Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Things that are bullshit…

Tweens are bullshit.

They should either be cute babies that can’t talk, or teenagers that just want your car and are never home. Tweens are stuck in the house and can’t leave without you taking them. They also require constant reminding about the need to bathe, and why it’s not a good idea to spray paint their skateboard on my living room carpet. The word “tween” just gives me a migraine.

Constantly emerging technology is bullshit.

Every time I buy a new phone, computer or video game console, it’s outdated nanoseconds later. (Nanoseconds are bullshit too, mostly because I don’t know what they are.) By the time I figure out how to answer my phone, the calls are missed…and screw 3-D technology. Who said I want company? If people are coming out of my tv, they better come with a mop and a broom and get to work.

Diets are bullshit. My dream food pyramid consists of the following:

1. Cream, cheese and butter

2. Bread and potatoes

3. Meat

4. Vegetables dipped in cream, butter and/or salt

And people who have an issue with that are bullshit too, as well as stupid people who say they are just big boned. You are not big-boned. You are fat because you have poor genetics and your parents didn't bother to steer you in the right direction, or because you eat like a pig. Either way, own your dysfunction. I choose to eat bigger helpings than I should, and I know that. But... believe me, if I HAVE to run or fight off a burglar, I have a MUCH better chance than some bone-thin ho. Weight is on my side. Plus, I have boobs.

Upstate NY is bullshit.

Only bad things have happened to me in upstate NY in my life. First I get knocked up at 16 to a dumbass in upstate NY (I begrudgingly take responsibility for this issue because I was smart enough to KNOW I should use birth control. He was just a moron.) Then I move here as an adult, and it’s boring as hell. The idiots who actually like it here should be gathered up and dumped on an island of snow and given shotguns with an unlimited supply of ammo.

Traveling is bullshit.

I don’t mean the actual trip. I mean getting to and from. We were clearly lied to, because StarTrek told me circa 1985, that there would be teleportation by now. Who wants some smelly stranger sitting on your lap when you fly and have to pay $5 for a mini bag of nuts, and who wants to be trapped in a metal box with your kids beating each other in the car for 2,000 hours? Flying cars, Stargates…I don’t give a crap. Stop making cell phones that morph in to hotdog tongs and invent something worthy and helpful.

Cleaning is bullshit.

I don’t have the energy left after fighting with my kids to get up for school, going to work and making dinner to worry about laundry and cleaning too. My philosophy is either move, or throw everything out and buy new stuff. You think I’m kidding? I buy new stuff every 3 years when I move!!! I really do clean, but it’s bullshit because I have to do it. The alternative is an episode of “Hoarders” which is enough to give my clean-freak husband a heart attack. I don’t know what I would do if my husband was a lazy sack of turds like a lot of men I know.

Brooke Burke and Kim Kardashian selling fat people, exercise shoes are bullshit.

Your marketing people SUCK. They were skinny and fit to begin with! If you want to convince me to go buy a pair of $130, orthopedic-looking sneakers because it will tone my butt and thighs, then show me a before and after picture of someone who looks like a real woman (and by real, I mean ANY FREAKEN WOMAN OFF A NORMAL AMERICAN STREET) and how she got skinny wearing your ugly shoes. Because this sister isn’t buying it.

Men who have no ambition and say they are going to be a stay at home parent when the kids are in school all day are bullshit.

Especially after they rack up $60k+ in student loans to get a degree and then do nothing to contribute to paying them off. I have no issues with a stay at home dad, but then you better do what a woman would be doing. If you are my husband, and a stay at home parent, then my house better be clean, dishes and grocery shopping done, and bills paid. The shit better GLISTEN. I better not ever have to schedule a dentist appt or take the dogs to the vet again. Chicks who fall for this kind of loser are bullshit too. Get some self-esteem and kick him to the curb. (Yes, I know someone in this situation.)

Please help a sister out!!! I was nominated on Babble's Top 50 Mom Blogs List. So can you please take two minutes and click here: http://www.babble.com/babble-50/mommy-bloggers/nominate-a-blogger/index.aspx then scroll down to "Glamorous Life" (on the second page) and click on the "like" button.


  1. The exercise shoes had me rolling. I want more proof too before I'd buy those fugly shoes. I also agree with cleaning being bullshit. Especially in a house of all males when I can clearly aim when I pee, yet I'm the one who scrubs the bathrooms. WTF?

  2. I loved waking up to this post, since I woke up pretty much feeling like "Life" is bullshit. Secondly -- getting up at the crack of dawn, as you clearly did to post this thing so freakin' early, is also bullshit. Get some sleep, girl! Hoping you weren't still up from the day before, 'cause unless it's because you were partying like a rock star, that's also bullshit.
    Other bullshit things --
    1- robots on the phone. get a real fucking person. unless it's (see #2 below:)
    2 - people from india on the phone. I have an american problem, I need an american to handle it. Not racist, but just like we're supposed to buy locally grown vegetables, I'd like someone locally grown to handle my fucking local issue. and if you're living in India, you shouldn't have an American handling your problem, nor a robot. Get it? Stop fucking outsourcing life.
    3 - "reality" shows. like they're not fucking scripted and edited. people -- PUH-leeze! some are fun, but the rest are like watching trainwrecks and have the power to mesmerize my kids and make them dumber by the second. (that's assuming I catch them trying to watch them while I've been in another part of the house)
    4 - overscheduling kids these days. what. the. fuck. what happened to: go outside and play. why isn't that good enough? why are we preparing our kids to be overworked and overstressed out.
    5 - Mommy bloggers who act like they suffer like the rest of us while also acting like they're martha fucking stewart. are you TRYING to make me feel like an inadequate loser? Shut the fuck up and go have a tupperware party or something.
    6 - fake friending on facebook. don't fucking "friend" me unless you wanna send a few messages back and forth, like "how ya' doin'? How's it going? haven't seen you in a while?" instead of "friending" me without so much as a "hello" message just so I can "friend" you back and you can add me to your skyrocketing number of friends so you look popular and not like the unlikable douche you really are. fuck off. don't waste my time.
    5 - fad/trendy/weird/stupid diets. Just eat less and exercise more (and if you can't do both, pick one and stick with it). It's not rocket science, yo!
    6 - packaging on children's toys. who the fuck can open those sealed plastic things? seriously. it's like you need a high-tech futuristic laser to get those things open. fuck. maybe if we had stargates and teleportation and flying cars, we'd also have those damn lasers.
    7 - magnifying mirrors. if you're over twenty-five -- don't look in one. EVER.
    8- actresses hawking makeup. what happened to models? that's they're fucking job. now you have actresses and singers who get to flaunt that not only are they rich and talented, but also beautiful. fuck. you. do you really need that fucking maybelline contract when you just made over ten million for that last movie? (and really, how dare you think we're dumb enough to think you actually use maybelline?) again -- fuck. off.

    that's all for now, but you have not only inspired me to think further about bullshit, but also helped me let out some of my crabbiness this morning. Plus -- I went to that babble thing and liked you. if I could've I would've "loved" you, but that wasn't an option! Hope your day isn't entirely filled with bullshit. righteousventing.com

  3. Minka...I totally wrote this last night, inspired by my kids fighting with me. I am no morning person. haha.

  4. LMAO- LOVe-LOVE the exercise shoes!! Everytime I see Brooke Burke I want to throw something at my TV & my Husband who says-WOW maybe you should get those!!!Stupid Skinny Actress with no talent!!

  5. You got a new follower. I'm waiting to receive you at my blog with open arms.

  6. "Plus, I have boobs". EXACTLY. Justification for every lazy ass double portion I have.

  7. Between you and Minka there was quite a list to think about. Loved your post because it was all so true. Just went over and voted for you because you sooooooooooooooooooo deserve it sweet thang. Keep telling it like it is. You rock.

  8. Tweens do suck. Big time. You expect they'll still be all sweet, but they're moody effers. Teens suck too, especially the girl ones. It's a good lesson to keep the breeding to a minimum.

  9. You waded through a lot of shit in this post! haha! I loved it!

    PS) I voted for you!

    PSS) I think you should do a little vloggy vlog. And NO you don't have to gussy up for them...hahaha! I do mine late at night after my hell rat is sleeping. Usually by that point, my day has banished any trace of residual makeup and/or hairspray I may have applied that morning. :)

  10. "Brooke Burke and Kim Kardashian selling fat people, exercise shoes are bullshit" HAHAHAHAH omg, there is a reason your followers have grown so much in such a short amount of time, you are ONE enjoyable read!! THANK YOU!!

  11. Fucking toy packaging... it dominates me. I Love your blog, you had me at "sarcastically self-absorbed"