Monday, July 9, 2012

Are you happy?

For those of us in our early 30's, we have reached a point of reflection.

When you are in your twenties, you don't think as much. You just do.

Then things don't go as planned, and you realize it's a lot more simplistic to come to your moment of how to turn it around.

An "a-ha!" moment.

Well, I guess we all have those moments at different stages, by mine was the last two years.

I've never been the type to follow the crowd. I know my own mind and while I'm open to advice from others, the ultimate choice is up to me.

I feel like, on job interviews, I used to get nervous. But I guess I have reached a stage where I can just decide if certain relationships, work included, are a good match, conducive to my life. I interview them, usually more than they interview me.

Sometimes I make choices and don't know whether it was the right one. But no one makes perfect decisions all the time.

I'm rambling. I have had a crazy few months, and a few months of peace, followed by crazy again.

My family didn't want me to move to CA. So they are all mad at me and it's put a rift in the relationships. I get that they miss me, but it's been since I was a teenager that I lived in my hometown.

And I don't recall it ever being that special. When I do go home, it's always a mess. Someone is always bitching about something, family gatherings are an annoyance, because I don't come from a family of laid back people. Or they aren't married to laid back people. I just like to sit and relax and enjoy a good conversation. Have some laughs. I never get that when I go home. Instead, I get drama. Either our husbands don't like each other, or we don't like the husbands...we are all very different.

I grew up in a stress filled house. I was the oldest, therefore labeled the worst because I did everything bad first.

I think my sisters still see me this way. I don't think my family knows me at all. Not the person I was then, or who I am now. I never hid the fact that I couldn't wait to move far away. I just like to live my life, love who I want to love, do what I want to do, and the thing that most people don't understand, is that I do what I want. Not what other people think I should do.

My options were limited as an army wife. I only had so many things that were under my control. I guess a part of me felt like moving home would put me right back in to having to do what everyone else wanted, because nothing has changed.

I love my family. I really do. I miss them terribly, but I'm always going to miss someone. Everyone special in my life is spread out over a country. So I wanted a fresh start, away from constant judgement, opinions and stress. I wanted to move somewhere new. I never lived on the west coast, but had been here enough times to know it has everything I want in a place to live. Opportunity, things to do, beautiful scenery, and adventure. I don't feel like there is a cap on my happiness or my opportunity here.

At home, I do. I would never afford the home I have now there, because the pay doesn't may h the cost of living there.

I've seen the east coast, and it's not that special. Out here, I am near the country, near the ocean, near the mountains, the woods, the city and snow, if I want it. I don't have people constantly telling me how to raise my kids. I don't have ignorant idiots influencing my kids. I have a peaceful existence and a relaxing life. I'm not bored. I'm not overly stressed. I'm not embedded in the things I can't change.

I am happy. I laugh. I have fun. I do things.

So, if that means pulling myself out of a situation in which there is enough fuel to start constant fires, then that is what I do. And I did.
I have enough sense to know that it wouldn't be good. And I don't want my kids growing up around small minded people, and the town I come from is very small minded. Highly religious and conservative.

I like the crazies out here. I can sit on a street corner cafe in the city and have a discussion with a homeless man wearing a pink tutu. And I have. It's colorful and real and not some facade of life that you get in Lancaster, PA. I can talk to brilliant people who all have something interesting to add.

My family is important to me, but my freedom and happiness is more important. Because its my life. And I have to live it.

I just want the same for them. And support whatever or wherever they find their dreams.

1 comment:

  1. I wish I had your confidence, especially job related. My life was SO much easier when I didn't live by family. People are weird with their expectations and emitional outbursts.