Being "the bigger person" is not emotionally fulfilling.

I had a blog post all ready for today.

I was going to let someone have it...several someone's. This class reunion stuff stirred up some old feelings toward a select few that used to make me want to die, and in the spirit of me not giving a shit, I was going to call them out for it. I know they are still assholes, and giving them the benefit of the doubt would only piss me off more when they prove I was right.

What spawned this intense irritation? Someone who I never liked, made a condescending remark on the Facebook page that was created to solicit suggestions and gauge interest in a 15 year reunion. He made a remark because he is pompous, and had to discount the ideas of other people, but covered it by feigning concern for the organizer.

And it opened the floodgates of my wrath towards all who had wronged me, because I felt like once again, this guy was trying to shut up the "little people" who weren't part of his group, because he didn't care what we had to say about our own reunion. Just like we didn't have a choice in who ran for student government, because the majority of people were too afraid to run against all the "preps". So they won.

I imagined all the people of the world who were bullied reading my post, petting their villainous lapcats and grinning with an evil glee at the vindication of it, because it spoke for them too.

I wanted a villainous lapcat.

Then I did what I rarely do...let my friends read it before I posted it.

I knew they would talk me out of it, and most of the time, I don't want them making me second-guess myself. I don't want to be censored. It defeats the point of a blog about my life. Then I am picking and choosing, rather than just putting it out there.

DAMN.

The biggest reason that I am not going to post it, is because the last thing I need right now is bad karma. I am scared enough of that to remain emotionally unfulfilled in expressing my ugly feelings.

If my blog has a point to it or theme, it would be that I am human. Yeah, I've had some insane things happen lately, but the rest of it has been comparable to most people's lives, in one way or another.

When I went to my 10 year reunion, I had my own insecurities. It's natural to want to cover up any of the misfortunate events that take place and put on a brave face and pretend it's all okay.

But sometimes you are NOT okay. I am totally NOT okay right now. But I will be.

Maybe you went through a divorce or ten, and you don't want anyone to know. Half of us are going to be divorced...so why is it so hard to admit when you tried something and it didn't work out? I would rather fail at something than not have the courage to try. God, I cringe when I think about the people I quasi-know reading my blog and judging me. For not being a perfect person, perfect mom, perfect wife. But I don't know if I really would want to be either.

Sounds kind of Stepford Wives, and boring.

I think the good in my life outweighs the bad. That's why I am able to laugh at myself. Despite the crap, I really wouldn't change MUCH. A few things here and there, sure. But I don't see this as a failure, as I have time to make it better. I see it as a challenge.

But it doesn't make me feel better that I was being a pussy today by not posting what I wanted to. I am totally pouting about it.

And now I am eating a doughnut, because it's the least I deserve for being so good.

Humpf!

Fuck the high road.