Monday, September 10, 2012

Who's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown? This bitch.

I swear to God, orange is not a flattering color on a larger sized woman.

I went to the Dodgers/Giants game this weekend with my friend and family. Our boys hadn't ever been to a professional sports game. Which is kind of sad, because we had ample opportunity when we lived within an hour of Atlanta.

So, at the 11th hour, we had to go get sports gear (meaning shirts), so that we could properly cheer for the home team. I have no relation to the Dodgers, so this was the obvious choice. Had it been a PA team, it would've been a different story, and I would've most likely been pummeled with hot dogs and beer.

Not that it would would be a bad thing. In fact, then I wouldn't have had to get up to get the stuff myself.

So, the other local teams have decent colors...Black for Raiders, Red for 49ers...
But Giants are orange. So I ended up looking like this:
Meet Charlie Brown's Great Pumpkin.
It gives off an orange glow to my icy pale skin, so I look like Snookie.
It's freaken hard to find clothes that look halfway decent when you're on a fat binge. And with my manly, line-backer broad shoulders, I just look more boxy.
They handed out free Giants t-shirts, but it wasn't til I sat down that I saw it was Latin heritage festival there, probably because I think half the team was of the Latin persuation, so the t-shirts were in spanish.
The last thing I need is further advertisement on my rather large rack, as it says "Gigantes" across the boobage area. I will never don that shirt. Everyone already knows they are Gigantes. Well, one is. The other is named Mt Diablo.
I was watching the Kardashian clan last night and Kris got her boobs reduced. I really need that but I am so afraid they will find a way to fuck up my nipples. My belly button seems placed rather high after my tummy tuck, and I don't want my nipples to be looking in different directions.
"um, ma'am, you seem to have a lazy nipple."
But right now, they make me look matronly, and I don't need that. In another ten years, I will be balancing them on my knees. They already hit the table and collect things in between. Big boobs are not for me. I just want a full B, or small C. Not the DDD that I am.
The stupid things you wish for when you're young.