So I know...I vanished for the past two weeks. I'm sorry to scare you with my abrupt absence.
I had a little bit of a breakdown. I lost my bananas, stayed in bed for two days, screamed at my husband and mildly attacked him physically (no visable wounds) and cried a whole bunch.
And then I left him on my birthday. Got in the car Wednesday, told him I'd be home Monday, but that I was done with him. Left him with the kids so I could do whatever I wanted to do.
I went to my sister's for a night and then to one of my best friend's for a night. And thought a lot. And felt a lot.
And then I went home on Friday.
I didn't tell him I was coming. I actually messed with him a little, via text, and insinuated I was going to see "an old friend", which I knew would translate in to "a man I used to date", and it worked and freaked him out. I walked in to my house and found him shaking, clutching his phone, frantically trying to get me to answer mine.
I know...that was mean.
I figured out I want to be with him because I love him. And if I found out I was dying tomorrow, that none of this would matter. If, like Japan, we were hit with some crazy natural disasters, all I would want is him. We all do dumb things. I get that. It's how you handle it after the fact, and honestly, this whole thing has been so traumatic, if he ever did it again, he would be so stupid that he wouldn't even be worthy of another tear from me.
So we are renewing our vows sometime this month, and taking the kids camping for 4th of July weekend. Because you need things to look forward to in life. I can't bear to sit around and mope anymore. I have crappy days...actually yesterday and today really sucked. But the majority of last week, the sick, stomach-twisting feeling I was plagued with for 5 weeks, finally subsided and I felt (gasp) normal again.
And then I felt weird being normal.
I don't know how long it will take to actually be able to exist without this situation hanging over me. A few years....but my situation is a bit complex. Then again, aren't they all? So in the meantime, I am going to do what I want to do and just live my life. What else can I do? There are no more tears left in me. I found out last week my grandmother has cancer. This is a woman who is like my own mother, but better because she spoiled me rotten!!! I couldn't even cry. I have no more left in me. I would love to lay in bed...but I know that's depression talking. My exhaustion is better than it was because I finally got some sleep last week. But I am still tired and drained.
On the plus side, Pirates was excellent and I actually prefer Penelope Cruz as the leading lady over Keira Knightly with Johnny Depp. Thor was not exactly anything to write home over, but the kids liked it and it gave me some eye candy. It was thrilling to sit in the car for two hours with my sons, BEFORE THE MOVIE EVEN STARTED!!! (Eye roll.)After 6 arguments, 2 minor slap-fests and a choreographed dance routine by the boys, the show got on the road and then afterwards, at 3am, while we were 40 minutes from home, my car wouldn't turn on because my battery was dead.
And what did I do? Swear, sigh and laugh.
It pretty much sums me up lately.