And we now return to our regularly scheduled programming.

So I know I have vanished for a while. My trip to CA was full of hilarious moments....and some uncomfortably emotional ones too. You can't be with two of your best friends since childhood and not lose your shit when your life is in crisis.

I've been trying everything possible to feel more like myself again. I slept all day, which was quite lovely and, in my opinion, far more addictive than any illegal substances would be when you are this worn out. I tried drinking, and gave it a good go, but I have learned I can't trust myself with a bottle of wine, because even if I promise it's only a glass, I finish the bottle every time. Being buzzed isn't the problem....that's the hangover and self-loathing afterwards. I've tried books on therapy and they suck. I've tried therapists, and they suck more because you have to wait weeks for an appointment and then leave feeling judged and disappointed. I'd rather read a good Chelsea Handler book with a nice gin and tonic by my side. That is a true and tested relaxation technique. Also helpful in a state of severe depression, is episodes of The Golden Girls. Watching 4 old bitches call each other sluts and berate each other is insurmountable fun. I even got Andy to watch it, and he snickered the whole time.

We have had ridiculous appointments, due to Andys the past two weeks and I have two more tomorrow. This was not completely what I had in mind when leaving my job to get myself to a more zen place. I was hoping more for a spa-like atmosphere, where I could sip monitor and read a whole book in one sitting. Of course, this fantasy also included my kids back in school and some sleep.

I don't really trust therapists, mostly because I've never met one who hasn't made questionable choices in their personal life. I also am much smarter than most of them, and they don't find it amusing to debate cognitive therapy versus group therapy with me. WebMD is evil to medical professionals and a direct threat because they get pissed they went to school all those years when you really only have to read, possess common sense and give good advice. Personally, I think shrinks would be more highly trusted if they were more honest to their patients. Let's face it...some people should be pushed toward an open window and encouraged to jump because they can't be helped. Sad, but true. Or I would advise consuming large amounts of alcohol to help mask the misery that will never leave them.

And this is why I am not a shrink.

However, I am starting personal therapy tomorrow and I am trying to be open-minded because I like a good surprise and maybe this shrink can pull some real advice or insight to my self-diagnosed state of acute depression and how to make it go the fuck away already, because I want to leave MYSELF after spending all week with me.

Of course, this depression could be otherwise explained by the lack of anything quality to watch on tv. I have 1500 channels and not one damn show that holds my interest for more than ten minutes.

Other fun things when you are depressed and have anxiety is grinding your teeth in your sleep. I wake up with my jaw so sore, you can relate to how a toothless hooker feels after a night of blow-jobs. It sucks. So I can further humiliate myself my wearing "Grind No More, which is a bite plate I get to sleep with every night.

All in all I am taking baby steps toward redemption and I will get there eventually. My lack of employment will give me time to continue writing my book, which will be an entertaining read.