Black Friday Madness: Yup, that’s exactly what it is!

The day after Thanksgiving brings the hoards of shoppers racing to find the deal of the century. I am not one to turn up my nose at some bargain shopping, but I hardly agree with the premise of Black Friday. Let me tell you my reasons:

1. Who the hell wants to get out of bed before 8am to get a family-sized trampoline or a Tickle Me Elmo? We get so few days off during the year, I am invoking my right to sleep in after I have crammed my gut full of carbs the day before.

2. The traffic is ridiculous. Unfortunately, if you don’t feel like cooking after you’ve slaved the day prior, you’re kind of screwed since they put all the good restaurants around the shopping centers. It’s even worse when you live near a town like Watertown, NY…where there is literally one road that everything is on.

3. Bitches ARE Crazy! Yes, I said it! People will get in your face and fight you if you grab the same pair of shoes. There were people trampled to death for the opening of a Walmart sale on Black Friday! I don’t know about you, but I am NOT going out like that! What would it say on your Tombstone? “I just had to buy that Paula Dean Cookware at a discount.” (It is good stuff, though.)

And #4…

I don’t like that it’s called Black Friday because I always get it confused with the day Jesus died, and then I feel guilty. That day is called Good Friday. Seems to me like somebody confused the two, because I would think a holiday devoted to shopping would be called Good Friday, and the Lamb of God being ruthlessly murdered would be Black Friday. I’m just saying…






I was nominated on Babble's Top 50 Mom Blogs List. So pretty please take two minutes and click here: http://www.babble.com/babble-50/mommy-bloggers/nominate-a-blogger/index.aspx then scroll down to "Glamorous Life" and click on the "like" button.
Thanks a bunch!

Bargaining with the Food Devil

So, I was calculating what calorie-allotment I am allowed to have on my MyPlate diet, and plugging away all of the things I am making for Thanksgiving. I am allowed to have half a sliver of pumpkin pie, a spoonful of gravy and 3 oz of turkey.

Or I can have two bottles of wine.

Yeah, like that’s going to happen. (There is really no choice there.)

There were days at my fattest, when I seriously contemplated gastric bypass surgery. It sounds too easy to have a surgery and lose 100 lbs in 6 months. I stopped considering it because I couldn’t get past the image of eating Thanksgiving Dinner out of a Dixie Cup. In fact, I think it made me actually cry a little bit for those who HAVE gotten the surgery done. The one holiday that’s whole existence is to feast, and you would be done in one bite. It’s just sad.

I will pour some gravy on the floor this Thanksgiving to honor you, comrades.

I haven’t really discussed it on my blog, but I have been dieting since October 4th.

I know the exact date because it was the last time I have had real butter.

If you know me, that’s a feat in itself. I don’t think I have ever bought margarine before, and it’s very confusing to know which one to go with. Nevertheless, I will lose 60 lbs before I move in May. But the problem is that I didn’t know what to do in the world of diet foods. I am not normally a “snacker” so I didn’t really know if it would be a good thing to eat those 5 smaller meals. I thought it may just encourage me to eat more often, which is a slippery slope. I ended up with a pretty good system. My mom recommended using MyPlate on www.livestrong.com to track my calories. It tells you how many you can eat per week, depending on your size and how many lbs a week you want to lose. I’ve lost 26 lbs since I started, which SOUNDS good, but since I need to lose about 80, it’s like dropping a stone in a pail. My biggest struggle with food, is that I have to constantly remind myself that this is not the last time I will be able to experience it. Like my taste buds are scared that they will never see the likes of another taco, so I have to eat 12. I eat for the taste. I eat for the endorphins. Cheeseburgers are one of the top things in life that make me truly happy. If that makes me shallow, so be it. And so I have had to “up” my dosage of Xanax and cigarettes to compensate.

Don’t judge me.

Thursday, I will eat my Thanksgiving Dinner. And I will eat it with pride. But I will not over-do it and wreck my accomplishments thus far. I WILL wrestle with the Food Devil, and win. And so can all of you who are trying hard to shed some lbs this holiday season, instead of embracing the fat-girl within for one more Christmas.


Shameless Begging About to Commence: I was nominated on Babble's Top 50 Mom Blogs List. So can you please take two minutes and click here: http://www.babble.com/babble-50/mommy-bloggers/nominate-a-blogger/index.aspx then scroll down to "Glamorous Life" and click on the "like" button.
Thanks a bunch!

Anderson Cooper…and other things I’d like to give thanks for...

With Thanksgiving coming rapidly, I thought I would take the time out to tell you about the things in my life I’m thankful for, since I bitch so much about everything else.

Anderson Cooper. You light up my life. You make me have to make a conscious decision to turn off reality TV and turn on CNN to catch the important stories of the day. I can hear an intelligent conversation, and still get lost in your baby blues. You made grey hair SEXY. Were it not for you, I would have a blank space on my wall at work where I hang your beautiful face. Aside from Andy, you are my second longest relationship with a man. I don’t care about the naysayers that try to tell me that you are gay…. SHHHHH….baby, don’t speak. I don’t need to know details, because this works in my head, and it works in my marriage. And I know where you live. (Wink.)

I am thankful that I don’t have any food allergies. I shed a tear for those poor souls who can’t eat peanut butter, gluten, chocolate or dairy…for what is a world without these things? I don’t know how it would be possible to go on, or even why you would want to.

I am thankful that I have a car. Because it would suck to have to walk two miles to work. Even though I abuse it verbally every time I have to dump more money in to it, and punch the door when the window won’t go up because the kids have superglued the childproof button with sticky candy. Because, I don’t want to be a “scrub”, and I have an innate distrust of people who exercise intentionally.

I am thankful for Gordon Ramsey and his band of Waffle-House-cook-rejects on Hell’s Kitchen to watch for two solid hours on Wednesday nights. I wouldn’t let you moron’s make me eggs and toast, and yet you have the chance to run a restaurant with a 6-figure paycheck. Without you, cooking wouldn’t be as potentially violent, nor would be considered a spectator’s sport. You make me wish I could pull off saying words like, "Bloody" and “Bollux” and not sound like a jackass, and wish that I had an English accent.

I am thankful that even though I am fat, my boobs are proportional to my body. In fact, they are really big. No, they aren’t fake. It’s just more fat. But it’s in a place that works for me. Because there is just nothing sadder than when you are fat and flat-chested. It’s like an anomaly in the universe of fairness.

And finally…

I am thankful that I am moving away from upstate NY. Because I can’t take another winter of getting out of bed an hour earlier every day to dig my car out of snow, trying too hard to make friends with people who just don’t get “it”, having nothing more interesting to do than spend exciting Saturdays at Walmart, and getting out of a place that is only now just getting an Olive Garden.



Shameless Begging About to Commence: I was nominated on Babble's Top 50 Mom Blogs List. So can you please take two minutes and click here: http://www.babble.com/babble-50/mommy-bloggers/nominate-a-blogger/index.aspx then scroll down to "Glamorous Life" and click on the "like" button.
Thanks a bunch!

Countdown to KP Duty

So, Andy comes home last night and tells me we are having 13-15 people over for Thanksgiving.

While this is not a new feat to tackle, I had hoped to keep our guestlist to a minimum number of single soldiers this year. I was thinking, 3 or 4. Instead, he invited ALL of the single soldiers and even a few couples. I am not a mean person, but I don't have room for all of these people. All night long, I find myself wondering "would it be wrong to make my kids, my parents or the soldiers eat in the other room?"

After I had my 5-minute freakout...I realized this is manageable. After the first several times you host large groupings of men in their late teens/early twenties and you see how much they eat, you don't feeling guilty handing out assignments as to what they can bring with them. Married couples have cooking facilities, so they are more than capable of providing some sort of side dish. Always give your husband the menu so he can relay what you are already making, dodging the awkwardness of "oh, ANOTHER jello mold!" (Okay, so no one makes jello molds anymore, but you get the idea.) Single soldiers can bring the rolls, the pies, the drinks...things that don't require cooking and that they can pick up at the store.

Another word to the wise, unless you want these people at your house for the next 24 hours, plan to eat around 1 or 2pm. Army guys have a tendency to like to drink beer, and before you know it, they are playing poker or watching football or napping while you trying to tame the carnage that is left. One New Years Eve, we had invited a couple over (my first time meeting them) and not only did she leave her drunk husband at my house for the night....she came back the next day with bags full of groceries, let herself in, cooked breakfast in MY kitchen while I was asleep, and proceeded to stay the entire next day until about 10pm!!! She didn't even bring her husband a change of clothes! I will never invite these people over again because I don't know if they will ever leave.

Buy yourself a bottle of wine and save it for after the dishes. Or better yet, put your feet up and enjoy a glass while your husband leads the platoon in KP duty.