Some days, its easy to point out happy things and bad things.
Lately, I feel like I am largely soaking up other people's energies, and well...
ITS EFFING EXHAUSTING.
I feel like, as a person and on the exterior, I am together. I feel like at work, I am focused and driven. But work is the only place that this "got it together" Keri exists.
When left to my own devices, I feel overextended and drained. So drained that I can barely do anything because my body is tired and my mind is drained.
Emotionally, I feel little in regards to my own life. I don't know if it's because I was wildly out of control for a year, or because I've checked out for self-preservation. The circle is coming to it's completion in regard to my marriage. I've made a commitment and am honoring my vows. As long as my husband continues his self-care, I will stay with him.
But I have too many things happening in the lives of those I love, and, like an electric current, it fills me with sadness and stress.
I love my job and my coworkers. Somedays I feel like a corporate badass. But then a day later, I find myself wondering if I am in over my head. I often do this with jobs, because I second guess myself and have high expectations, both of my employer and myself. I expect my performance to be impeccable. Which is funny, because in the rest of my life, I expect utter chaos.
Life is full of uppers and downers. Coffee, coffee and more coffee to wake up and fuel myself during the days, and at night, darkness, anxiety meds, muscle relaxers and sleepy pills to shut down this machine. I have to actually take a pill that makes me so tired, I can't even continue to think in order to sleep, because I am a chronic insomniac and my mind will continue to run scenarios of how something may go, or how it should've went, making it impossible for me to rest. It's like a computer cracking a code. On and on, it sucks energy from me. I would say that in the scheme of a week, I spend a third sleeping, a third analyzing and producing, and a third stressing.
It's not New Years yet, but letting stress envelope me has to stop, and will be a major focus on my 2013 goals, along with feeling more confident and not being afraid to ask for a second opinion at work. I don't want to lower the bar I have set for myself. I just want to have enough time to let my ideas bear the fruit I know exists.