Despite all that has happened in my life, I haven't lost hope. I would like to consider myself a realist, but I have enough childish imagination left to dream about the ways in which my life will improve as I heal. Even without those things, I feel guilty for even falling apart, since there is still so much that I have, when others don't.
I have the most wonderful friends anyone could ask for. Some, I have had for 20+ years. They know me, listen to all my bullshit, they support me even when they have no idea if what I am doing is right, and they love me unconditionally. I have newer friends, my readers and people who were acquaintances who have shown me that they see something special in me, and have helped me to keep the motivation to keep going.
I have two amazing sons, who I love more every day. They make me laugh, roll my eyes, and swear a lot. But even when I wonder why I had children, I watch them learn and make decisions, and it facinates me.
I have a large, extended family that have shown me, in ways I may have doubted before, that they love me. Even when you don't always get along, doesn't mean you don't have someones back.
I have a lovely home, with things...but I realize more now that those things don't matter as much as I thought they did. I don't sleep on the ground, I don't starve, and I can provide my children with the things they need. Half the world can't even do those things. And my kids are worried about getting an XBox! I don't go to sleep at night and worry about being homeless. I have a job, which in this economy is a blessing.
I also have a chance to have the marriage I thought I did. I have the chance to live the rest of my life with him, and overcome obstacles together, rather than separately. We have a chance to be stronger because of this, and really let each other in.
I've also learned a lot about myself. What am I made of? It's so much easier to run away from this...avoid feeling pain and heartache, tough conversations...just go numb and move on. It would've been so much easier to walk out the door and start a new life. I really wanted to. I always thought I would if this ever happened. But I guess I am more than I thought I could be. The thing that made the difference, is that I see what he is going through, and I see his physical pain. I see how he tortures himself with what he did, and that he was the cause of this mess because he was weak. It makes it easier to forgive him, because I know he may not ever forgive himself. If I caused this, I know what I would feel, and that he has to be hurting more than I am. He didn't blame me...he accepted responsibility. He apologizes daily, as tears come out of his eyes. This man who is so strong and unemotional for 14 years has been reduced for the past two months to a mess. When you see that break, you don't doubt the pain and agony they feel. If he didn't look like this, I wouldn't believe his words. But I am seeing a man who is unraveled and broken. And that does something to me. I feel pain for his pain.
How selfish would I be, to sit and feel sorry for myself? What a waste of time. It would be disgusting. My prayers aren't even enough for God to waste his time answering, when there is so much more going on in the world.
So I will be grateful for what I have. All that I have.
Next week, I will be going back to my old format...life. Not this emotional melodrama. So thanks for sticking with me until I could get out of this headtrip, and get back to the land of the living.
Have a great weekend! I know I will.