwhile, we sit around and watch more tv than anyone else I know. I dread weekends when we have something planned, but then when it comes, it's like I don't want to go back home because i've woken up for a little bit.

This would concern some people, but not me. I am actually more concerned about the state of my hair and the bad choice of dying it brown, and how I am going to fix this mess???

Why? Because right now is just one of those cycles of life when things change and life blows by you. It's very similar to when my boys were both toddlers and everything changed constantly and rapidly. It's simply too hard to try to keep up with the changes, and easier to just hold on and adjust when things settle. I am really emotionally spent after two years of chaos. I have no more expectations of my relationship. It simply will be what it will be. Andy has enough to deal with, trying to find himself again in the midst of deep depression and now, no career.

It's prime, early mid-life crisis territory, and it's his shit that he needs to focus on, and in the meantime, I am working like a mad-woman.

As for my diet...I did well until yesterday when I went to my "Nephew by BFF"'s birthday and inhaled 6 pieces of pizza like no tomorrow. But I can't digest real food, so I ended up getting sick last night, again making me wish I could just barf after every meal, but knowing that even as a bulimic, I am a failure.

But I'm down 15 lbs, which is past my goal of 10 for the month, and I still have almost two weeks. So, on to the next month of Nutrasystem. I know what sucks now, so I should have better eating, albeit repetitive meals.

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