Tuesday, June 21, 2011

What is normal?

I will probably not get to see the President...sounds like it's going to be a rushed appearance...very cloak-and-dagger.

The kind of event you need a Purple Heart or other war recognition.

Unfortunately (or fortunately!) I don't have any of those, nor does my husband. We are average. Nothing outstanding to see, people. So we don't warrant a special meeting with the Prez.

Oh well.

Things have been very up and down lately. I have intense feelings of forgiveness when I go to bed, only to have that ripped to shreds by bad dreams through the night, to wake up scared and unsure again.

I try to take my obsessive, unproductive thoughts (flashback images of my husband doing things that are not good, nagging questions that I don't know if I trust the answers he gives or if I just doubt that I am credible enough to myself to believe them) and I stuff them in a mental trashbag and lock them away. I am getting better at blocking this stuff out. But it takes time and a concerted effort to do.

I am my own worst enemy. I wage a war on two fronts...one with my relationship and one with myself. I will win because I have to. Living in fear is not optional. I am not acting like my demons don't exist, because they do. Somehow, people want to give me advice to not think about any of it and put it out of my head. Just think about something else. Ha. What else is there? This is my life. But they don't see that in order to conquer it, I must face it head on and defeat it. I don't want to be in denial that I am okay, because I would just be leaving myself open for a mental breakdown in the future, or a divorce.

The pain from this is searing. But I feel awake. I notice how much I was sleeping for the past two years in my life. I was numb and complacent. I am determined to never let myself go back to that mental state that I think everything is okay. Sometimes, I guess it takes almost dying to appreciate life. There are silver linings to this mess. And this is one of them. I have a new appreciation for living and doing things better.

I understand Buddha now. I feel enlightened by embracing my pain, working through it, making changes and accepting the way things were. But they don't have to remain that way for the rest of my life. I have power to change them and be a better person in my relationship, as my husband does. Now we are free to just be who we are honestly. I feel like my husband sees me as a whole for the first time, and I see there is so much more to him. I am not at this understanding all the time...I regress during the day. But in dealing with my emotions rather than shoving it in a corner of my mind, I lessen the chances I will be caught off guard again or damaged by my own insecurities.

Am I torturing myself? I very easily could be. The difference is pushing out the unproductive thoughts, and dealing with the productive ones. It's actually a very good exercise in meditation, and something I needed to do anyway, because my stress level was out of control, thinking about things I cannot change and/or have no control over. Those are what I have to let go.

It's hard to trust again, but not as hard as I thought it would be. I already have glimmers of trust. Part of me knows I will never be as devastated as I was. The kind of hurt I felt initially will never happen to me again, because it was a loss of innocence in our marriage. That is gone, and it's sad. But it was glossy, and kept a film over seeing what is real. Does it feel better to be deluded? HELL YES IT DOES. But once you have the wool removed from your eyes, you can either choose to put yourself back in a situation where you continue to delude yourself, or see life through clear glasses. If you look at things for what they are, and accept changes that need to be made, then you can be whole again down the road.

My husband could hurt me again because I choose to stay. But he will never hurt me again like he did, because it's not possible. And now I know it won't kill me and I won't go crazy. And if he does hurt me again, I will leave him and take away the power to do any more damage.

Again...I know everyone who is not going through a trauma like this right now is reading this and thinking "SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY. YOU ARE NOT INTERESTING WHEN YOU ARE ALL INTROSPECTIVE AND SHIT."

Yeah, I know. I have time for funny later. Right now, I am trying to get this crap out for the people who have commented or emailed me that they too, were going through a hard time. Because I have been searching far and wide online for SOMETHING to guide me through this crap and let me know I am not alone. So I am leaving my trail of breadcrumbs here so other people have that comfort too. I can't tell you what to do. All I can tell you is what I am doing and why.

If you feel uncomfortable with my pain, then take a break from me if I talk about this. Recovery IS talking about it. And I need to be selfish to recover, even if it is at the expense of someone else's comfort level. So do as I am doing, and get over it. It happened. I won't pretend it didn't to make you feel better. It doesn't make ME feel better to ignore it.

That being said, I am planning on having a fantastic weekend this weekend with my friends and family. This weekend is about celebrating and the future. And I can't wait.


  1. I don't even a little bit wanna take a break. I like reading even when you're not hilarious.


    No way! I hardly comment, but I've been reading every last word since following your blog (about 5 entries prior to this unfortunate fiasco). And I never, ever tire of your insight. I've never been through a situation where my spouse has been unfaithful, but I do know pain, and I know how important it is to work through that pain and learn to forgive. I two fathers, a biological and step that have both damaged me in separate ways. I have every right to hate them and want nothing to do with them, but what I'm learning and it seems to be what you're learning, hate like that only hurts yourself. And it is a heavy burden that'll eat at you if you continue to let it. You are an awesome, strong person and I seriously wish you and your husband success in your marriage. And above all, happiness in YOUR life.

  3. Meditation was the word that popped into my mind even before you used it in this post. Because it looks to me like that's similar to what you are already doing.

    I've head meditation described as getting to know yourself. By watching your thoughts and not judging them harshly, I think you are discovering powerful truths that will help you weather whatever comes along for the rest of your life.

    Being funny is fine, and you do that like a real pro. I'm one of those who appreciates whatever you have to write. Sure, it's helping you to verbalize what's going on, but it's definitely instructive for anyone listening.

    Have a wonderful weekend.