Perhaps the biggest horror in all this mess, is that I have been so fucked in my head, that I have found myself referencing movies.
I could die of the humiliation from that alone.
I compared my rebirth from this to when Gandalf died in Lord of the Rings and came back as the White Wizard. Yes. I actually said that out loud. My shame is so great. I almost want to cheat on myself for saying that.
I told my husband that we would be like Forrest Gump and Bubba, and lean on each other to keep our heads out of the mud when we sleep. (I have to laugh at this one…it’s too damn funny.)
I watched “Under the Tuscan Sun” about 5 times…each time, growing more sure I was going to somehow write a book, sell it, find Sandra Oh and make her my best friend, and then we were going to buy and refurbish a villa in Italy. I even looked up information on moving to Italy. Also, Costa Rica and Brazil. How do these women on movies manage to not have financial problems when getting divorced??? It really pisses me off, although, had I had funds at my disposal, I very well may have run off to Italy. My poorness is sometimes the only thing that keeps me from acting spontaneously. (okay, okay, I am not poor. Just not as rich as I think I should be.)
On the advice of one of my BFFs, I am taping a new series on the Oprah Winfrey Network (yeah, I just threw up a little in my mouth) called Stories of Infidelity and Betrayal. It’s on Monday nights at 9pm. We watched the first one last night. (I find it absolutely amusing that I can get Andy to watch something on the Oprah Network out of sheer guilt, and I intend to use it to my advantage. Today it’s Oprah, tomorrow it’s Dr Phil, next week, it’s Lifetime Movies)
Anyway, it was actually interesting and helpful. It was also encouraging to see that the couples on there took 6 months or more to come to the place we are at 6 weeks after the event. And we have answered a lot of the same questions without the help of a licensed professional…although we are going to seek that for other reasons.
My friends have been great through this…so great. No one knows what the hell to say to me. I was actually really hoping people would start showing up with casseroles, so I wouldn’t have to cook for my kids, because I don’t feel like doing a damn thing around the house. It was hard to even tell anyone…to have the words leave my lips because then it was real. I hate feeling like they think I am making a mistake because I want to be sure of my decision. But I am not sure about anything. I have no idea if I am really making the smartest choice here…In fact, I am probably NOT making the smartest choice. The only way to guarantee never feeling this kind of pain again is to never get in a relationship again. But it’s not realistic.
Could I make an easier choice, sure…if you call it easy. I don’t think any of my options were easy. So I am going with what I feel. If I change my mind down the road, it’s not like I am any worse off. It’s important to have support, even if you are making a dumb choice. No one really knows what is going to happen in the end…Did you know only 30% of marriages survive infidelity?
That ain’t good.
There is a lot that is “not good” when it comes to my future. But I am not really trapped either, so I can always get out if the going gets too tough. But I think I am doing the right thing, so I am gonna keep at it. I panic at least 3 times a day…”What the hell am I doing?” I let details of the events take me under, over and over again. I have to wage war on my own brain constantly. I’m terrified. I am so scared, like I have never been scared before. It’s like learning to swim again after you almost drowned. I don’t want to let go of the wall yet. I need floaties, a damn noodle…SOMETHING. I need my husband standing there, telling me he won’t let me fall again, but I don’t believe him…I can’t let myself believe any words yet. And so there is nothing to make me feel better but brief moments of distraction. Ironically, he was looking for a distraction from his stress and that’s what caused all this in the first place. Now I need the distraction. I wish it were just as simple as that.