I was feeling pretty good yesterday.
I was thinking about where I am in my life now, when a year ago, I couldn't get out of bed. It's pretty unbelievable what you can recover from, when a life-changing "bomb" is dropped in your lap out of nowhere that changes everything from the way you think, to the path your life takes afterwards.
For as long as I can remember, I felt unfulfilled. I didn't have a chance to focus on my own goals, since so many things came first. Kids, husband, and of course the army. I have held on to so much resentment...at my husband for always not being there, even though it was his job, at the military for its lack of support for soldiers and their families, and at myself, for largely letting life pass me by in order to wait for "something", not knowing what it was. But I thought that life should be better than it was. That there was more, and I was missing it.
When something shakes the core of your marriage, it shakes the core of who you are. It makes you question everything that came before. It makes you question your sanity. And then you have to decide what to do next. Do you leave, do you stay? Can you afford to make that choice based solely on what you want, or are there barriers, like children and how it affects them, money...can you do it on your own. Then you question moral or religious issues, and finally, test the strength of the vows you spoke. What is the value of a promise?
I've always thought I was a strong person. And then something tore me in to pieces. I was held hostage by emotions that I couldn't reconcile mentally and fear. Lots of fear. I never understood how people could just be so depressed that they literally can't move. Can't make a choice. Can't deal with their reality. But when that happens, you are frozen in grief and confusion. And now, I barely remember that year.
And then, one day...I got up. And I decided I was going to make choices and take back the control I wasn't ready to reassume.
I accomplished many goals this year. I did them. I got us to where we are now. And yesterday, it meant so much self-pride.
Then something in the world happens, and you realize how your daily thoughts and worries mean NOTHING. How your struggles and despair in life MEAN NOTHING. Because it's always insignificant when compared to someone else's life.
There is little worse that I can think of, than losing a child.
I know I joke about my kids, and tell stories of frustration and irritation at them...
But it's very tongue-in-cheek.
If one of them was hurt or died, I think I would die inside. I would sink in to myself and let go.
No matter how mad I've ever been, I've never felt the urge to hurt my children. I really don't even much believe in spanking, mostly because it's often done in anger, and that should never be the case. I spanked if it was a matter of their safety, to enforce that it was dangerous. If I get really angry, I lock myself away, so that I can deal with it when I am level-headed again.
I don't understand why people kill children. No rational person can, because it's unthinkable to a rational person. But these "terrorists" are not rational. They are mentally ill. They aren't wired right. You can't justify it, nor can you explain it.
I feel that way when there is any devastation in the world. And I look around at what I have, and wonder how God will judge me when its my time to go. Did I squander precious time, feeling sorry for myself, when I have never had to go to bed hungry? Never had to truly worry about being homeless?
It seems like the more I get, the more it becomes apparent to me that I have to share it. I think about the wealthy people who control our country, and wonder how they can go buy a car that costs $200k, when people can't eat, can't feed their children, live in shelters, can't find a job?
They say money changes people. Why doesn't it change them for the better? To use that power to help someone else?
I feel ill. I hear about school shootings, public shootings, mass murders, genocide. I hear about a government that opens fire on their own civilians waiting in a breadline. I hear about people using children as soldiers. It makes me sick.
Not everyone should be allowed to have a gun. The 2nd Amendment was created in case we had to protect ourselves from an oppressive government. But if that happened, we wouldn't win. Not in a age of nuclear weaponry, drones and other resources they have. And hiding under the veil of that stupid law, covers everyone who has murdered someone. "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." What an idiotic statement. Anti-gun legislation is not about taking away your rights (to kill), but protecting others who have lost their right to live.
Most people say they have them for protection, but if attacked, wouldn't have time to use a gun to protect themselves.
Canadians can have guns for hunting. And their annual murder rate is about 60 people, compared to our 10,000.
How do you reconcile that?
My heart goes out to those parents and children today in the CT shooting. I bet they don't have very supportive thoughts on our lax gun policies right now. And if it were your child, I bet you wouldn't either.