Monday, June 13, 2011

Duct tape should be a gift given at baby showers for expectant mothers...

Not necessarily for when they are babies, although I have seen many out in public that would've given me a pause on having children. Thankfully, my kids were good babies, or I probably wouldn't have had more than one.

But when they get to be around, say...11 going on 21, duct tape is the first thing that comes to mind in a "New Mother's Toolkit".

We have officially begun the "everything is about me, and driving me around pre-teen years."

Gavin had his first school dance Friday night. I got home from work, and he was "G'd" up, hair moussed and shirt inappropriately unbuttoned halfway down his bony, pale chest. No T-shirt underneath. And his most ripped up, yet clean, skinny jeans. Thankfully, he IS skinny...but men should not wear skinny jeans. Clearly, I think he is making serious fashion faux pas.

We drove him out to the school to drop him off, where he made us park far enough back that no one could see my rockin sport utility wagon, OR me. They had the dance outside, which I have never seen done before...nor have I seen so many scary looking middle schoolers. When I was in school, there was one or two fat kids. At THIS school, there were too many to count.

As a "curvy" adult woman, I know it's a struggle to lose weight. But there is no excuse for most kids to be fat. That falls on the parents to make them get out and exercise and control what they eat. My son Taylor has gone through chunky stages...but I stop buying junk and started buying healthy snacks and limiting portion sizes. It just really makes me mad, because kids have it hard enough as it is...they don't need their weight giving them problems too.

Anyway, I had to ask Gavin about ten times after we picked him up if he was making out with any girls, because Taylor told me he had planned to kiss his girlfriend in the bathroom. (eye roll) This conversation prompted a more detailed Q&A about sex which I was horrified in a "saw your parents doing it" kind of way as they asked me the following questions and made the following statements:

"How do men masturbate?"
"Do women spurt anything out when they come?" (How they knew the term "come", I will never know. But I had NIGHTMARES, people.)
"Is there a mens birth control pill?"
"Men wear condoms...which are rubber things that go over your weiner."
"I know I am too young to think about sex, weiner is too small."
"I hear you and Daddy in your bedroom, and I know what you are doing when you close the door."

I am so screwed. Please Lord, let me make it to my 40s before becoming a grandmother.


  1. OH MY GOD. I'm nervous just reading your blog, and I don't even have children yet!! LOL

    Have you seen Bridesmaids?

    "I literally broke the blanket in half, IN HALF"

    : )

  2. Hahahahahaha, the close the door comment killed me. My son may only be almost 7, but you have given me a glimpse of what I'm in for. Oh the horror!!

  3. Holy living shit. If my 9 yr old weren't sitting nearby pouting and whining, I could more fully comment. But my time is limited as her pouting grows to a crescendo... 1 - fat kids. Yes -- totally with you. As a thin person, it is hard to say these things without sounding/seeming judgmental, but for all the reasons you state above -- it is wrong. It is almost child abuse. No one says kids need to be skinny. But they SHOULD NOT BE FAT, unless there is some medical condition beyond "my parents are afraid to be parents and take control of my food and my eating and educating me about health." It TOTALLY falls on the parents. Sometimes I think our culture is now so fucking p.c. on EVERY FUCKING FRONT, that we are doing some reverse bullshit fear-motivated psychology thing where we're so worried about making our kids feel self-conscious about their weight (ie trying to teach them not to focus on superficial shit) that we've totally forgotten about HEALTH; that weight is a part of that. Why is everything black or white? Fat or thin? How about just being moderate? It really pisses me off.

    People are so eager for the easy way out and to avoid blame or responsibility that they make excuses, and their kids are suffering. If I had a dime for every time someone unhappy with their weight felt the need to just start barfing up (unbidden and unrequested, trust me) their "reasons" for why they're not thinner as a response to my obvious thinness, (I've been an athlete my entire life, and while I definitely eat junk food, I've also been a pretty health eater as well... I am not "just born like this" people.) I'd been fucking rich.

    Sorry... got off on a rant. that's just one of my pet peeves.

    As for your kids and the whole sex thing -- scary as fuck. But really -- the good news? Your kids TALK TO YOU. They say that stuff to you, which means you have done an awesome awesome job. You know what other kids are saying and doing because your kids will tell you.

    Sometimes I feel like my daughter tells me too much. She confides in me her every thought. I definitely prefer that to the opposite possibility. but every now and then I just wanna put earplugs in and be oblivious. Knowledge is power, but it also freaks you out.

    But in the end -- you're way better off. So great that you still get input into their lives! (though maybe you and your husband should be a little quieter in the future...?) hahaha.

  4. I have a 13 yr old daughter, so I feel your pain! She sometimes asks questions/confides in me. And I've been asked the occasional question that causes me to think "how the hell do you even know about THAT?!" But I'll take that over the alternative of not talking to me at all about these things. FYI, our kids know more about sex (thanks in part to the internet and/or their friends) than we would ever imagine.
    Hopefully in 8-10 yrs we'll all look back on this laugh!

    Jaden and seth have asked and said some things, too. So we showed them a condom and said you can't have sex until your penis is big enough to fit in here. Let's hope it works LOL