Thursday, April 7, 2011

Guess what? You people have been reading my crap for 100 posts!

Yep...sad, but true.

You just keep coming back for more ridiculousness. And just think...this has been one of the most boring years of my life! Imagine what you have to look forward to when I actually change my sweatpants and leave the house.

On a day like today, my many irrational thoughts are scattered. It could definitely be that I've been hitting the bottle again lately. Yes, I fell off the "no anxiety medication" wagon this week. (And you thought I was drinking!...okay, I do that too, but "SOCIALLY", because that is the ACCEPTABLE term. HAHA.)

One thing I would like to address is the fact my mom warned me last night that my blog could be a hindrance to my job search, since obviously everyone in the SF Bay Area is akin to Google searching people before they hire them.

Gee, I never thought of that! (Eye roll)

All I can say to my prospective employers, is that I am super efficient, very hardworking, and I have no family drama that will affect my work. I am also very good for office morale. I'm not kidding. I can't tell you how many supervisors have told me that. It's because I am even MORE hilarious in person. I'm not one of those people who only seem funny in their blogs and then have the personality of a wet sock. This is the real deal, people. (And I promise I keep any swearing to a bare minimum in the privacy of my own head.)

I wouldn't want to work for anyone who didn't have enough of a sense of humor that they wouldn't be able to take my blog very "tongue in cheek."

To clarify, I really don't have a substance abuse problem, as it would indicate. It's just funny. (I'm not saying I don't use Xanax occasionally, or have drinks with friends. The truth is that I am saving the "abuse" part for my retirement. Something to look forward to.)

I am also a pretty good mom, for as much as I self-deprecate.

Now, enough about me, and on to Brittney Spears...

I'm a little irritated that her album is #1.

I've been saving a bottle of champagne for her official demise. I almost drank it when she shaved her head. Who knew that the American public would be so forgiving? I just don't find her singing voice particularly talented. Its very whiney and auto-tuned. She's a dancer. Okay, she USED to be a dancer. Now she gyrates. I could do that much. I DO, do that much! I am much more entertaining. She desecrated "Mouseketeer" status, much like that ho Keri Russell. And who the hell marries a backup dancer???

I know the gays love her...but it's because her shows are all humpy and campy. It's not because of real talent. I would rather...MUCH MUCH rather, go see a drag show. But she's got to go. I've been waiting for like 14 years for it to end. Okay, I will stop talking about her already.

And finally...

An Open Letter to the US Congressmen and Women:

I am on the verge of descending in to Washington to give you a piece of my mind. You are all overpaid, narcissistic blow-hards that care more about furthering your parties agendas than coming to an agreement so that people can keep their jobs. Your job is to create a budget. How about you cut all the funding towards ridiculous projects that line your pockets, and keep in things that make sense, like providing birth control so that morons like your parents don't reproduce and create future idiot Senators and Representatives?

How about you come door to door to every household that has a soldier deployed, and tell their wives they aren't getting a paycheck? Why don't you go tell all the soldiers in Afghanistan that too? I'm sure their minds will really be on fighting for no reason, while their wives can't pay the rent or buy food at home because they only have one income. What are the priorities in this country? You will continue to deliver mail, but you will stop paying soldiers who could die???

And how about the tens of thousands of other government employees who may or may not get paid for a few weeks? I know I will get paid eventually because my job is mission essential, so they will backpay me. But most are not, and it is to be determined whether they will get paid if they are furloughed. That's a great way to rebound the economy.

Get it together, and fast. Because you are about to be in some serious trouble from the American people if you don't. I will campaign in 2012 to eliminate ALL of you sad idiots from office, and elect people who know how to get shit done!



  1. well done on hitting the big one zero zero !

  2. I agree with sam, congratulations and I get steamed up every time I think about those crooks in Washington stealing our money for the rest of their lives, all for doing a poor job and screwing with us. It just aint right.

  3. Your letter was perfectly stated. My thoughts are to bring an uzi to congress and go to town. . . not as understated as your approach. It is ridiculous to say the very least. Congrats on 1-0-0. You always tickle MY funny bone. :)

  4. First off, my hat off to you on the 100! As I only just started blogging myself, I am green with envy beneath the extreme whiteness of my skin which hasn't seen any sun because apparently it never fucking comes out in this midwestern hell I just moved to a few months ago. I got the same speech about my blogging essentially threatening my very existence and that of those around me from a friend of mine this morning. "What if your kids' friends find out about it? (meaning my blog) Or worse, what if their friends' PARENTS find out??? Will they ever let their children come over your house again??" Jesus. Seriously? The job thing has also been mentioned, and not just my job, but my HUSBAND'S job! Who knew that a woman ranting (which really means "telling the truth" or "saying what's on her mind", but no one seems to be able to see it that way, 'cause it's too impolite) was so potentially lethal? I didn't realize that just expressing ourselves to could be so damaging. People are not only stupid, (witness the whole Britney Spears craze, as you stated so well), but they have no freakin' sense of humor (witness the Britney Spears thing again). Reactions to blogs are so damn telling. My parents still don't know about my blog (it's less than two weeks old, and they were on vacation until recently, so that's my excuse for pussying out and I'm sticking with it...) but I think I'm gonna have to tell them. Why? Because lying is exhausting, and more importantly, I apparently have never missed an opportunity to aggravate/worry/upset/embarrass them since the day I was born. At least now they won't have to call me to find out how I'm doing, right? But I'm betting after they read some of my blogs, they wouldn't wanna call me anyway, much less admit that they're my parents. Congrats again, and anyone too stupid/fearful/envious of your candor to hire you is probably not anyone you wanna work for anyway!

  5. I would love to work in person with you, I think we'd have a lot of fun!

    I love your letter to our Govt. I do find it sad though that American people really don't protest their govt. like other countries. We're afraid to go against the govt. and they know it, hence their shitty and greedy ways. uber frustrating. (uber makes it more meaningful)