Friday, July 1, 2011

Being "the bigger person" is not emotionally fulfilling.

I had a blog post all ready for today.

I was going to let someone have it...several someone's. This class reunion stuff stirred up some old feelings toward a select few that used to make me want to die, and in the spirit of me not giving a shit, I was going to call them out for it. I know they are still assholes, and giving them the benefit of the doubt would only piss me off more when they prove I was right.

What spawned this intense irritation? Someone who I never liked, made a condescending remark on the Facebook page that was created to solicit suggestions and gauge interest in a 15 year reunion. He made a remark because he is pompous, and had to discount the ideas of other people, but covered it by feigning concern for the organizer.

And it opened the floodgates of my wrath towards all who had wronged me, because I felt like once again, this guy was trying to shut up the "little people" who weren't part of his group, because he didn't care what we had to say about our own reunion. Just like we didn't have a choice in who ran for student government, because the majority of people were too afraid to run against all the "preps". So they won.

I imagined all the people of the world who were bullied reading my post, petting their villainous lapcats and grinning with an evil glee at the vindication of it, because it spoke for them too.

I wanted a villainous lapcat.

Then I did what I rarely do...let my friends read it before I posted it.

I knew they would talk me out of it, and most of the time, I don't want them making me second-guess myself. I don't want to be censored. It defeats the point of a blog about my life. Then I am picking and choosing, rather than just putting it out there.


The biggest reason that I am not going to post it, is because the last thing I need right now is bad karma. I am scared enough of that to remain emotionally unfulfilled in expressing my ugly feelings.

If my blog has a point to it or theme, it would be that I am human. Yeah, I've had some insane things happen lately, but the rest of it has been comparable to most people's lives, in one way or another.

When I went to my 10 year reunion, I had my own insecurities. It's natural to want to cover up any of the misfortunate events that take place and put on a brave face and pretend it's all okay.

But sometimes you are NOT okay. I am totally NOT okay right now. But I will be.

Maybe you went through a divorce or ten, and you don't want anyone to know. Half of us are going to be why is it so hard to admit when you tried something and it didn't work out? I would rather fail at something than not have the courage to try. God, I cringe when I think about the people I quasi-know reading my blog and judging me. For not being a perfect person, perfect mom, perfect wife. But I don't know if I really would want to be either.

Sounds kind of Stepford Wives, and boring.

I think the good in my life outweighs the bad. That's why I am able to laugh at myself. Despite the crap, I really wouldn't change MUCH. A few things here and there, sure. But I don't see this as a failure, as I have time to make it better. I see it as a challenge.

But it doesn't make me feel better that I was being a pussy today by not posting what I wanted to. I am totally pouting about it.

And now I am eating a doughnut, because it's the least I deserve for being so good.


Fuck the high road.


  1. LOL patting you on the back! Hugs, Terri

  2. Right away I jump to the reunion page to see who it was. No surprise there!

    I say we have a more private reunion; pig roast, lots of booze, safe fenced area for kids to play so parents can relax and enjoy. Invite the really cool people from Class of 1997, you know- the ones who were nice and not snobby and will actually care about seeing how others have been and what they're up to now.

  3. I love comments...but it is KILLING me to know who it is when it posts as Anonymous!!! Today and the other reunion post too...Please let me out of my misery and email me and tell me who you are!!! I will not sell you out...I just need to know. lol.

  4. Well, that's honest!

    Great post, Keri. I am completely ignorant of the circumstances so I can't give any advice - and probably wouldn't anyway.

    I think you're not emotionally fulfilled right now because you're not actually *being* the bigger person, you're refraining from confrontation because you're scared - which is fine, by the way (been there, done that, got the T-shirt).

    You will actually *be* the bigger person when you refrain simply because you realise that this schmuck and people like him don't matter. When you don't have to spew publicly because you're above public spewing. When you could defend the organiser, if you had to, with a measured and appropriate response, sans venom, sans insult. You're so successful - or on your way to being so successful - that assholes don't matter.

    My tuppence's worth, anyway.

  5. Sorry I haven't checked in for a while. I was out of town for nearly two weeks, and had guests staying with me for a few days right before that. So I've been out of touch with all my blog peeps. I actually checked in today to say I was sorry for not replying to your great comment on one of my posts lately about forgiveness (and what bullshit it is), and how perfect that I come find this post of yours today.

    The high road is a bitch. And sometimes I think it's not all that high; I think it's a scam. I think we're being sold something that's crap. That makes us be dishonest and live these fake lives of civility that ultimately makes our insides fester because we can't let out our true feelings. It's bullshit civilization trying to overrule our primal instinct.

    I've been wanting to write another post about this because it seems to be striking such a nerve with readers and also because I can't stop thinking about it.

    I think it has something to do with wanting justice and despising when things are unfair, when people behave unfairly. Some of us just get more pissed off than others; we just have more innate rage, I guess. Too bad you and I don't live closer; we could go hit punching bags together a few nights a week and get some of this anger out!

    Anyway, I totally get why you didn't publish that post. Some people just aren't worth our time and effort, and probably aren't going to learn anything anyway; they're beyond help or beyond changing.

    Don't pout. Don't feel like a pussy. Your instincts usually seem good. If something inside you told you not to publish, and that was validated by your friends, then that was probably the right move. I've written posts in my head... then deleted them, because I knew that even though I am committed to being candid, even when it's ugly, there are just some times when the better, smarter thing to do is hold it back. That's not the same as pussying out, or being untruthful.

    Gotta run and pick up my kids from camp now, but I'm glad I stopped by. Sorry I've been AWOL. Also trying to balance my blogging w/my other writing, and it's all I can do to keep from posting as much as I'd like. But otherwise I won't get anything else done!