Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Check yo self, before you wreck yo self

This has been odd. Strange. Weird. Surreal. Poignant. Thought-provoking. Life-changing. Awe-inpiring.

It’s been insane.

I’ve struggled to find something solid to cling to.

I wake up every day with the same feeling. Like I am treading water in the middle of an ocean, searching for something to keep me afloat. It’s not a good way to wake up. It’s like, “Oh, yeah…I remember.” And then I struggle to remind myself of the few things I know for sure.

I know for sure he loves me.

I know for sure I love him.

I know he believes he will never do it again.

I know that in order to be whole, I have to do this.

I know that I will survive and one day, be happy again.

Right now, Happiness comes in small increments. Maybe a minute, or two, or ten. Maybe twenty, if I am properly distracted. Those brief glimpses give me something to keep fighting for more of. Makes me know it’s possible.

I find it interesting that I have never looked better in my life, at the same time my life was leveled. I have lost over 40 lbs. My hair is super long, and I look smokin hot. My abs look almost cut. I liked myself in a dress for the first time in 12 years. When I lay down, my pants gap out from my stomach. And I feel my hip bones pretty clearly. I’ve also lost 3 cup sizes from my chest….which has made my back hurt less. And I had it to spare. It’s justice, in a way…he can look at me and think, “wow, I almost lost THAT. I am a fucking fool.” Shit….I look at myself and think, “Wow, he almost lost this…He’s a fucking fool.”

I know he can’t do better.

And so, I am going to get boudoir photos done. I have always wanted to, and I guess a mid-life crisis is as good a time as any, and I better do it before things start to go further south. I’ve been asking myself, “Why not” instead of “why” lately. Instead of “should I?” it’s been “why don’t I?” Plus, they airbrush the shit out of them and make me look tan instead of a pasty death-white. They even do your hair and makeup. I may take out a billboard if they are good enough so that an appropriate amount of people see them for the money I am about to pay. Screw the “should”….if it’s not destructive. Instead of what I am supposed to do, I am doing what I want to do.

And that includes renewing my wedding vows.

I am superstitious about some things.

When we got engaged, I hated the ring. It’s not me at all. But I’ve tolerated it. Not anymore…I traded that bad boy in for the ring set I wanted last weekend. Woot Woot!

When we got married, I let my mom handle most of the details. I was 19 for fucks sake. I didn’t know anything. This time, I am getting married outside, in a park, by water, with the wind blowing around me. My dress is black and white. My veil is also black and white. Because it is symbolic of the yin and the yang of things. There is bad in all good, and good in all bad. And because I am something of a badass and don’t want to be traditional. Yes folks, I am a rebel. That drives a sport utility wagon. (Don’t you ever call it a minivan!)

We originally were going to get married in June, so I need to do this in June. Right the wrongs. His father and step-mother weren’t there, so this time, they will be.

This time, we will do it the right way. The way it should have been done.
Do I feel like a bit of an ass, renewing my vows NOW???

Yes. I most certainly do. It’s not an optimal situation. But it also requires a symbolic display, in front of our friends and family, of our commitment to each other. And so I need to do it. And I realize hardly anyone will come, and that sucks. But even if it’s just him, me and God, then that’s good enough for me.


  1. Good for you!!
    ps I've considered doing the boudoir photos but I really don't think I'm capable of posing in a way that wouldn't look totally awkward.

  2. You are one brave bitch, in so so so many ways! You are strong enough to be vulnerable and strong enough to be honest and strong enough to face risks and challenges head-on. Pretty amazing shit, really. I think it is very cool that you're renewing your vows. while it is a very ballsy thing that many people won't understand, nor would they be able to do themselves even if they COULD understand, I do think it makes total sense. What a great symbolic way to say -- this is the beginning of a new chapter. I'm not sure I could handle the situation the same way you are. I probably would've told my husband to go fuck himself (as I'm sure you did at some point), but I don't know what would come after that. I don't know if I'd have it in me to do what you're doing, though I really do get what you're doing and why.

    I often ask myself what I would do if he cheated on me. I know that just because someone cheats, it really often has nothing to do with not loving their spouse. Especially for guys. There are so many motivations for cheating, and many aren't at all a reflection of the person being cheated on. Really I think it's a reflection of the one doing the cheating, and something they're going through, and which could've easily manifested in some other way, like drinking too much or doing drugs, or acting out in other ways.

    Anyway, I fucking applaud you, babe! You have come out of this looking good on the inside and out. Despite your badass language, your have been a model of grace and dignity and integrity. and I wish I lived closer so I could attend your wedding!

    And congrats on being a hottie! I know you worked really hard for that as well. Sounds like a new time of life for you in a lot of ways. May it all just keeping getting better and better! Let us know when you put up those billboards and become a blogging supermodel!

    (And definitely tell us about the boudoir photos! Wanna hear how that goes...)

  3. Happy dances, smiles, and hugs!

  4. "Screw the “should”….if it’s not destructive. Instead of what I am supposed to do, I am doing what I want to do." Way to go, make it work for you. Also, your grace and courage are commendable.

  5. I think there is no better time to renew your vows. It sounds beautiful.

    And the Boudoir Photos, I have been hoping to get some of them for my dh too (and for me). Cause if we're so friggin hot, there should be documentation!

    Don't feel guilty or ass-like for your timing, be proud of yourself. You are overcoming, and that's the best time to re-committ the way YOU want.
    If I lived wherever you do, I'd be there, lurking!

  6. I did photos about a year ago with good friends & it was so fun!! Our photographer brought wine & cheese to snack on & all the other ladies in our group laughed so hard. It was one of my favorite afternoons ever!
    Goodluck with everything,I hope you have the wedding of your dreams!!