Saturday, March 17, 2012

The space in between

I hate those times in life when you are about to do something life-altering, and you have to wait.

I'm more of a jump in when it feels right kind of person, and I have the uncanny ability to make decisions quickly. I work well during a crisis, but I don't do well in the aftermath, when I realized I fucked up.

Thankfully, MOST of the time, I am right.

So, now I sit here and wait. Wednesday, I fly to CA to meet my new boss and see my new employer after not working for 9 months. I hate the first month at a new job. You have to get a feel for everyone...who you can trust, who you can joke with and let the occasional f-bomb fly in front of, who will take the first chance they get to claw over your wounded body to be #1. It's what I call, "best behavior" time.

The good news is that I may end up telecommuting most of the time. But that's also the bad news, given I will be alone in a big, empty, furniture less house for a few months. I think going in the office will be a saving grace, giving me someone to talk to.

Leaving my stuff and my family is hard. Yet, I am completely ready to go tomorrow. I fall so easily back in to the trap of wishing time would pass so I can get to what I think is going to be better than it is now. I have a great job lined up in one of the best places to live in the country, ample opportunity to save some money, so you think I would lay back and enjoy the last two weeks of being unemployed, probably for the rest of my life, given that now I am the breadwinner and my husband is retiring.

But in true fashion, I lay awake, anxiously anticipating the next chapter to start.

And maybe that's because the past year has been the darkest chapter of my life.

I've actually had about 7 years of crappy luck, but I'm not expecting that it all will just change with one move. I do have an irrational fear that I may never see my stuff or my kids again. But that's just because I've never left them without knowing a definitive date of reunification.

Now the tables have turned, as my husband is left behind with the kids, as I go off to explore a cross country move and the best that the Bay Area has to offer.

I just wish I had more than an air mattress to take with me. I will find a way to squeeze every article of clothing and shoes in my car. I only have 7 more nights in my own bed.

7 more nights of looking out the same window I fell asleep and woke up to in the past four years, wishing I could leave this place. And now I am.

But I also leave behind the army, as this is the last time I will probably ever be on a post. It's the only life I've known as an adult.

But it's time. Time to move forward into the unknown. I feel the way I did when I graduated high school, knowing life will never be the same. But it stopped being the same last year. So I am ready to go.

I only wish it was today.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sending you positive thoughts for your move and your new job. My mom left my brother and me with my dad and moved from IL to AZ in 1986. A few weeks later my dad sent my brother and I to start school, and he followed after he wrapped up everything in IL. I know how exciting and scary this time can be, but only from the perspective of a child. I wish you the best of everything!