Every day is so up and down.
Just when I think I am making progress, I fall backwards. I know it's going to be that way for a long time. I just can't help but be disappointed. And it pisses me off a little at myself for not being tougher. Then I realize how much energy it is pulling out of my body just to get out of bed in the morning, and I back off beating myself up.
Andy has to go to the field for a week after we go camping. It scares the crap out of me. I made it through a 24 hour duty two weeks ago, where he didn't come home. I had a beer and watched "Under the Tuscan Sun." I went to a happy place, and I fell asleep quite nicely. But I knew he was coming home the next morning. This time, he will be gone from Wednesday to Wednesday. That's a lot of time to not have a physical reassurance. It's not going to be pretty. He's not gonna be too good either. By the time we get home from work every day, we need to just lay down and hold each other to calm down from the damage our own brains inflict upon us. I guess it's good practice for when i go to California next month. I am so excited to go. I just want to be able to have fun, and not be afraid I will freak out a little bit. Trying to get that under control.
I may need a refill on my Xanax. I have done PRETTY WELL with not taking the Xanax, I will have you know. In fact, I haven't taken one for over a week. I am taking Zoloft every day...I'm no robot. I need chemical help for this shit.
On the upside, I have to say...I feel MUCH better than I did a month ago. The hardest thing about the first 6 weeks, was that the bad feelings didn't ever go away. I felt horrible 24/7. I was desperate to do anything to feel better. Like, in a "sell my soul to the devil" kind of way. That was truly scary. But then it started to settle, and as it did, I was able to start sorting out thoughts and feelings in a manageable way. And it gets better every week. Now, I not only hope that I will be happy again, I actually have periods of happiness already. Smiling helps. One of the meditation exercises actually makes you close your eyes, breathe in, and when you breathe out, Smile. Yeah, you feel like a douchebag, but after you do this enough times, the realization you LOOK like a douchebag makes you smile, and even laugh. So you really do feel better, although, I don't know if they intended you to think about being a douchebag.
I have to go grocery shopping tonight and get a pedicure. My last pedicure was the weekend before "D-Day", in anticipation of Andy coming home. I got my nails painted black with white flowers. Never painted my nails black before. Maybe it was an omen. Anyway, now I can see how much they have grown since this happened. It's a visable distance of how far I have come. Sounds dumb...but today I am ready to move forward.