Duct tape should be a gift given at baby showers for expectant mothers...

Not necessarily for when they are babies, although I have seen many out in public that would've given me a pause on having children. Thankfully, my kids were good babies, or I probably wouldn't have had more than one.

But when they get to be around, say...11 going on 21, duct tape is the first thing that comes to mind in a "New Mother's Toolkit".

We have officially begun the "everything is about me, and driving me around pre-teen years."

Gavin had his first school dance Friday night. I got home from work, and he was "G'd" up, hair moussed and shirt inappropriately unbuttoned halfway down his bony, pale chest. No T-shirt underneath. And his most ripped up, yet clean, skinny jeans. Thankfully, he IS skinny...but men should not wear skinny jeans. Clearly, I think he is making serious fashion faux pas.

We drove him out to the school to drop him off, where he made us park far enough back that no one could see my rockin sport utility wagon, OR me. They had the dance outside, which I have never seen done before...nor have I seen so many scary looking middle schoolers. When I was in school, there was one or two fat kids. At THIS school, there were too many to count.

As a "curvy" adult woman, I know it's a struggle to lose weight. But there is no excuse for most kids to be fat. That falls on the parents to make them get out and exercise and control what they eat. My son Taylor has gone through chunky stages...but I stop buying junk and started buying healthy snacks and limiting portion sizes. It just really makes me mad, because kids have it hard enough as it is...they don't need their weight giving them problems too.

Anyway, I had to ask Gavin about ten times after we picked him up if he was making out with any girls, because Taylor told me he had planned to kiss his girlfriend in the bathroom. (eye roll) This conversation prompted a more detailed Q&A about sex education...to which I was horrified in a "saw your parents doing it" kind of way as they asked me the following questions and made the following statements:

"How do men masturbate?"
"Do women spurt anything out when they come?" (How they knew the term "come", I will never know. But I had NIGHTMARES, people.)
"Is there a mens birth control pill?"
"Men wear condoms...which are rubber things that go over your weiner."
"I know I am too young to think about sex, Mom...my weiner is too small."
"I hear you and Daddy in your bedroom, and I know what you are doing when you close the door."

I am so screwed. Please Lord, let me make it to my 40s before becoming a grandmother.

Things that are bullshit…

Tweens are bullshit.

They should either be cute babies that can’t talk, or teenagers that just want your car and are never home. Tweens are stuck in the house and can’t leave without you taking them. They also require constant reminding about the need to bathe, and why it’s not a good idea to spray paint their skateboard on my living room carpet. The word “tween” just gives me a migraine.

Constantly emerging technology is bullshit.

Every time I buy a new phone, computer or video game console, it’s outdated nanoseconds later. (Nanoseconds are bullshit too, mostly because I don’t know what they are.) By the time I figure out how to answer my phone, the calls are missed…and screw 3-D technology. Who said I want company? If people are coming out of my tv, they better come with a mop and a broom and get to work.

Diets are bullshit. My dream food pyramid consists of the following:

1. Cream, cheese and butter

2. Bread and potatoes

3. Meat

4. Vegetables dipped in cream, butter and/or salt

And people who have an issue with that are bullshit too, as well as stupid people who say they are just big boned. You are not big-boned. You are fat because you have poor genetics and your parents didn't bother to steer you in the right direction, or because you eat like a pig. Either way, own your dysfunction. I choose to eat bigger helpings than I should, and I know that. But... believe me, if I HAVE to run or fight off a burglar, I have a MUCH better chance than some bone-thin ho. Weight is on my side. Plus, I have boobs.

Upstate NY is bullshit.

Only bad things have happened to me in upstate NY in my life. First I get knocked up at 16 to a dumbass in upstate NY (I begrudgingly take responsibility for this issue because I was smart enough to KNOW I should use birth control. He was just a moron.) Then I move here as an adult, and it’s boring as hell. The idiots who actually like it here should be gathered up and dumped on an island of snow and given shotguns with an unlimited supply of ammo.

Traveling is bullshit.

I don’t mean the actual trip. I mean getting to and from. We were clearly lied to, because StarTrek told me circa 1985, that there would be teleportation by now. Who wants some smelly stranger sitting on your lap when you fly and have to pay $5 for a mini bag of nuts, and who wants to be trapped in a metal box with your kids beating each other in the car for 2,000 hours? Flying cars, Stargates…I don’t give a crap. Stop making cell phones that morph in to hotdog tongs and invent something worthy and helpful.

Cleaning is bullshit.

I don’t have the energy left after fighting with my kids to get up for school, going to work and making dinner to worry about laundry and cleaning too. My philosophy is either move, or throw everything out and buy new stuff. You think I’m kidding? I buy new stuff every 3 years when I move!!! I really do clean, but it’s bullshit because I have to do it. The alternative is an episode of “Hoarders” which is enough to give my clean-freak husband a heart attack. I don’t know what I would do if my husband was a lazy sack of turds like a lot of men I know.

Brooke Burke and Kim Kardashian selling fat people, exercise shoes are bullshit.

Your marketing people SUCK. They were skinny and fit to begin with! If you want to convince me to go buy a pair of $130, orthopedic-looking sneakers because it will tone my butt and thighs, then show me a before and after picture of someone who looks like a real woman (and by real, I mean ANY FREAKEN WOMAN OFF A NORMAL AMERICAN STREET) and how she got skinny wearing your ugly shoes. Because this sister isn’t buying it.

Men who have no ambition and say they are going to be a stay at home parent when the kids are in school all day are bullshit.

Especially after they rack up $60k+ in student loans to get a degree and then do nothing to contribute to paying them off. I have no issues with a stay at home dad, but then you better do what a woman would be doing. If you are my husband, and a stay at home parent, then my house better be clean, dishes and grocery shopping done, and bills paid. The shit better GLISTEN. I better not ever have to schedule a dentist appt or take the dogs to the vet again. Chicks who fall for this kind of loser are bullshit too. Get some self-esteem and kick him to the curb. (Yes, I know someone in this situation.)




Please help a sister out!!! I was nominated on Babble's Top 50 Mom Blogs List. So can you please take two minutes and click here: http://www.babble.com/babble-50/mommy-bloggers/nominate-a-blogger/index.aspx then scroll down to "Glamorous Life" (on the second page) and click on the "like" button.