Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Sometimes there aren't enough sick days...

I haven't worked the past two days. Had trouble getting out of bed. It wasn't any help that I have had a headache for three days straight. The more my anxiety goes up, the more medicine I take, the more tired and unmotivated I become.

It's like being in a coma.

Another interesting side effect of my medicine is that it is making me beat up my husband in my sleep.

(I found this slightly amusing too.)

Turns out that Zoloft can make you act out your dreams. Obviously, him staying in bed with me comes at great risk to his personal safety...and I respect that he is willing to take that chance in order to spoon. Hopefully for him, I don't do this very often...but it's nice to know I have the ability to scare him just a tad. Further encouragement to "walk the straight and narrow" or continue to sleep with one eye open.

I head to sunny California tomorrow, to attend one of my BF's bachelorette party. As much as I look forward to this weekend, it brings a lot of mixed feelings. How hard is it going to be to go to CA and know I should be living there right now? It's another reminder of the life I left behind when everything crashed down.

What I have to remember, is that I still have a life in front of me. It's just a different one. Different doesn't equal worse, it's simply "different." And they say that change isn't easy. So I just have to stay focused on the fact that even though I was dealt a crappy hand, it wasn't my last poker game. I will go on to win more and lose more.

It's so easy for my head to process this motivational speaker's getting my heart to believe it that is tough.

Anyway...I fully intend to eat and drink heartily this weekend, and laugh until my face hurts. I really need it.


  1. Just be yourself and have a blast. I am sure you will have lots of fun.

  2. I hope the anxiety abates during the trip. Here's to some relaxation and taking off a serious load. Enjoy!

  3. "I just have to stay focused on the fact that even though I was dealt a crappy hand, it wasn't my last poker game." THAT, my friend, was beautifully said. So simple, so true. All of life is like that. We get what we get, then we make of it what we can.
    To say "hang in there" is so lame; I always wish I had something better to offer. But the point is -- it's exactly right. Long as you stay in the game, more opportunities will come; ways to change your life, things you never expected or could have imagined.
    If nothing else, life is full of fucking surprises. Some suck ass, and some are awesome. And weirdly, the suck-ass ones sometimes create the best outcomes because they put us through shit that often change us for the better (though it's hard to see that when we're in it or until we're far enough past it) or they bring us to a new place and create new situations; and conversely, the awesome surprises may ultimately disappoint us in the long run.

    Be gentle with yourself. However long it takes you to rebuild/recreate/reshape yourself and your life, so be it. It will take as long as it needs to. Everyone is different, and everybody's journey (sorry to get all new-agey on you) is different. But you will definitely be okay one day. Through and through.

    And btw -- a doctor once misguidedly put me on zoloft and it fucked me up like you can't believe. Put me in the ER. I know several people for whom it has turned out to be disastrous and fuck with their sleep. You might wanna consider something else? Also, I've been told it should be taken in the morning, because of what it does to your sleep. It can also interact horribly with anything to aid sleep (like Ambien).

    I'm sure you're on top of all this shit and have thought of it, so forgive me for dispensing unauthorized and unrequested medical advice!

    Hope the party in CA was great and that you partied like you deserved to. Hope to read about it soon. Sorry I've been somewhat absent... I am trying to cut down on my time in the blogiverse... but I will always check in with you. Always.

  4. you deserve to eat and drink as much as your pretty heart desires...and laughing your face off is one of the best things ever! Have fun!

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