This has been odd. Strange. Weird. Surreal. Poignant. Thought-provoking. Life-changing. Awe-inpiring.
It’s been insane.
I’ve struggled to find something solid to cling to.
I wake up every day with the same feeling. Like I am treading water in the middle of an ocean, searching for something to keep me afloat. It’s not a good way to wake up. It’s like, “Oh, yeah…I remember.” And then I struggle to remind myself of the few things I know for sure.
I know for sure he loves me.
I know for sure I love him.
I know he believes he will never do it again.
I know that in order to be whole, I have to do this.
I know that I will survive and one day, be happy again.
Right now, Happiness comes in small increments. Maybe a minute, or two, or ten. Maybe twenty, if I am properly distracted. Those brief glimpses give me something to keep fighting for more of. Makes me know it’s possible.
I find it interesting that I have never looked better in my life, at the same time my life was leveled. I have lost over 40 lbs. My hair is super long, and I look smokin hot. My abs look almost cut. I liked myself in a dress for the first time in 12 years. When I lay down, my pants gap out from my stomach. And I feel my hip bones pretty clearly. I’ve also lost 3 cup sizes from my chest….which has made my back hurt less. And I had it to spare. It’s justice, in a way…he can look at me and think, “wow, I almost lost THAT. I am a fucking fool.” Shit….I look at myself and think, “Wow, he almost lost this…He’s a fucking fool.”
I know he can’t do better.
And so, I am going to get boudoir photos done. I have always wanted to, and I guess a mid-life crisis is as good a time as any, and I better do it before things start to go further south. I’ve been asking myself, “Why not” instead of “why” lately. Instead of “should I?” it’s been “why don’t I?” Plus, they airbrush the shit out of them and make me look tan instead of a pasty death-white. They even do your hair and makeup. I may take out a billboard if they are good enough so that an appropriate amount of people see them for the money I am about to pay. Screw the “should”….if it’s not destructive. Instead of what I am supposed to do, I am doing what I want to do.
And that includes renewing my wedding vows.
I am superstitious about some things.
When we got engaged, I hated the ring. It’s not me at all. But I’ve tolerated it. Not anymore…I traded that bad boy in for the ring set I wanted last weekend. Woot Woot!
When we got married, I let my mom handle most of the details. I was 19 for fucks sake. I didn’t know anything. This time, I am getting married outside, in a park, by water, with the wind blowing around me. My dress is black and white. My veil is also black and white. Because it is symbolic of the yin and the yang of things. There is bad in all good, and good in all bad. And because I am something of a badass and don’t want to be traditional. Yes folks, I am a rebel. That drives a sport utility wagon. (Don’t you ever call it a minivan!)
We originally were going to get married in June, so I need to do this in June. Right the wrongs. His father and step-mother weren’t there, so this time, they will be.
This time, we will do it the right way. The way it should have been done.
Do I feel like a bit of an ass, renewing my vows NOW???
Yes. I most certainly do. It’s not an optimal situation. But it also requires a symbolic display, in front of our friends and family, of our commitment to each other. And so I need to do it. And I realize hardly anyone will come, and that sucks. But even if it’s just him, me and God, then that’s good enough for me.